Over 8 Weeks

Hi. I'm still here. And just over the 8 week mark.

Still feeling pregnant so I'm hoping that's all good. Though after the silent miscarriage, I know nothing is for sure. But I woke at 5am this morning. Hungry, retching, needing to pee. I just wish these things didn't happen all at the same time.

I've been feeling much more tired this pregnancy. I sleep a lot and the nausea can come in strong waves but thankfully nothing as bad as last time. I managed to do a good walk up a hill to see this ruined kasbah on boxing day - I felt really good and I have now realised that exercise helps to combat the nausea. It's just that most of the time, I feel too tired to exercise, so it's a vicious cycle.

Oh and it was my wedding anniversary yesterday. Three years. But I have developed a slight cold so I'm taking it really easy and having an in-bed day. We decided that we would celebrate the anniversary later when I'm feeling better and can stomach eating normal food at a restaurant. I have totally gone off meat and fish. I cannot stand the smell of it. All I want is bread, cheese and potatoes. Basically everything that I am not meant to eat according to Dr. S.

So I have sent him an email to see what is the best way forward. I need to eat and these are the only things I want right now. Also on the alternative healing track I went to see this amazing woman who does TCM and also kinesiology like Dr. S, but she is here in Morocco. I told her that basically I am in good health now thanks to Dr. S but that I need help to stay calm and balanced during these next few weeks because I still worry after my miscarriage.

I won't go into the specifics of the treatment but basically she did these psychological tests on me: she got me to say these statements and then she tested to see if I believed them. I had to say things like 'I will have a healthy, happy pregnancy' and 'I will have a safe and healthy birth'. The testing showed that I truly believed these things. Then she asked me to say something about my miscarriage about accepting it and moving on. I took a deep breath and then out of nowhere I just burst into tears. It shocked me. We spoke about the pain, I cried, she cried, we talked a lot. And then we decided to try saying it again. I said what I had to say about accepting the loss and moving on and this time I did, and I believed it. It was incredibly powerful and felt like a great weight was lifting off me.

Then she tested me some more and she told me there was something else unresolved. We tried a number of things and they were not my issues. Then she asked me to say 'I deserve a happy, healthy pregnancy.' I said it, she tested me and I did not pass. We did it again, again I showed that I did not believe it. This was my unresolved issue. Part of me did not believe that I deserved to have a successful pregnancy. So we did all these psychological exercises to try and resolve this and figure out why I might feel this way.

It was quite complicated stuff but the crux of it came down to the fact that I felt that having a baby is something so sacred and so wonderful that I wasn't worthy. Which I think I may have always felt deep deep down in my subconscious. Anyway she made me do lots of analysis so that I can break this cycle of thought and turn into to something positive rather than being down on myself. Definitely a turning point. I left her office feeling buoyant.

So other than my annoying cold, I am doing well. Except for the nausea. And the tiredness. And the painful nipples. But I won't complain about these. Because as soon as these symptoms disappear I panic a bit. And can't wait for them to come back. And then when they do I wish they would go away. Go figure. I am becoming impossible to please. I'm sure Mr. T would agree right now!

With HypnoBirthing, NOTHING works!

Marie (Mickey) Mongan, the founder of HypnoBirthing recently presented the following speech at the HypnoBirthing Conclave/Convention. It's worth sharing...

With HypnoBirthing NOTHING works!

We see it often - HypnoBirthing mothers accept that they have the ability to relax through the first phase of labor. But when it comes to talking about the baby’s descent and birthing, the question is, “What do I do then?” My answer is always the same - “NOTHING!! That’s what I want you to get out of this course. The understanding of doing “Nothing!!”

With HypnoBirthing NOTHING works. It’s Nature’s perfect design from the very onset.

Let’s look at a newborn baby girl - as she emerges, who teaches her to breathe? She does absolutely nothing to make it happen - but it happens.

If properly placed and encouraged, she crawls and bobbles her way to the breast for her first meal outside the womb. There is nothing that anyone gives her in the way of instruction - A natural GPS??

Within minutes of being born, she releases her anal sphincters, and out comes her first stool, or she pees. How does she do that without a chart of how to perform timely bodily functions?

