Kamis, 31 Desember 2009

The last few hours of 2009

Okay I fell off the blogging wagon. I was supposed to blog, I was supposed to take pictures over the holidays, I was supposed to do many things... but instead I slept and ate and ate some more and then slept again, before the eating-sleeping cycle started all over. I was so exhausted after my crazy work month in November I couldn't face doing a cinch of work or being near a computer. I have been like a bear in hibernation.


But I decided it was time to crawl out of the hole and come back to life. And what better way to do that than a party! Tonight I am going to a very glamourous party with wonderful friends and I can't wait. I have got my nails done, chosen my outfit (sort of, there are currently two front runners) and getting ready to fix my hairdo. Feels so good to do this and be normal again. And I am more than ready to say goodbye to 2009, the year of no babies. Maybe 2010 will be the year for me?


And blogosphere, I actually have hope that it maybe THE YEAR. I have some very important news to share with you: Mr. T got his SA done a few weeks ago. Oh yes. His numbers were 36 million sperm! 36 MILLION! He started out with 11 million last year went up to 16 million a few months ago and now we have within range numbers!!! The doctor actually told him that we have a good chance of getting pregnant naturally now. I know! N-A-T-U-R-A-L-L-Y! I mean we can have sex and there's a good chance that I might get pregnant because of it, how freaking weird is that!!! So I have to admit that along with all the hibernation, there has been some between the sheets action - I mean we actually have a chance now, we gotta make the most of it!


However we have both decided to go ahead with another round of IUI in January to start the New Year TTCing off with a big push, we want to maximize all our chances now. There were still some issues with motility in Mr. T's SA but the doc said that motility changes all the time, the real issue was the number of sperm. So we'll keep trying and hoping for a BFP in 2010. 

I also wanted to wish you all a happy and BFP-full new year. In the meantime have a great night tonight whatever you are doing, who knows where we will be this time next year. Pregnant? Mother with baby? Let's hope so. Otherwise.... okay let's not go there now... Happy New Year!

Minggu, 13 Desember 2009

Become a HypnoBirthing Labor Companion/Doula

This training is coming to San Diego in February & will be amazing! Jenny West is a HypnoBirthing instructor & homebirth midwife. You will learn a lot! This would be great for doulas or anyone that has had a HypnoBirth or Hypnobabies birth.

HypnoBirthing Professional Labor Companion Workshop

Whether you have recently enjoyed the HypnoBirthing® training or you have been a practitioner for some time, this is a great opportunity for you to learn more about the practicalities and the joys of supporting a Mom as she calmly, gently and peacefully births her baby into the world.

This workshop of for those that already understand hypnosis and the benefits of a relaxed birth, however may need more information 'everything else' birth related, what's normal, what isn't, what to do when it isn't normal, how to recognize your own limits as an labor companion and when it's time to invite the buffet of technology into the birth.

Course Content:
*Defining the Role of the Professional Labor Companion*Physiology of Pregnancy*Mechanics of Birth*Belief Systems*Pain in Birth*Factors that Effect the Perception of Pain in Labor*Understanding Special Circumstances*Understanding Medical Procedures*Effective Communication with Birthing Staff*Postpartum Basics and Support*Breastfeeding Basics*Marketing Your Services*Loss, Grief and Healing

Instructor: Jenny West
Location: San Diego, CA
Date: February 8th and 9th (Mon-Tues)
We have a lovely venue at 16980 Via Tazon, Suite 260 San Diego, CA 92127

$325 for two full days of fun-filled information, workbook, at least two books filled with great information to fire you up, certification, referrals via the HypnoBirthing Institute and 16 CEU's.
Registration must be completed by January 15th.

Contact Jenny West at jenny@tubsntea. com 505-294-4359 (9-5 MST) orJennifer Lindeman (our local hostess and source of information) hypwithjenn@sbcglobal.net 858-385-9028

You will also receive a “birth related topic” for you to research and present at the Workshop.
Please keep these to one or two pages only, as each participant will be covering a different topic and duplicate copies will be given to each participant as a reference guide to use in the future. The sooner you send this form back, the better your topic choices are!

You will also be required to attend at least five births and send in completed forms in order to receive your HBPLC Certificate. These forms can be found in the back of the workbook you will receive at the workshop.

Please send this to jenny@tubsntea. com prior to the Workshop.
Thank you for your interest and I look forward to learning with you.

Jenny West, LM, CPM, HBCE, TBMP, CST, CD,KHTP,PP&E

HypnoBirthing® Professional Labor Companion Workshop Registration
Date and location of workshop you plan to attend ____________ _________ _________
Name ____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _
E-Mail ____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________
Phone ____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _
Occupation ____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _______
Degrees, certifications and licenses related to pregnancy and birth:
Number of births attended:
Hospital –
Birth Center –
Home –
1.Please write a brief biography (no more than 2 pages) describing what brought you to the place of working with women in pregnancy and birth. (Feel free to email this in a separate format, or add it to end of this sheet.)
2.Name the most important thing you would like to take away with you from this workshop.
3.It is highly recommended that you read “Heart & Hands” by Elizabeth Davis; “The Thinking Woman’s Guide to a Better Birth” by Henci Goer and “Hey, Who's Having This Baby Anyway? By Breck Hawk OR anything by Marsden Wagner.

