Hi. I'm still here. And just over the 8 week mark.
Still feeling pregnant so I'm hoping that's all good. Though after the silent miscarriage, I know nothing is for sure. But I woke at 5am this morning. Hungry, retching, needing to pee. I just wish these things didn't happen all at the same time.
I've been feeling much more tired this pregnancy. I sleep a lot and the nausea can come in strong waves but thankfully nothing as bad as last time. I managed to do a good walk up a hill to see this ruined kasbah on boxing day - I felt really good and I have now realised that exercise helps to combat the nausea. It's just that most of the time, I feel too tired to exercise, so it's a vicious cycle.
Oh and it was my wedding anniversary yesterday. Three years. But I have developed a slight cold so I'm taking it really easy and having an in-bed day. We decided that we would celebrate the anniversary later when I'm feeling better and can stomach eating normal food at a restaurant. I have totally gone off meat and fish. I cannot stand the smell of it. All I want is bread, cheese and potatoes. Basically everything that I am not meant to eat according to Dr. S.
So I have sent him an email to see what is the best way forward. I need to eat and these are the only things I want right now. Also on the alternative healing track I went to see this amazing woman who does TCM and also kinesiology like Dr. S, but she is here in Morocco. I told her that basically I am in good health now thanks to Dr. S but that I need help to stay calm and balanced during these next few weeks because I still worry after my miscarriage.
I won't go into the specifics of the treatment but basically she did these psychological tests on me: she got me to say these statements and then she tested to see if I believed them. I had to say things like 'I will have a healthy, happy pregnancy' and 'I will have a safe and healthy birth'. The testing showed that I truly believed these things. Then she asked me to say something about my miscarriage about accepting it and moving on. I took a deep breath and then out of nowhere I just burst into tears. It shocked me. We spoke about the pain, I cried, she cried, we talked a lot. And then we decided to try saying it again. I said what I had to say about accepting the loss and moving on and this time I did, and I believed it. It was incredibly powerful and felt like a great weight was lifting off me.
Then she tested me some more and she told me there was something else unresolved. We tried a number of things and they were not my issues. Then she asked me to say 'I deserve a happy, healthy pregnancy.' I said it, she tested me and I did not pass. We did it again, again I showed that I did not believe it. This was my unresolved issue. Part of me did not believe that I deserved to have a successful pregnancy. So we did all these psychological exercises to try and resolve this and figure out why I might feel this way.
It was quite complicated stuff but the crux of it came down to the fact that I felt that having a baby is something so sacred and so wonderful that I wasn't worthy. Which I think I may have always felt deep deep down in my subconscious. Anyway she made me do lots of analysis so that I can break this cycle of thought and turn into to something positive rather than being down on myself. Definitely a turning point. I left her office feeling buoyant.
So other than my annoying cold, I am doing well. Except for the nausea. And the tiredness. And the painful nipples. But I won't complain about these. Because as soon as these symptoms disappear I panic a bit. And can't wait for them to come back. And then when they do I wish they would go away. Go figure. I am becoming impossible to please. I'm sure Mr. T would agree right now!