Over time, as she grows and develops, with nothing to tell her how or when or how many times, she learns that she can sneeze to clear her nasal passages; she can signal that she is hungry or wants attention if it’s not readily there; she startles and becomes alert if she is frightened; and, if she feels secure, she can relax and fall asleep in loving arms. What did she do to learn to fall asleep? Nothing! Who taught her to awaken? How did she know she was hungry?

Fast forward to when she is a teenager. Her body changes with nothing but internal hormonal secretions to act as catalysts - she becomes a woman. The power of nothing is, and has been, alive in her human experience in so many ways, and she has mastered many functions with nothing but instinct to guide her.

Nothing has to teach her that she is experiencing her first love. She instinctively knows it and feels it. And when the time is right, there is nothing she has to study to learn how to express that love physically.

But enter the miracle of pregnancy, and all of a sudden, her previous trust, power, and confidence crumbles. She is now taught that her body is incapable of leading her through what should be a perfectly magical time. She must now be carefully taught how to nurture her pregnant body and her baby and ultimately how to give birth.

She is further taught that her trust and dependence is best placed outside of her own abilities and externally placed into the hands of others - strangers, trained and practiced experts, who know better than she. She needs them now to efficiently and conveniently manage her birth. They will teach and guide her along each step of the way. Instinct be damned!

She is now categorized onto charts - primagravida, and she’s put onto schedules, and regimens. She learns that she is inadequate and almost irrelevant to her own birthing experience.

For the woman who senses this as a disconnect, there are two options. She can go along with the prevailing model, or she can trust birthing, register for a HypnoBirthing class and learn to do nothing!!

We know that many of our moms hear a common question when they say they are preparing to birth their baby with HypnoBirthing. The question often is “Are you out of your mind.” In truth the response to that is “Yes.” To rely on her basic birthing instincts, a mother literally needs to be “out of her mind”. That’s where she turns her birthing over to her body and gets her mind and the regimens and techniques out of the way.

That’s exactly where we want our moms to be. When we teach them otherwise - how to do, and when to do, and how often to do - we confuse the inner consciousness, which controls instinct. Instinct no longer can function - we have stifled the natural function with the clutter of confused, panicked mind talk.

We strip it of the internal knowing, and then we turn to drugs as an external means of forcing the body to do what it used to know how to do. We know that drugs inhibit the bonding experience at birth, and mind talk also inhibits bodily function. Instead of achieving the objective, we confuse the body and it abdicates.

My question to all is: How dare we? How dare we presume to think that we can manipulate and redesign and introduce confusion into the experience with our own special outlines, instructions and techniques? How dare we mess with what is already perfectly created?

When we distribute charts and lists and lessons, filled with exercises and positions and advice,in effect,we are telling our parents that they need to do more and they need to do it this or that way at particular times. We need to bring about an awareness that what we teach in HypnoBirthing is not the cornerstone of HypnoBirthing, but rather suggestions to pass time.

Parents panic. They are afraid they will forget what we carefully instilled. They question are they doing it “right’? The only important thing is that they learn to do nothing - to just “allow” - to be the mammals that they are and return to their basic instincts.

Birthing has a rhythm and a flow, and every bit of “fixing” that we impose helps to disturb and shut down that very rhythm and flow. What they need to develop is a mastery to be “Out of their minds.” We need to stop humanizing birth. We have to put aside our own egos and our need to be a relevant factor in their birthing.

The time has come when we need to stop labeling these births as “exceptional” and “fantastic” and “out of this world.” They need to be seen as the norm and not out of the ordinary. When we no longer feel that we have to talk about how shocked and surprised the caregivers are, we will have begun to make progress. These will be the births that all mothers will expect when they are “out of their minds” and doing Nothing.

——Mickey Mongan, Director and Founder of the HypnoBirthing Institute

6 weeks

So far, so good. So far as I can tell. Sore boobage and nausea creeping in. Hopefully I won't be vomiting like last time, Dr. S did tell me the nausea wouldn't be so bad now my vitamin B6 levels are normal. So hopefully all these signs mean the bean has now progressed to a tadpole.