This training will be hosted by:
Jennifer Lindeman
Certified Hypnotherapist
HypnoBirthing Childbirth Educator
(858) 385-9028
www.HypnosisWithJennifer.com

www.AWellLivedLife.Net
www.AWellLivedLife.blogspot.com

Babies, Babies Everywhere

I have to tell you about last night. I was invited to a party at the house of some people I never met before but we have many mutual friends and so Mr. T and I were invited to come along. We walked into the party and it was like baby fest 2009. Seriously. Mothers breast feeding everywhere, push-chairs and baby seats galore and the pitter-patter of little feet all round us. I felt like the room was spinning. My friend who came with us, who doesn't have children, joked to the hostess of the evening, Do we have to have a baby to be able to come in, or what?


As I stood there with a fake smile plastered to my face, worried that my insecure uncomfortable IF-self would start to show, I considered my options. A quick exit  that would not be considered too rude seemed to be a good choice. I made an effort to speak with our hostess, I asked her about her home and where she had had her baby. She explained she had a home birth. She smiled at me and said birth and motherhood are the two issues I am most passionate about. It was like a knife into my stomach. I too am very passionate about birth and motherhood, in fact so passionate that I put myself through all this TTC crap, the tests, injections and everything else.. but this is not really party conversation to share with people you've just met. So I just smiled and thought, yep a quick exit is the only way to save my sanity.
 

But then other guests arrived and they brought their lovely college-aged kids. I spent the whole night talking to them about their plans, college life, the environment and politics.. it was great. They were utterly charming and completely switched on. So refreshing and wonderful to meet young people like that and it totally saved me from noticing the mass of happy new mommies all around me. I survived! 

On other news, Mr. T did his thang at the the lab on Friday and we get the results on Monday. Hoping for some good numbers!

Kamis, 10 Desember 2009

Where? Who? What?

I have tried to write three posts since my last and I just haven't been able to. I think it's because my thoughts are all over the place and I haven't been able to write anything coherent. Mainly because I haven't been honest with myself. But it's hard to be honest with yourself when your mind is all over the place.


Half the time I'm convinced I'm relaxed about not getting pregnant anytime soon, that I'm ready just to focus on my child-'free' life and enjoy all that comes with it: going out in the evening at a moment's notice, focusing on work and just being happy with it being 'just the two of us'. The other half of the time getting pregnant, being pregnant is all I can think about, I over-analyze everything: Is Mr. T doing enough exercise, are we taking our vitamins, is there anything else we should be doing? Oh my God, I have to get pregnant or else I will just just..... what will I just? Nothing. Life will go on. And then I realize it is useless trying to control it and getting desperate about it. So I decide to give up. 


Yeah, for all of about an hour. 

How do I do this? Shall I just keep on with the trying not to think about it, even if that's what I am doing pretty much every waking hour and then also for most of my sleeping hours too? Does anyone have any tips? EEK! And the holidays are just around the corner, which I love spending with my family, but always makes me pine all the more. The emptiness is always more visceral over the holidays. And then new years... another year over, with no baby news, no motherhood for me, no additions to 'just the two of us'.  I'm not doing too well at being relaxed and the whole que sera sera attitude, am I?

If there was some medication for a crazy IF lady who has four heads and is not sure which one she is inhabiting at any given moment, I could really do with a large dose right now. 

Minggu, 06 Desember 2009

The Story of Two Moms

Mickey Mongan, the founder of HypnoBirthing, recently did a presentation called "Believe in the Magic of Your Thoughts". She told the story of 2 pregnant mothers & how their thoughts helped create their birthing experience.

The Story of Two Moms:

This is the story of 2 beautiful pregnant mothers. They have lived side by side for many years and have become great friends. They enrolled in a HypnoBirthing childbirth class. As they attended the classes with their amazing and supportive birth companions, they realized and decided to take a brand new turn in their lives by getting rid of their worn, musty and non-functional hand-me-downs. In this process, they scheduled a moving company to come to their homes on the same day.

Birthing mother A who lived in a house with a red door, graciously welcomed the workers from the moving company. She showed them the way into her house to take everything out. As each and every piece of furniture, linen, appliances and dishware were taken away, she got more ecstatic at the process she partake. They took the last item, she closed her door and jumped for joy, excited to take another journey of shopping for new furniture and appliances.

Now, Birthing mother B who lived in the house with a blue door, was very hesitant to even open her door when the moving company came knocking. She cancelled her request of removing her hand-me-downs as she felt uncomfortable of letting go as the items had served many generations of her family. Instead, she had the items stored in the shed in the backyard.

The following day, Mom B, who had never replaced her old things, looked around and realized that her home was empty; and so she went out to the shed and took in one of the pieces of her old hand-me-downs. The following day, she did the same, and she continued, day after day, to keep retreiving bits and pieces of the old non-functional goods until, at last, she had every piece of the goods and furnishings back in her home, and she felt content surrounded by those things that she had lived with for years.

One of the moms had a wonderful HypnoBirthing; the other mom had a traditional birthing, overshadowed by interventions and management. Can you guess which was which?

Question is: Have you gotten rid of your "old stuff" - to have the calm, gentle, comfortable birth that you so desire?

Each birthing mother will bring to her birth thoughts, feelings and beliefs that she feels comfortable with, even though she thought she wanted something different. Birthing is bringing forth new life, new beginnings, new journey...then, pregnant mothers need to bring forth new thoughts, new feelings and new beliefs approaching the birth they want to achieve for their unborn baby.

