A HypnoBirthing story for a 2nd birth

A 2nd birth using HypnoBirthing

This was shared by a fellow HypnoBirthing practitioner. I love that she wasn't committed to having a natural birth (even during her birth experience)and proceeded to labor easily & comfortably until she got to 9 3/4 cm!

This is a birth story from a friend of mine who did the HypnoBirthing class with me. It's her second baby. I think it's one of my favorite stories so far. Enjoy.
Marie Berwald up in Saskatchewan

Lucas's birth

On Thursday April 2nd my mum arrived in Regina to be here for me and to take care of my 2 year old son Michael while I had the baby. That day I also had a doctor's appointment. When the doctor checked me I was 3 cm dilated. The next day I can´t fully explain it, but I felt "different". I felt a little crampy and hoped it was a sign that baby was on the way. That evening my husband and I had planned to go to a movie, but when the lines were too long we decided to go shopping for some last minute baby supplies instead. Although I wasn´t in labour, I insisted that evening that we pack my bag. I felt the need to ensure everything was ready before going to sleep.

Throughout that night I kept waking up to go to the bathroom. I couldn´t tell for sure what was waking me up, but I remember feeling tired and frustrated that I wasn´t sleeping properly. At 4:28 am I woke up with what I knew was a definite contraction. It was more than just a cramp and it lasted long enough to wake me up. I decided to take note of the time just in case this was the real thing. A few minutes later, I had another contraction so I thought I would time them. They were about 5 minutes apart. I also remember reminding myself to use the breathing techniques. Although the contractions were not extremely intense, I found it helped to use the surge slow breathing to remain fully relaxed. I practiced keeping every muscle in my body as relaxed as possible and made an effort to pay attention to filling my tummy like a balloon. I was amazed at how much it helped and it almost became a game to try to breathe as deeply as possible. This focus helped me to relax.

Now, although I had started the breathing techniques learned in class, I started to re-think HypnoBirthing. I remember lying in my bed feeling very tired and lazy. With my first son I had been quite happy with my epidural, so I really wasn´t sure whether or not I was going to commit to the HypnoBirthing. When I joined the HypnoBirthing class, I was not convinced that I would ever have a drug-free labour. I was intrigued with the thought of HypnoBirthing but decided that I would have to play it by ear.

So, at 4:30 in the morning, the thought of staying focused and being strong seemed unlikely. I decided right then that I would probably get an epidural and that there is no shame in that! I told myself to play it by ear and when I needed an epidural I would get one. However, at this point, the breathing was doing the trick so I didn´t need to think about the drugs yet. At 5:00, I decided to wake up my husband, Paul because I wasn´t sleeping and I wanted someone to talk to. I was also a little excited to tell him that it might be the day. I really wanted to have a bath but decided I would have to wait because I didn´t want to wake my son.

At 5:30, Paul was feeling a little anxious, so he got out of bed and got dressed. A few minutes later, my son also woke up so I decided it was time for my bath. While I was in the bath, Paul went downstairs to let my mum know that I thought labour might be starting but not to get too excited yet. Michael wanted to help out too so he poured water over my belly. He was so excited to be involved.

At about 7:00, I decided to get dressed because I wanted to go downstairs for breakfast and to hang out with my mum and husband. I was feeling really good and didn´t want to be in my bedroom or bathroom anymore. I also wanted to be ready to leave just in case I suddenly decided it was time to go to the hospital. I had a wonderful morning with my husband, son and mum. I sat on the couch, talked to my mum and Paul, cuddled with Michael, ate my breakfast, drank my tea, chatted with friends on the computer and phone, and relaxed while my husband read my novel to me. I continued to breathe through each contraction but remained completely relaxed. My son had no idea anything was going on even though he was cuddled right into me for a lot of the morning. At times, I questioned whether or not this was really labour. My husband even thought it was funny to watch me during contractions because I would stop mid-sentence, close my eyes, breathe deeply and then just open my eyes and finish the sentence. He actually took a picture of me so that I could see just how relaxed I looked. He commented that it looked like I was falling asleep every 5 minutes or so.

I started to think that maybe this wasn´t labour and that baby wouldn´t make an appearance that day. I was even thinking that I should take my son to his friend´s birthday party at 2:00. I couldn´t imagine that I could feel so great and really be in active labour. I continued to enjoy my day and took advantage of the time spent with my family. When I started to feel tired, I lay down on the couch while Paul read "Twilight" to me. This kept me very relaxed and gave me something to focus on during and between contractions.

At about 1:00, I started to feel a bit different. My contractions became more intense and longer. I had to make a greater effort to keep my muscles relaxed during and immediately following each one. I found that if I pictured my uterus like a balloon being filled with air I could keep my muscles relaxed. Expanding my tummy as much as possible with each breath helped tremendously and listening to Paul read to me helped to keep me comfortable. At 1:30, I told Paul that I wasn´t quite ready to leave yet but that I wanted him to get everything ready. I asked him to put my bags in the van and to slowly get himself ready to go. By 2:30, we were both ready to walk out the door. Although I still wasn´t convinced that the hospital would keep me, I really wanted to get there so that I could relax in their tub. On the way there, I realized that my contractions were becoming more frequent, but I still didn´t think they were intense enough for this to be the real thing. I started to think about what I would tell the nurses so that they wouldn´t send me home. I told my husband that I might have to exaggerate so that they would let me stay.