Also I just got the results from all my reproductive immunology testing. All normal. Thank the Lord. The word 'relieved' just doesn't cut it. I'm sure my normal results have a lot to do with what Dr. S did for me. Did I tell you that he called me on my cell from the UK to congratulate me on my pregnancy? He also told me to up my Omega 3 now that I am pg as this does the same as aspirin, but without the side effects. He is simply the best doctor I have ever met.

Positivity. Hope. Faith. That's the new 6 week plan for me. Just get me to that 12 week milestone!

A HypnoBirthing announcement--Jill Ann & Ben

Hi-

Jill Ann & Ben took my HypnoBirthing classes at Babies by the Sea Boutique on Tuesdays in August 2010. There were 5 couples in that class series. All five couples had amazing births & they all become close friends. Jill Ann was the last of the five to give birth. She came to class wanting a different experience for her 2nd birth than she had with her 1st birth.

Ben and Jill Ann’s Birth Story

A little back story on my journey to a HypnoBirth:

When I found out we were pregnant with our son, I researched everything! I knew I was going to breastfeed and cloth diaper, and there was no BPA or parbens in my house but we spent very little time researching birthing options. I knew the notion of natural birth, especially since my mom had all three of us naturally, but I never even considered it. Everyone around me encouraged me to get the epidural so I just thought that was the way to go!

As my pregnancy came to an end, I was feeling miserable and huge (feelings I never had with my HypnoBirth) and as soon as I went up to my due date, I scheduled an induction for 41 weeks.

The morning of the day I was going to go in to get the cervix ripener my water broke.

It was 7:30 am and the only thing I could remember from the birth class DVD was to check the water to make sure it's clear and take a shower. It was in the shower that the fear took over. My contractions started immediately and were painful. I felt like I was going to die!

We went to the hospital right after my short shower and I was admitted right away. No joke- I had the epidural 15 minutes later and felt nothing!! It was sweet relief. I took a nap and patiently waited for them to tell me it was time to push. About 4 hours later it was time. I pushed and pushed and pushed some more!! After two hours of pushing, it was suggested that I had pushed for "the time" and now I should consider assistance or.... I was terrified of a C-section so I agreed to the vacuum and the episiotomy that came with it. My son was born 2 pushes later with the vacuum assist.

Again nothing went 'wrong' with my birth; it was a quick and easy delivery with no pain, but afterward I realized that I wanted something different for baby 2.

Before we even got pregnant, I was entertaining the idea of a natural birth in the back of my mind. When I would mention it to people they would look at me like I was crazy (kind of like when I share that I cloth diaper)! But one good friend shared her natural birth story and then I got encouragement from my midwife and then another friend shared her story. All of these women were passionate and positive about natural birth – my first exposure to something other than “get an epidural.”

I already knew I wanted Deborah Strauhal, my massage therapist, who is also a doula, at my birth and she suggested HypnoBirthing. I Googled and found lots of information including Carol's website (www.AWellLivedLife.Net)and blog. I also ordered the book off Amazon and read it before committing to class. It was Carol's blog that sold me. I already felt like part of the family before class even started.

This time around things were very different. I worked out to prepare my body, I felt great even at the very end at 41+ weeks pregnant... When my labor did start I was not afraid... In fact, I was opposite! I was excited! I was completely in control and ready for just about anything...

My recovery time was minimal and very, very easy! I was up and walking around that day and released from the hospital 32 hours after being admitted (pretty much the minimum allowed)

So here is my HypnoBirth story:



I was overdue and reluctantly scheduled for an induction on Friday (42+ weeks) and the baby was being monitored every 3 days and everything was looking great so I was not worried about the health of the baby and waiting until Friday.

I had been having practice surges for about 3 days and on Sunday (41 weeks 5 days) I experienced a sensation that was different than all of the other practice surges.

It was 2:00 in the afternoon and it was a rolling wave that took over my entire abdominal area and even brought tears to my eyes… not painful at all but it was like my body was reacting. I had another one 10 minutes later and then no more.