Thanks, Mickey, for sharing this story!

It's so important to release the fears, doubts, & concerns you have about your birth experience & about the adjustments you'll have to make in your life so that you can go into your birthing confident without anything that can cause you to have the fear that causes the tension that causes the pain. This is why I believe HypnoBirthing classes are so valuable...because the classes allow couples to learn to get deeply relaxed so that the mother's body can do what it is naturally capable of doing PLUS the couples are able to experience several fear-releasing hypnosis sessions so that they can let go of their "old stuff".

For more information about HypnoBirthing classes in San Diego, please visit my website at www.AWellLivedLife.Net or the main HypnoBirthing website at www.hypnobirthing.com.

www.AWellLivedLife.Net
www.AWellLivedLife.blogspot.com

Dear Santa

It's been a while since I wrote you a letter for Christmas. In fact I think it's been over twenty years since I last wrote to you and handed the envelope addressed to Mr.S.Claus, North Pole, The Arctic  to my father, who promised me that on his next flight he would be sure to drop it off. I thought I must be especially lucky, as my Daddy was a pilot and so my letters got an express direct delivery. Much better than posting and relying on regular mail.  


But since those twenty years have passed a lot has changed. For a start, I began giving my Christmas list direct to my parents and cutting you out completely and now I just send a group email out to all my nearest and dearest with my Christmas wish list. It's nothing personal Santa, but since most of my wish lists seem to always start and end with the Victoria's Secret catalogue, I just didn't think you and your elves were into making lace lined push-up bras with invisible seams and removable straps..? But do let me know if you ever decide to launch a line of Santa Baby lingerie, hand-stitched by North Pole elves of course, as I do believe it will be quite a hit. 


I am writing to you Santa as I have a rather special request that no catalogue or amazon shopping cart can fulfill, not event the labyrinth souks of Marrakech can help me out with this one. So Santa I am emailing you directly and even publishing the letter on my blog (which I hope you will become a regular reader of) in the hope you can fulfill my Christmas wish this year.

Here's the thing Santa, my husband and I have wanted to have a child of our own for nearly two years. Though we happily get on with our lives and love each other so very much, there is an emptiness in our hearts that only a child can fill. We were both made to be parents, we know this much, and we are so ready to face all the challenges and difficulties that come with parenting. Having children is all we've ever really wanted. 

Santa, do you remember the time I wrote to you about that pink and purple bike, with the white wheels, colourful streamers and the flower-shaped bell that I saw in Toys 'R' Us? Do you remember the squeals of joy when I saw it propped up against the side of my house on Christmas day with a great big bow on it? Well Santa, if you could just work your magic again on this little Christmas wish I have, I promise the squeals of joy will be louder, I won't ever get bored with this Christmas gift the moment a brand new and shinier toy turns up, and I won't ever get angry at this Christmas gift when I fall off and scrape my knee. This Christmas gift I will love and cherish forever and it will make me the happiest person on earth.


Please Santa, all I want for Christmas this year is a baby.

Your dear friend, 
who has been very good this year,

Clare.

P.S There will be a large tray full of hot mince pies and steaming mulled wine waiting for you on your arrival. Home made of course, no processed pre-packaged pies for you Santa.

Kamis, 03 Desember 2009

Back to Life

Hello there! I am back. Back to The Pitter-Patter. Back to blogging about TTCing, POASing, BFNs and the no-baby-yet blues. All done with endless hope and buckets of tears. Ahh I have missed it. Not the tears. But the writing. And I have really missed you.


Did I...?
If there is any big news that you think I just HAVE to know please drop me a comment with the link to your blog post that I missed. I have just been away too long...Thank you!

So for my update: Well there is no baby news. No surprise there. In fact if there was any baby news it would be a very holy miracle, if you catch my drift. Not only have I been working so hard that I had no time to blog, I also had no time for Mr. T. Poor poor neglected Mr. T. Well don't feel too sorry for him - he is currently in the dog house (see above picture). I'll get back to that in a moment.

So the craziness of work is over. No more coming home after midnight day after day. I can finally have my life back! I can see friends, go out for lunch, have a lie-in, go to yoga, blog (!) and just do normal life things again. Like getting back into that TTC rhythm - though the fact that all that TTC chaos seems normal to me is quite depressing. It was really nice to forget all about trying to have a baby, to forget about timed sex, IUIs and pregnancy tests. To just be me without all that. But. As soon as my event was finished and my life started to adjust back to normal, I felt empty again and realized that another month had gone by and this time there was not even a slim chance of a BFP.


This leads me to this month and Mr.T's current residence in the dog house. You see we had planned a week of relaxation. A week to just be with each other. A week that we both really needed. And it just happened to be over ovulation time too! Yay! But. Mr. T messed up. Big time. I won't share his mistake with you all but needless to say he is apologizing and having to pull out the big apology guns and the I-really-messed-up-with-my-wife gifts: chocolates, flowers, candle-lit bubble baths, dinners, breakfast in bed... he's getting there. However there was no way any bedroom fun was going to take place so this month's TTCing never happened. Which basically means no baby hopes for us anytime soon. Sigh. Big annoying frustrating sigh.

On to some slightly bizarre news... While dealing with the no-baby-hopes, I have been having a strong urge to knit. I can't knit. I have no idea how to knit. But I have a feeling that knitting is going to help me deal with my IF. I don't know why or how, but it's a gut feeling I have so I think I am going to give it a try. I'll let you know how it goes. And don't worry I won't be handing out any of my knitted experiments as Christmas gifts.


