It was very cathartic looking back over my old posts and reliving our journey to Beanie Bu. It was made all the more poignant by the fact that I wrote most of it while she was sleeping on my chest in her carrier. I remembered how lost and depressed I felt, how convinced I was that it would never happen for us, that I would never know what it would be like to be a mother. And yet here she is. Sleeping on my chest. My beautiful girl. More amazing than I could have possibly dreamt of. And I am a mother. Doing mama things 24-7. Am I tired? Hell yeah. Could I do with a month of uninterrupted sleep? Yes please! Am I complaining? No. Well maybe just a little...
While organizing my posts I shed a tear or two for the woman that I was. For the pain that I had felt these past years. The miscarriage posts made me tear up the most. Though I am overjoyed to have Beanie Bu, I still think of the Baby Bear that never quite was. Mr. T made a file with all our medical records, scans, test results, letters, everything to do with our TTC journey and he labelled it: The Long Road to Baby Bu. In the corner of the file he wrote 'Always with us in spirit: Baby Bear, Love Mum & Dad'. And I love that he did that. Though it catches my heart every time. And I stop to take a breath.
Inside this file is a poem I wrote. I don't remember when I wrote it but it was sometime down the path of infertility:
I love you already.
I love you with every inch of me.
I can already see your eyes
And hear your laughter.
I already know the joy you will bring to those around you.
There are so many who love you.
I know you are worth waiting for
And I will not stop praying for you.
When you come into this world, we will already know each other.
It will be as if time stopped and the world will be full of love.