I was distracted after that because my 2 year old had woken from his nap. I was still experiencing surges but they didn’t seem consistent (or that I should be timing them).

Eventually, I took some time for myself and took a shower and listened to Rainbow Relaxation and Birthing Affirmations CD. I even tried to take a nap but I was too excited that I might actually be going into labor.

So, I decided to hydrate up with coconut water and Gatorade. I was trying to watch TV to keep my mind off of things but it was hard so I finally gave in and started using my ipod to time my surges.

Shortly after I felt a small gush and it was my mucous plug being released.

At this point I called my doula to give her a heads up and secured overnight care for my son “just in case” and then went about our nightly routine of eating dinner and getting my son ready for bed. I ate some apples, cheese, eggs, and toast, all washed down with lots of water!

At about 9:15 pm, I decided to go “relax” to see if I could get the surges to become more regular. At this point they were 5-6 minutes apart and lasting 30 seconds.

After 45 minutes of listening to the Rainbow Relaxation and Birthing Affirmations CD, I was feeling the surges coming on more frequent and stronger. At this point, we called our doula to come to the house. She arrived about 20 minutes later.

Once our doula arrived, things really took off. I moved onto the birth ball and laid my body over the bed. While still listening to the Rainbow Relaxation CD, my doula would massage my muscles in between surges. The massage was really helping my body truly and ultimately relax in between each surge and it was a little slice of heaven.

After about 45 minutes I felt the need to go to the hospital. I didn’t feel like I needed to push or anything, I just wanted to get there and be admitted so that I could get to my birthing room and get back into “the zone.” After calling the hospital, I took another shower and then we left. At this point my surges were 2-3 minutes apart and lasting 45-60 seconds.

When we arrived at the hospital I was 5 cm and “stretchy.” I had to be in the triage room to confirm that I was in real labor… again… I was relaxed and talking in between surges so there seemed to be a little reluctance that I was in active labor. During this time in triage I expressed that I did not want an IV, however, I ended up getting a hep lock, which was the compromise. I tried many times for no IV, but in all honesty, I didn't even care as the surges were close together and it was taking a lot of concentration just to breath and it really seemed to help the RN relax a little bit.

About 12:30 we went to our room, got a hep lock and more monitoring. I actually liked the monitoring because my 'team' could know when I was having surges. Before this, I had been holding up my finger to let them know and it was getting annoying to me… I just wanted to be still.

It felt like I was in my birthing room for minutes before I was feeling pressure (time distortion it was actually 45 minutes). I was checked and only 7cm. During this time I was laboring laying on the bed and the birth ball still listening to RR and still having light touch massage during a surge and more intense massage between surges.

Shortly after being checked at 7 cm, I was feeling claustrophobic and that I needed to escape!!!! I was breathing through my surges but I could feel that I was not relaxing and I started freaking out a bit. I was begging for someone to get me through it and MY TEAM did a good job of refocusing me and grounding me a bit (though I don't think I was actually listening to them).



Around 2:30 my body took over completely and I could feel the need to push. It was a rolling sensation in my body that I knew had to be it! As I was complaining that I had to push, the RN checked me again and of course I was 10!! At this point my membranes had still not ruptured and the baby was still -1 station but the RN gave me to go ahead to start pushing.

The RN then brought up breaking my membranes and asked if I would be interested and I was!!!! Since the midwife was delivering another baby at that exact time, my doctor was called to rupture my membranes (he was on-call). Meanwhile, I was birth breathing with every surge and ‘pop’ my membranes ruptured! Things progressed REALLY quickly after that! I literally felt the baby drop into the birth canal. At the time that my membranes ruptured it was clear that there was meconium in the fluid and her heart rate started dropping quickly!!!!

At this point I remained calm since I had faith that she was going to be okay but I also knew that I wanted to get her out as quickly as possible. I changed my position a bit (I had been lying on my side) and did the traditional 'pushing' to get her out ASAP. I pushed my body a little more that I wanted and she came out in one big woosh. I tore a bit (again didn't care) and she had to be tended by the nurses immediately, but Daddy was with her and I was still surging intensely. I delivered the placenta about 5 minutes later. Though she came out blue (the cord was wrapped around her) she pinked up immediately and she did not have any meconium in her lungs!