Hmmm... it's good to be back. There is so much more I need to share with you! Be back soon.

Jumat, 06 November 2009

An example of how HypnoBirthing heals birth trauma

This is the journey of one of my former HypnoBirthing clients, Kim, who was terrified of giving birth & needing another c-section:

My first birth was 20 years ago... I was very young (20 to be exact) and very uneducated in regards to the "birthing" process, I had no idea that there were even options available to me as far as different types of births or classes etc... I was very naive and very frightened to say the least! I believe that because i was so unaware and afraid that I ended up being in labor for 3 days (not knowing how to help myself progress) I went to the hospital 3 times and was sent home all 3 times because I wasn't progressing so i was told to go home until I was further along but because I didn't know what to do or how to do it I ended up with an emergency C-section and was told it was because of "Failure to progress".

When I was finally admitted to the hospital the only thing I remember is being hooked up to so many machines and monitors - and put in a room with multiple mothers in labor as well (all of them playing cards and watching TV because they had an epidural) but I was screaming in agony because I wanted to try to birth naturally but didn't have support or knowledge as to how to do this. I didn't have anyone coaching me or anyone explaining to me what was happening and why and then before I knew it I was being rushed me to the surgery room for an emergency surgery. I was terrified for my baby and for myself!

Over the past 20 years I wanted to have another child but I knew deep inside that I was pretty traumatized from the first delivery and I believe that because it was never the "right" time or because I never felt ready that it kept me from trying again. I recently became re-married and my husband and I decided to try to conceive and because I finally felt "whole" and "supported" I decided this was the "right" time in my life.

As my pregnancy progressed I started feeling very scared about going into labor again and extremely terrified of the possibility of having another emergency c-section! I was so frightened that there would be several days during the week that i would just break down crying to my husband or to my doctor (Dr. Biter) about my fears. I had a very hard time reading books about birth or even watching video's that showed women birthing! My whole body would become very tense and I would have to shut my eyes. I was finally advised to look into doing "HypnoBirthing".

At first I was very hesitant about how the process of HypnoBirthing could actually work or even help me and at the beginning I still couldn't watch the video's that Carol would be showing - or even talking about my first experience in front of the class made me sick to my stomach but as we went through the classes and after reading the material and actually doing the homework I started becoming more and more at ease about the whole process. I started learning so much about how I can have the "birth" that I desire and that whatever the outcome it would truly be the peaceful birth that I am meant to have. And because of the work that I did through HypnoBirthing, I was able to heal from my past wounds of childbirth and embrace this birth even though it had to take a different path then we had hoped for!

After trying everything I possibly could for 2 weeks to turn my sweet little girl around, we finally had to go in and get her on Sunday, Oct 18th. Dr. Biter was fabulous and supported me 100% with trying any and all alternative measures and then I did end up going into labor on day 13 - contractions were 10 min apart for about 15 hours until we finally decided it was time to go in for surgery.

The one thing I do want to say is that because of HypnoBirthing I was able to come to peace with my journey through all of this and used all of the techniques we learned to help me along the way even though I didn't have the birth of my choice. I did learn that I can't control everything and this little girl taught me that I need to learn to let-go and surrender once in awhile! I also had an opportunity to do some healing from my first birth as well which was wonderful! So thank you for everything! I couldn't have done it without you!

Love, Kim
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thanks, Kim, for sharing your story! I'm so glad that the HypnoBirthing classes helped you heal your birth trauma from your 1st birth & helped you get to a place of acceptance & peace for your 2nd birth. Congratulations on the birth of Laila & enjoy your babymoon!

www.AWellLivedLife.Net
www.AWellLivedLife.blogspot.com

Sabtu, 31 Oktober 2009

Happy Halloween...

Since I don't get to celebrate Halloween because a. I live in Morocco and b. I'm just working too damn hard at the moment, I thought I'd share my favourite Halloween costumes with you...


So cute!!

On the baby front - I feel like I'm just too busy to even think about TTCing this month, so sadly and with a very heavy heart, I'll cross November off the calendar and hope for better luck next cycle. In the meantime, I'm wishing for good news from the rest of IF blogosphere.

Selasa, 27 Oktober 2009

The Power of the Mind

In HypnoBirthing classes, we de-hypnotize people about the idea that birth must be painful. The power of our thoughts (unconscious & conscious) is amazing & affects the way our body reacts. If we fear something, our body tenses up. If we are calm, endorphins are released & our body is more capable of doing the job it is supposed to do more comfortably. Mickey Mongan, the founder of the HypnoBirthing Institute, recently shared a powerful example of how the placebo effect can affect the body:

The account of this study is written in Dr. Bruce Lipton’s book, The Biology of Belief. It seems that Dr. Bruce Mosley of Baylor School of Medicine published a study in 2002 in the NE Journal of Medicine. The study involved patients with severe, debilitating knee pain. Dr. Mosley was convinced that there was no placebo effect in surgery. He knew that knee surgery helped the patients that he saw. In an effort to figure out which particular procedure in the surgery actually gave the most relief, he set up a study whereby the patients in the study were divided into three groups. In one group he shaved the cartilage; and in another group, he flushed out the knee joint, removing the material that he believed caused inflammation. Both of these procedures were standard for arthritic knee surgery. That third group received “fake surgery”. The patient was sedated, and Mosley then made three standard incisions. He then talked and acted in the very same manner that he would in any actual knee surgery. He even splashed salt water to simulate the sound of the knee-washing procedure. He spent about 40 minutes completing this “fake surgery.” He then sewed up the incisions, again, as if he had actually performed the surgery. The people in all three groups were prescribed the same post surgery care, which included a regimen of exercise.

The results showed that the people who received actual surgery improved; however, the placebo group that received the “fake surgery” improved equally as well. A couple of months later they assessed the success of both groups. There was no appreciable difference in the outcomes of the two groups. Pictures of the patients were shown on television news programs, with pictures of the people in the fake group playing basketball, running, etc. they didn't tell the placebo group for two years, and the doctor stated-"It is very obvious that my surgical skills had no effect on these people. The mind is a marvelous thing."

Just as the mind can heal, it can also create pain. HypnoBirthing classes teach moms-to-be (& their partners) how to be in control of their mind so they can have a more comfortable, maybe pain-free, birthing experience.

If you are interested in learning more about HypnoBirthing, please visit my website at www.AWellLivedLife.Net or www.HypnoBirthing.com. It is recommended by the HypnoBirthing Institute that moms-to-be take HypnoBirthing classes between their 5th & 7th month of pregnancy in order to have enough time to practice & re-learn to trust their body's natural ability to birth a baby.

Thanks Mickey for sharing this important example of the power of the mind!

www.AWellLivedLife.Net
www.AWellLivedLife.blogspot.com

Minggu, 25 Oktober 2009

Down By The Lake

Today I went to a shimmering blue lake. I stood by the shore staring out over the water. I wanted so much to dive in. But. I was hesitant. I forgot my swimsuit. Also it might be too cold. Maybe the ground would be too slimy. Or maybe it would be too sharp. And AF is in residence. So many reasons. So I resigned to just look and let my eyes swim in its blue.

But as I spent hours watching and watching, trying to read my book, but always being drawn to gaze out over the sparkling water. The desire to swim drew me to its shores once again. A friend lent me a swimsuit. I dipped my toe in. The temperature was perfect. One step followed another. Before I knew it the cool water reached my hips. And then I was swimming. I felt revived. Renewed. I felt the sadness and disappointment of this cycle wash away. It's as though the cool water cleansed my mind as well as my body. 

I feel ready to look toward the future. To keep trying. To start afresh. The beauty and vastness of the landscape reminded me that the the world has so much to offer. There is hope. Perhaps you too will understand why today was a good day...



Jumat, 23 Oktober 2009

Game Over

No baby this month. It's all over. And AF is one sneaky bitch. I got to 15 DPO and the cramps fell silent. So I went to the pharmacy and bought two pregnancy tests before work so I could test when I came home. But I shouldn't have even bothered. AF had me beat. 


Hours later the red lady sang her first note. And I cried the first of many hysterical tears last night. I still feel numb. Angry. Depressed. And just generally f@*ked off. I'm still fighting back tears as I try to process it all.

It's so hard to believe it will ever happen for us at times like these. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER repeats in my head. Did I ever believe it was really possible? I think some hypnotism would be good for me. I need to believe this can happen for us. I just can't believe something so amazing as being pregnant, could happen to me...? 

Another month, another cycle added to the steadily growing mountain of TTC months. Where am I at now? (Counting).. twenty. Twenty months. I HATE IF.

Rabu, 21 Oktober 2009

On Patrol

14 DPO. AF MIA. Permission to POAS? Negative. Ambush suspected. AF may attack at any moment. Be prepared. Be vigilant. AF is known to strike when least expected, when she has convinced you she poses no threat. Don't let down your guard soldier!

Selasa, 20 Oktober 2009

I'm Dreaming Of...



... two pink lines on a stick. No kidding. That's what my dream was about last night. It was so very real and the elation I felt so palpable that I woke up feeling happy and excited. But as I lay in bed processing this all, I thought to myself, here is where I go to the bathroom and find out that the fat red lady has begun her number. Because life is just that mean. But she hasn't. Yet. Though the cramps are growing stronger by the day.

In fact last night after my evening bath, I broke down. The cramps are just too strong and too familiar so I threw in the towel and had a good cry on Mr. T's shoulder. He kept telling me something about 'only 3 months since the embolization', 'are chances will get even better', 'we will have children in our lives one way or another'...... but I did not want to be consoled. I just want to be pregnant.


So I went to sleep with puffy eyes and a little sniffle on my chest and I dreamed. I dreamed of peeing on a stick and I dreamed of seeing two unmistakable pink lines. I dreamed and felt the rush of excitement as I showed it to Mr. T. He was overjoyed. As I raced around the house and woke up everyone (a weird assortment of people seemed to be staying at this house) to show them my two pink lines. In my dream I remember keeping the stick in the pocket of my jeans so I could show everyone, and to keep reminding myself it was true. And I woke up smiling. And then I remembered it was just a dream. Just a dream...


AF(?) cramps are coming stronger than yesterday. I feel like I'm kidding myself to cling on to hope that this may be something else. But it's not game over yet. The red lady hasn't sung a note. But I will carry my pads with me today. Because. IF has schooled me. In my dreams I can be a mother. In my dreams I can be pregnant. In my dreams I can even fly. But dreams are just dreams. Life is.. life can be.. mean. 

Senin, 19 Oktober 2009

It Ain't Over....