It was no time before I had her in my arms and she started nursing immediately!Though it got really intense at the end, I know that HypnoBirthing allowed me to remain calm and deliver my baby without any intervention.

I am so thankful that I had the support of my husband, mom, and doula and I had an awesome RN who stayed as close to our birth plan as she could.

Thank you Carol and my classmates: Brooke, Holly, Candace, and Kelly! Your support truly allowed us to have the birth that we wanted!

Audrey was born on Monday, November 29th at 2:52AM 20.5in and 9 lbs!

Thanks so much--Jill Ann


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Congratulations Jill Ann & Ben! Thanks so much for sharing your birth story! Continue to enjoy your babymoon!

For more information about Jill Ann's doula & massage therapist, please contact Deborah Strauhal via her website: www.kheya.net.

For more information about HypnoBirthing classes in San Diego, please contact Carol Yeh-Garner through her website at www.AWellLivedLife.Net. For classes outside of the San Diego area, please go to www.hypnobirthing.com to find a practitioner near you.
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www.AWellLivedLife.Net
www.AWellLivedLife.blogspot.com

5 weeks

And still pregnant as far as I know. Have decided not to test my HCG anymore and just chill out. Whatever will be will be. Anyway I read anything past 6000 can't tell you much as the levels eventually begin to stabilize. So let's just hope the little bean is progressing well.

I feel I am being Ms. Positive Thinking at the moment. I try and do a lot of visualization exercises whenever I feel the dark clouds of doubt creeping in. It helps. I am doing a lot of reading to distract myself. I just finished the Poisonwood Bible - an incredible book. If you haven't read it you must! Oh I still wish I hadn't finished it as I was totally lost in that world and loved reading every sentence.

I've also started Xmas baking. The Xmas cake got made last night, so now it has a few weeks to mature. We are spending Xmas with my family here in Morocco. I am so looking forward to spending it with my family and having lots of good food and good times.

Oh and also I run a weekly quiz night at a local cafe and we are in the middle of building the house so I have lots of things to occupy myself with - though Mr. T is very strict about me taking it easy!! I should divulge that as I write this I am enjoying my breakfast in bed which, I might add, Mr. T has been preparing for me every morning since he got back. I know, I'm a lucky bitch. More updates to come....

News with a capital 'N'

Ahem. Ahum. Err. Wah. Hmmm. So. Nervous. Yes. Not sure about sharing this news. Here. Yet.

Mainly because of IRL people who read this blog. Any IRL people who do read this blog, please, please do not spread this around. Keep this close to your chest. Because we don't know where this will go or what will happen and I don't want people contacting my parents or Mr. T parent's until we know things are looking more secure.

Can you guess what my news might be?? Can you?

Well I'm sure you already have. Yes I am. *Deep in take of breath* Just 4 weeks.

Beta on Friday 44.9. Beta on Monday 229.

(I really wanted to do one of those graph things from BabyMed but they don't seem to do them anymore. If you know where I can go to make one please send the link my way.)

I had my progesterone levels checked too. They are good. So my plan until I get to 12 weeks is to have my HCG checked every Monday along with my progesterone levels. Then if all goes well and we reach 12 weeks we will scan. Until then there will be no scans. No baby tickers. No celebrations. Just lots of rest and positive thinking. And pre-natal yoga. And slow walks in the countryside.

I am so so grateful to Dr. S. Just 8 weeks after starting his program and I am pregnant. I know it's because of what he did for me. And we got pregnant totally naturally, first time trying. I know! How annoying am I? But seriously. So so happy. A little nervous. Trying to be calm and sage-like. It's very early days so we shall proceed with caution. And faith.

Oh and Mr. T comes home today from a long trip. Happy. Me. Face. Smiling.