..till the red lady sings. 12DPO, and I have cramps. Ugh. Not a good sign. But I won't believe it's over yet. Not yet. It ain't over till the red lady sings.

Sabtu, 17 Oktober 2009

Journey to HypnoBirthing

Kim & Jeff took my May/Tuesday 2009 classes. Kim had a baby several years ago & thought she had a good experience--had an epidural, had a pretty straight-forward labor, but when she got pregnant with her 2nd, she did more research. Here is their birth journey...

My birth adventure was a decision making process that led me to open my mind, follow my heart, embrace my power as a woman and share my passion. I hope to eventually inspire others to change perceptions of birth and understand how amazing our body is. I am going to start at the beginning because I feel it will be cathartic to get it all out of my brain. When I found out I was pregnant-- I immediately went to my ob/gyn. This was what I thought everyone did. They saw a doctor, went to monthly check-ups, labored in pain at a big hospital, got an epidural and eventually went home with a healthy, bouncing baby.

I should know. I experienced it all before with my daughter, Brooklyn. I was very young when I had her, but I thought my experience was good compared to some horror stories I had heard. With Brooklyn, I had a lovely woman doctor that I barely got to talk to. I got poked, prodded and had to pee in a cup nearly every visit. I took childbirth education classes at the big hospital where emphasis seemed to be on funny breathing and answers about the epidural. I decided to take my doctor up on a suggestion to be artificially induced two days before I was even due. I got hooked up to every monitor and contraption. I ended up getting an epidural even though I never stated that I wanted one. I had a catheter put in because I couldnʼt pee and then I got a stern on-call physician that I had never seen before using a suction cup device to help deliver my baby. I thought I had a generally “good” experience because I went in to the hospital at 8am and Brooklyn was born at 5pm. I thought this was how it always went. Boy--was I uneducated about choices!

So here I am back in the ob/gyn office, replaying in my mind everything that happened with Brooklynʼs birth. I knew I did not want all those medical interventions. I wanted something different. Since I work in healthcare, I realize all the unnecessary procedures that are done today and have seen the complications that can arise. I knew with this birth I wanted it to be more natural. So here I am for my first appointment and all I see is the nurse practitioner. I found out I might not even meet the doctor for awhile because she is so busy. The NP tells me my only birthing choice is Tri-City hospital, but this is great because they have a Level III NICU. Immediately, I donʼt like this. As I go to checkout, I am informed my insurance doesnʼt cover anything pregnancy related, but they will let me do a payment plan for the birth. I donʼt like this either. Time to make some decisions.

Now begins my research. I found a great California funded insurance option for women who are pregnant. Itʼs called AIM (Access for Infants and Mothers) but of course mycurrent ob/gyn is NOT a provider for this insurance. I figure this is ok...maybe Iʼll find a better doctor....or maybe a midwife. Wait, what is a midwife? I had heard of them, but I had a skewed vision of older, gray-haired, gruff women delivering babies in garages..or something like that. So more research.

I find out midwives are great! They are generally more holistic-minded, promote natural birth and are very educated and informed about the birth process. They spend more time with their patients and respect their choices. Not all midwives deliver babies at home either. There are dedicated practices of midwives that work and deliver babies at hospitals. I chose to try North County Health Services in Encinitas. Immediately, I felt great with the midwives there. They were young, vibrant and excited about ME and my pregnancy. Now that I had midwives, I had to figure out what I needed to birth naturally. There had to be an alternative to Lamaze class. More research.

Somehow I stumbled across HypnoBirthing. This immediately struck a chord with me since Jeff and I had just started listening to self-relaxation and hypnosis scripts. We both used them to go to sleep and we always felt better when we woke up. I started watching YouTube clips of HypnoBirthing. All the women seemed calm and peaceful. This seemed right to me. (Plus I was determined to prove to Jeff that birthing can be beautiful. He kept having this horror episiotomy vision that haunted him). I did more research on HypnoBirthing classes and found Carolʼs website. I was a little hesitant...should we spend the $300 or just take the free childbirth classes at the hospital? But, I had a good feeling so I signed us up! I was lucky Jeff was so open to hypnosis- he was actually very excited for these classes. We always made it sort of a date night and had a dinner or went to the beach before class. It was nice to set aside that extra time for just us.

My pregnancy went by fast and it was great! I felt fantastic. I did prenatal yoga almost every day and ate very healthy. We started Carolʼs classes with 7 weeks left until my estimated due date. The HypnoBirthing classes were great. I really felt educated and informed to make all the right decisions. I was able to figure out exactly how I wanted this birth to go and put that vision in my mind. I read the HypnoBirthing book about two times and I listened to the rainbow relaxation cd almost every night before bed. I pasted my birth affirmation up on the wall and I continued to always think positively. I never watched any Baby Story tv shows and I let everyoneʼs comments about pain roll off me like water. I felt very prepared. My midwives were interested in HypnoBirthing, but had never really seen it first hand. I repeated a mantra in my head that my labor would be fast and easy. Everyone kept saying 2nd babies come early most of the time, but I had no symptoms of impending labor at all. I kept joking around to Jeff that I would probably go into labor when he was up in Burbank for work and he would have to race home in traffic. Or the baby would be born in the middle of the night and be a little night owl like him.

On July 13 2009- This was my estimated due date. I woke up with a little bit of bleeding. I figured this was probably either the beginning of my cervix dilating or the loss of my mucous plug. I started to get excited but I figured labor could still be awhile away. Jeff had to leave to drive to Santa Ana to meet with some employees of his. I told him to be on “high alert” but I donʼt think he took me seriously. I took Brooklyn to swimming lessons in the morning and then I came home and wasnʼt feeling too great. My mom came over to take Brooklyn for the rest of the day so I could relax. I started having some menstrual like cramps. I laid in bed and surfed the internet on my laptop, ate a snack and just rested. I really didnʼt think these cramps could be surges so I kind of just ignored them. About 1pm, I started timing the cramps just in case. They were pretty sporadic. Some would come every 10 minutes and last for 40 seconds and some would come every 3 minutes and last 15 seconds. I still didnʼt possibly think I could be in labor.

Around 5:30pm I started getting more uncomfortable. The cramps were a little more regular, but they still only lasted about 40 seconds. Maybe this was labor? I called my midwife to get her advice. She said that I should just relax and maybe get in the bathtub and call her back when the surges were at least a minute long for over an hour. I got in the bath tub, started drinking my coconut water and plugged my ipod into my ears. I listened to the Rainbow Relaxation on a loop. I wanted to labor at home as long as I could before going to the hospital. I called Jeff to come home because I knew he was atleast 45 minutes away. The cramps started getting more intense. I couldnʼt get very comfortable in the bath, but kept breathing and focusing on relaxation. Jeff came home and started packing things in the car for the the hospital (Scripps Encinitas). I didnʼt really know what he was doing packing MORE things when I had a backpack all ready to go, but I guess he was just nervous.

Finally he came into the bathroom and I asked him to time my surges. I would hold up my hand when one started and ended because I didnʼt want to talk. I really had to focus on breathing and relaxing. I visualized each surge as a wave that I was riding with a beginning, a peak and a distinct end. I also visualized my cervix opening with each wave. I especially focused on keeping my face and mouth relaxed. He said they were still only about 40-50 seconds long. I remained in the bath tub as the cramps were getting stronger. I kept remembering what Carol said about how when you feel like if you want an epidural-youʼre probably just really close to 10cm. I immediately put the thought of an epidural out of my head. In my mind, it just wasnʼt an option at all. Iʼm not sure how much time went by but it was dark outside now. I started feeling my body involuntarily push the baby down. During each surge I would moan (which I totally didnʼt expect). I started bleeding a little more and I thought my water may have broken but I wasnʼt sure because I was in the bath. I really didnʼt think I could wait for the surges to get longer--I knew I was getting close to seeing my little girl.

Finally I told Jeff it was time to get in the car and go to the hospital. It was so hard for me to get out of the bath. I really didnʼt want to leave the water. Jeff wrapped me in my robe and grabbed a towel for between my legs. He called the midwives and it was Brita on-call that night! She was my favorite midwife! She was going to meet us there. The car ride was very uncomfortable but I kept listening to the ipod and breathing. Ofc ourse Jeff was trying to hurry and missed the freeway entrance and we had to go the long way (poor guy was so nervous). I didnʼt say anything because I didnʼt want him even more nervous, but I tease him about it now- it was so cliche!

We got to the hospital and I got in a wheelchair. I was still naked under my robe with a towel between my legs (so much for the cute clothes I bought to labor in!). I got a room very quickly and realized it was already 10:30 pm. Brita checked me once I got situated and I was at 8 cm! I was so happy that I didnʼt have long to go. According to my birth plan, I agreed to having a hep-lock but I did not want an IV started. They were able to monitor the baby but the nurse turned the volume down so I didnʼt have to hear the heartbeat. I wanted to be calm. With each surge, I had to grab the handrails of the bed and I would breathe and moan. (Jeff said that if someone was just passing by the doorway it would have sounded like a woman having great sex! How mortifying!)

Brita was so awesome and she used warm compresses on my perineum just like I wanted in my birth plan. Jeff was standing by for anything I needed, but I really just wanted to listen to the rainbow relaxation. I tried to get in a few different positions but being on my back actually felt the best. Brita said that I had a fore-bag of waters that had broken but my actual water had not broke. She offered to break my water and then things would gor eally fast. My surges were so intense that I agreed. She broke my water and I could feel my body pushing the baby down. Brita checked me again. I was suddenly at 10cm! Anytime I wanted to push or breathe the baby down, I could.

This is where I had a little break. I remember the room was very dim. It was just Jeff and Brita with me. There was one nurse setting up things for the baby. There was no commotion. It was so calm. The surges were farther apart. I tried breathing the baby down with a little push, but nothing was happening. I tried my hands and knees and also laying on my side. Finally I was ready for the baby to be out! I got on my back again and pushed a few times. I remember Brita said to reach down and touch the head. I did and it was amazing! It gave me the strength to give a few more pushes and her head came out. She had the cord wrapped around her neck twice but it was quickly unwrapped and with one more push she was out! Instantly Brita put her on my abdomen and her slippery little body wiggled up and found my nipple. She looked at me with her big eyes and was completely alert and seemed aware of everything. She was born 2 minutes before midnight. I had only been in the hospital for an hour and a half!

Brita said she had never seen anyone look so calm and in control during labor. Jeff said I did great and the nurse said I was a professional birther (hahaha!) In my head, I had felt a little crazy and not as calm as everyone said I looked and I felt like I failed at “breathing” the baby down because I ended up just pushing, but when I look back on it--it was so absolutely beautiful and I felt so good and so strong afterwards. It really felt like the most amazing thing I had ever done in my life. I had no ripping-just a tiny tear by my urethra that didnʼt even require a stitch. I still feel so proud I let my body birth naturally.