A HypnoBirthing announcement--Allecia & Jordan's birth

Allecia & Jordan took my classes on Tuesday nights in July 2010 at Indigo Dragon Health & Wellness Center. Here is their birth story:

Allecia & Jordan's Birth Story



My daughter was born August 16th, 2010 at 8:35 pm. She weighed 7lbs. 1oz. and was 21 inches long. I would say this day by far is the best day of my life. I don't think this intimate experience would have been the same without taking HypnoBirthing classes and having her at Best Start Birth Center. My daughter is my first child so there was a lot of reluctance and fear experienced. I wasn't sure what to expect and HypnoBirthing really helped me. It helped me not feel this way by teaching me to trust myself and my baby. My labor started at night on the fifteenth while I was in bed sleeping. The surges weren't regular so I didn't really suspect anything. I also think it had to do with how I dealt with the sensations I was feeling.

I woke up at about 9:30 am the next morning feeling the surges more frequently and regular. At this point I put my HypnoBirthing Relaxation CD on and concentrated on my breathing. I began to also time my surges with the application I downloaded on my phone. For the next two hours I timed my surges and they were above five to six minutes apart. I called the midwife on call at the birth center to tell her I would probably be in to give birth later in the day. She told me to call her back in a couple of hours. After the phone call I kept track of my surges for another two hours and got into my bath tub to relax. While I was relaxing in the bath tub my surges became for frequent and increased with intensity. I called the midwife back and told her my surges were three to four minutes apart and that my husband and I would be heading down to the birth center soon since its forty minutes away. My
husband had to run to Best Buy to get a video camera to tape the birth. He was only gone about an hour but it seemed so much longer! I was in active labor and told him to hurry up and that we were leaving as soon as he got back.



Before we left, we literally had to throw all our stuff into a few bags because the only thing we had ready was the baby's bag. We ended up bringing stuff we didn't even need but brought if we ended up at the hospital. On the way down to the birth center the traffic was crazy and we almost got into a car accident, someone almost ran into the side of our car. We left the house around four in the afternoon. I thought we would have to pull over on the highway because the surges were so intense. We arrived at the birth center at around five. We checked in with the midwife and I was examined to check for dilation. At this point the surges were very intense and it was very hard to get onto the exam table because every time I went to get onto the table I started to have a surge! The midwife measured my dilation at 7 cm!



After that was done I went to the room so the midwife could get information from me and to get ready to get into the warm bath tub water. The room at the birth center was so awesome because I felt so at home. I was able to labor, deliver, and spend the beginning of post-partum in it. The bath water was so relaxing during labor. I don't think I would have been able to relax as much during active labor and transition if I wasn't doing a water birth. I guess wanting the best for my daughter's birth I had good experiences myself. I spent about three and a half hours in the bath tub going through the rest of active labor and transition. It was very intense and I was on my knees in like a modified squatting position. The last part of my labor didn't seem like three and a half hours because I was experiencing time distortion which you have happen when you're in a deeply relaxed state. I was really focusing on my breathing and letting my body do the work. The most intense part was getting the baby's head out. It seemed like the baby's head would never come out but it wasn't painful just a lot of pressure. Not too long after the baby's head came out Ruby Rose was born from a little assistance from the midwife. I was able to pick her up out from underneath the water. It all seemed like a dream holding her little body close to mine.



She was and still is the most precious person in my life. It was awesome to have her with my husband and doula there to share this once in a life time experience. The staff at the birth center was very supportive and respectful. If I could say anything about giving birth it would be to make sure you inform yourself and do what is best for your child.

Thanks so much Carol,Best Start Birth Center, Jordan and Amanda!

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Congratulations Allecia & Jordan! Thanks so much for sharing your birth story! Continue to enjoy your babymoon!

For more information about HypnoBirthing classes in San Diego, CA, please visit Carol's website at www.AWellLivedLife.Net. For HypnoBirthing classes outside of San Diego, please go to www.HypnoBirthing.com to find a practitioner near you.

You can find more information about Best Start Birth Center on my resources page of my website at www.AWellLivedLife.Net.

www.AWellLivedLife.Net
www.AWellLivedLife.blogspot.com

Back!

I'm back from my whirlwind travels and more doctors appointments. I dread to think how much money we've spent on IF/health investigations if you include flights & hotels etc.. not to mention the doctor's fees!

But. If we eventually have our longed for baby it will all be worth it in the end. So I went back to Dr. S who told me 6 weeks ago that I had serious metal toxicity and that I needed to eat meat (shock!) and stop eating wheat, along with a host of other fruits and vegetables that can make inflammation worse. So I did it all. When I went back to him, he told me he is surprised at the progress I have made. All my other issues he found have disappeared as a result. He tested me for metals, he confirmed that I have got rid of them. He tested me again for wheat - still serious issue with it and he suggested I stay off of it. I have no problem with that, I have felt amazing not eating it. He confirmed that I no longer had any vitamin deficiencies (before my levels of B6 were negligible) and then he said I am going to test to see if you can get pregnant and importantly stay pregnant. I held my breath. I passed. INSERT LARGE BEAMING SMILE HERE:

He has prescribed me a pre-natal supplement, lots of zinc, omega 3 and choline (to make my baby smart, he said). Apparently choline helps with forming more connections in the brain and the more you have the more intelligent you are, so choline me up baby!! So I am officially back TTC. Well I will be next week anyway. Today is CD3 and for the first time in many many months I feel hopeful and positive. I feel that this may actually happen for us. In fact Dr. S gave me a firm but kind talk about enjoying my life and not concentrating my energies on worrying about what may happen but to already imagine my baby in my arms. It's hard to do. I told Mr. T afterward that holding a baby, my baby, feels like a kind of fantasy and when I think of it, I feel like I might as well be dreaming about unicorns and fairies. My baby has existed on that fantasy plain for so long, I find it hard to believe it might one day be real. When I said this I knew it was time for an attitude change. I only began to think like this to protect myself. Now it's time to open up myself again to allow good things to happen. I don't want worry or anxiety to hold me back. Time to picture myself with a healthy baby and believe it can and will happen. It's a tall order. Even Mr. T told me he will be an anxious wreck when (not if!!!) I get pg. I told him we will cross that bridge when we come to it. First we have more important things to do....

I also managed to get all the blood testing I missed out on last time we were back in London. So it will be interesting to see what the results say - these tests are for reproductive immunological issues. I spoke to Dr. S to see what he thought about it all and he raised a very valid point I thought - he said if you have major food insensitivities and you are eating something wrong for you, this will cause inflammation which will initiate a heightened immune response. Now that I have removed this inflammation I will be very interested to know my results from the blood testing and to see how my immune system is functioning. So we move forward on two fronts.

We have the more natural scientific approach from Dr. S - whose protocols have had a major affect on my general health. I have never felt better - so I do hold out significant hope that this will translate into healthier and better levels of fertility. And as a back-up we have done the testing for the reproductive immunological approach so if we ever need to that road is always there.

Now if you'll excuse me I need to have a serious chat with my attitude and my uterus.

Uterus? Can you hear me? We are finally back in business! Don't let me down!

Busy Busy Bee

That's me. I have had no time to blog at all! This is all because of our house which is coming on very well (and very fast) so it takes a lot to keep up!

Just a quick update. The six weeks is up! I can't believe how fast it's gone. I have finally completed the 6 week programme from my doctor and I am flying out to see him tomorrow. I feel amazing. I have lost so much weight. I have so much energy and everyone comments how well I look. I finally think this doctor has figured out what my problems were. I have a follow-up appointment with him tomorrow and he will design a pro-conception plan for me. Finally we are getting back on the TTC hamster wheel... yes I am actually looking forward to it.

Lastly, I have taken time off blogging as my due date was looming and I was highly emotional. Lots of birth announcements were coming in and though I am so happy for all those who have their longed for babies, it just brought the pain home again even more. It was time to protect myself. Mr. T and I commemorated the day by having a picnic on our land. We wrote a letter to our baby and we have a lantern we are going to attach it to and send it off into the sky the day we move into our home. It helped. I needed to finally say goodbye.

I hope I have more time to blog in the up-coming weeks. And to catch up with you too. Be back soon!

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....