Little Nikka is still very alert and very healthy. My body was pretty much back to normal after 2 weeks. I didnʼt have half as much pain and discomfort postpartum as I had with Brooklyn. Nikkaʼs birth went pretty much exactly how I visualized it..even down to the part where I joked that Jeff wouldnʼt be around during onset of labor and she would be born in the middle of the night. I really believe Carolʼs HypnoBirthing class played a big role in my wonderful birth. Thank you, Carol! And thanks to Brita Pompa CNM who delivered Nikka! I am so inspired by this experience that I hope I can find a way to spread this birth empowerment movement with more women.

Kim and Jeff
And Baby
Nikka Brazil Page
Born: July 13 2009
11:57 pm
8 lbs 4 oz

Congratulations Kim & Jeff! What an amazing & inspiring story! Thanks for sharing!

All my best--Carol
www.AWellLivedLife.Net
www.AWellLivedLife.blogspot.com

Catch 22

To have hope or not to have hope? That is the question. I'm 10 DPO and the moment of truth is just over the horizon. But I really feel like I'm in a catch 22 situation.


You see I convinced myself that not hoping too much, not having too much faith in it ever happening, was the best way to protect myself. But friends keep telling me how important it is to have hope and to use positive visualization. So in fact I have to believe I am pg, in order to make it happen, and that being negative may effect the outcome. But, but, I protest. I can't be positive, because if I am then I face the prospect of the even bigger disappointment if/when all is revealed, and I am not. Not being positive is my way of protecting myself. 


But it's not healthy. I know that. 

So what to believe? How to face the catch 22? Well... I have made up my mind. I think. I have decided that this cycle will be.... POSITIVITY! I might as well give it a go, right? I've even been doing positive visualization and little positive chants to myself:  I believe there is a little blasto settling into the lining of my womb, I believe my baby is starting its journey and is getting comfy in it's new home. Om.... positive visualization everyone. Say it with me. Om....

 And if I'm wrong? My heart will heal. It will have to. 

***

Apologies for my long blogging delays. I will be blogging less frequently in the next few weeks. I am coordinating a big event taking place next month and we are really getting down to the wire with all the planning and organizing that has to be done. I am working late nights and will be starting weekends soon. So please accept my apologies for not reading your posts as often as I would like. I will do my best to keep you updated and keep updated with you. Until then best of luck with all the TTCing!

Selasa, 13 Oktober 2009

It's That Time...

For awards! Yay! It means I get to add more lovely images and badges of honor to my blog wall. But first I want to thank Pie, Wiseguy, Eileen and Kait for awarding me the Over the Top Award...



Here's the deal:

Rules

1. You Can Only Use One Word! (yeah, that's not gonna happen, but I'll try my best!)

2. Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers

3. Alert them that you have given them this award!

4. Have Fun!

The Fun Part

1. Where is your cell phone? No idea

2. Your hair? Messy

3. Your mother? Unintentionally funny

4. Your father? Intentionally funny

5. Your favorite food? Indian

6. Your dream last night? Weird

7. Your favorite drink? Banana smoothie

8. Your dream/goal? To have a baby

9. What room are you in? Living room

10. Your hobby? Yoga

11. Your fear? Never having children

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Happy with kids

13. Where were you last night? At work :(

14. Something that you aren't? A giraffe

15. Muffins? Can't find them here!

16. Wish list item? Err... baby... duh!

17. Where did you grow up? Hong Kong

18. Last thing you did? Talked on the phone 

19. What are you wearing? A dress

20. Your TV? On

21. Your pets? Cats

22. Friends? Important

23. Your life? Hard to say

24. Your mood? Swings

25. Missing someone? Yes

26. Vehicle? Honda

27. Something you’re not wearing? A bra

28. Your favorite store? Accessorize

29. Your favorite color? Blue

30. When was the last time you laughed? Today

31. Last time you cried? Today

32. Your best friend? Not here

33. One place that I go to over and over? Beldi CC

34. One person who emails me regularly? My boss!

35. Favorite place to eat? World Food Cafe

I nominate the following blogs for this award:

IF Optimist,

Circus Children

Our Little Tongginator

Banking On It

Maybe Baby 

Late for a Very Important Pregnancy

Enjoy ladies! You deserve it!

***

Now for the next award:


Here are the rules:

1-Thank the person who nominated you for this award.

Thank you Melissa G!

2-Copy the logo and place it on your blog.

Done

3-Link to the person who nominated you for this award.


Melissa G at Banking On It


4-Name 7 things about yourself that people may not know.


1. I am not resting enough during my TWW

2. I have put on a bit of weight this last month

3. This is because I've been eating too much chocolate

4. This is because a friend from the Czech Republic came to visit bearing many gifts of chocolate

5. I am doing ashtanga yoga three times a week

6. I am hoping this helps with getting rid of the extra weight

7. I want to start another chocolate embargo but so far it's been unsuccessful!


5-Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers.

6-Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.


Life & Love in the Petri Dish, 

Fertility Chick, 

Baby OCD, 

Wishing4One, 

FET Accompli, 

Sell Crazy Someplace Else 

We Are What We Repeatedly Do 


7-Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they’ve been nominated.

Will do!

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