A HypnoBirthing class testimonial

Dear Carol-

We both learned a lot and you provided a lot of valuable resources that I never would have been exposed to without the classes. My husband really walked away with a lot of knowledge that he never would have been able to get through me. To have his support, understanding and partnership at the level I do because of my doula training- it's because of your class. Thank you for your wisdom and support!

~Candace (a doula/professional labor support person) & Eric, 1st time parents, San Marcos, CA.
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Thanks, Candace! I'm glad that my classes gave you & Eric a way to bridge the gap so he could be completely involved in your baby's birth!

All my best--Carol

To learn more about Carol Yeh-Garner's HypnoBirthing classes, please visit her website at www.AWellLivedLife.Net. If you live outside of San Diego, please visit www.hypnobirthing.com to find a practitioner in your area.

www.AWellLivedLife.Net
www.AWellLivedLife.blogspot.com

No internet, the world & my bum

I have been cut off from the world. From you. From everyone. Like I was stuck on a desert island.

Except I wasn't. Cos that would have been quite nice. I was just at home with no internet boo!

Oh and my detox is really getting underway. Feeling the effects tremendously. TMI WARNING. I felt like the world fell out of my bum this morning.

The World. Bum. Fell out.

My insides feel like they have shrunk - like when you blow up balloon and then let it go and it flies around the room. Well my tummy feels like that balloon after it's flown around the room and then landed all wrinkled on the floor. Wah.

The Rollercoaster

Sometimes I feel like I'm riding a roller-coaster.

Sometimes I'm in that calm bit where the roller coaster is just slowly but determinedly climbing up, click-clack-click-clack, and I'm just enjoying the view - calm and serene.

And then comes the rush and I am having so much fun, a bit scared but loving the exhilaration.

This is how I feel when we begin a round of TTC.

Then before I know it I'm upside down and feeling sick, confused and disorientated.

This is mid TWW when I start to lose my mind.

And then it comes to the end. Oh. Can we go again?

Simple Things

Today I am thankful for simple things. Things that make life good even when you feel the storm closing in around you.

Smiles. The best form of communication.

Plants. I love my two frangipani trees. I have been growing them since June. They are really shooting up now and I can't wait till they get their first flowers.

Kisses. Lots and lots of kisses. Kissing is good for the soul.

I'm sure I've posted on that before! Well I've been told I'm a pretty good kisser....

Time. I am thankful when I have time to myself to do things I want to do. Like blog. Or knit. Or swim. Or cook. Or just be. Contemplating. The things that make me happy.

The House Post

So as some of you may know we started building our very first house this year. In fact it was the one thing that kept me going after the miscarriage as it gave me a project to throw myself into and I felt/feel like I'm creating something for our future.

About two years ago we bought a piece of land outside of Marrakech. It had beautiful views of the Atlas mountains, it had 70 olive trees, some almond trees, pomegranate and carob trees too. We fell in love with it and dreamed our dreams of bringing up our little family in the house we would one day build on the land, when we could afford it. Now as you all know, life doesn't always work out as planned. The babies didn't come. The money we needed took a little longer to earn than we thought. Then our car broke down and we had to buy a new one, so that delayed things on the money front again. And still the babies didn't come. Then the money situation was looking better and we could finally build the first small house. I got pregnant and it felt like everything was coming together. When I lost the baby I fell apart. But the one

shining light that kept me going through it all was the dream of this house, a dream that was starting to become real.

The house we are building is a small house, that will eventually act like a studio/guest annex when we can save up enough to build the main house. We are trying to be as environmentally-friendly as possible and so the house is being built out of adobe brick with as little cement as

possible. (Since cement has a massive carbon footprint.) The only cement that has been used is in the footings of the house and for the roof. We have our own well for all our water needs, we will have a special waste water system that filters everything back into clean water for watering the garden - and we are looking into permanent magnet technology to help generate some of our energy needs. Anyway enough talking, I'll let the pictures speak for themselves:

Outline of the house.

Making the adobe bricks.

Looking onto the front door.

Fireplace in the living room.

Bookcase niches.

Looking out the front door.

A roof!

Me walking on the newly set roof.

Can't wait until there are more photos to show and the house starts to look more like a home. It has all been worth the wait.