While I was sitting at the admitting desk in emergency, my contractions were coming frequently. I had at least 5 by the time they brought me a wheel chair and another 3 or 4 on my way upstairs. Once in triage, I had 2 or 3 more contractions in the bathroom. I wasn´t sure how long I would be at the hospital before baby was born, but I realized that they would likely believe that I was in active labour. I do remember thinking that I´m not in enough pain. They might tell me that the contractions aren´t strong enough. I can´t help but laugh at myself when I think back.

When talking to the nurses I was very impressed with their reaction to HypnoBirthing. They all took note of the fact that my doctor had written it on my form and told me that they would respect my plan. Of course, I was still doubting the drug-free labour so I felt the need to tell them that I might still ask for an epidural. When the house doctor finally checked me, we were all a little surprised to find out that I was at 6 cm. I had been so sure that it couldn´t be active labour. They took me straight to my room and called my doctor. When the house doctor came back, I was very impressed when she told me that my doctor had informed her that it was my intention to do HypnoBirthing and asked her not to offer me any drugs and not to make reference to pain. Although I was sitting on the fence about drugs, I was very happy with my doctor´s awareness.

Looking back now, this is when I would have needed to get an epidural if that´s what I really wanted. Instead I asked for a bath. I was feeling pretty good and really just wanted to soak in the tub. While in the tub, Paul continued to read more of my book. At about 4:30, I asked him to stop. I could no longer focus on what he was saying and just wanted to "sleep". I closed my eyes and found that spraying water on my belly helped keep my muscles relaxed. If I kept my muscles from tensing up, I was able to remain quite comfortable. At 4:45, I remembered the epidural. I decided it was time for the drugs!!! I asked Paul to go tell the nurse that I wanted an epidural. She said that she would check me and we would talk about it. On my way back to my room, I had a feeling that labour had progressed a lot and that the baby was on the way. But, I had by this point convinced myself that I NEEDED drugs, even though the actual labour wasn´t unbearable. I had convinced myself that I needed the drugs and that I could not go on without them. Sure enough, when the nurse checked me at 5pm, I was 9 and ¾ cm dilated.

This is when I panicked. I couldn´t believe that I had come this far without even realizing it. I couldn´t help but wonder why I had done this to myself. I asked the nurse to give me whatever she had. I just hadn´t come to terms with the fact that I was going to actually have this baby without drugs. Luckily the nurse was fantastic. When I asked her what I should do, she said, "I think you should push when you´re ready". She just said that I had done really well so far and that I would have my baby in 15 minutes. She didn´t rush me. She just let me know that whenever I was ready, I could push. She told me that the doctor was on the way and that I would be holding my baby soon. And I realize now that Marie wasn´t kidding in class when she told us that it´s sometimes normal for the "fight or flight" instinct to kick in right at the end of labour. It kicked in and I had a 10 minute panic attack. I didn´t know how the baby was going to get out, but I was not prepared to do it and I would not listen to anyone when they tried to tell me otherwise. Amazingly, my moment of panic passed and I managed to calm down and regain my confidence. I even started to tease my husband about how easy this labour had been for him. However, I didn´t start pushing on my own. I just tried to stay calm and my body took over.

And when my son was born I was in awe of the whole experience...amazing! I remember saying over and over, "I did it...wow! "I was so happy with the whole experience. It was all so much better than I could ever have imagined! The house doctor even came back to see me and tell me what a great job I had done. She said that having seen my experience with HypnoBirthing, she´s even thinking that she should consider it for her next child. And my doctor said that he hopes he can deliver our next baby because he really enjoyed the positive atmosphere. It was a wonderful, empowering experience and I am still in awe.

Lucas Edward O. was born on April 4th at 5:28pm at 7lbs 13oz. We were both very healthy and able to go home the next day. Michael didn´t even notice I had left. What a perfect way for our little Lucas to come into our world!!!

Jen O.

Thanks for sharing this inspiring story, Marie & Jen!

http://www.awelllivedlife.net/
http://www.awelllivedlife.blogspot.com/

The Mad IFers Tea Party

Welcome to the Mad IFers Tea Party! A place to numb the baby blues with every sip and forget the impending arrival of AF with each bite. So if you have ever felt like you are disappearing down the TTC rabbit hole, come and join the Mad IFers tea party. What can I serve you?

Verbena leaf tea perhaps? Perfect for lifting the spirits when the endless TTC wait gets you down.

Or maybe a sweet mint & licorice herbal tea? Good for soothing a broken heart and a troubled mind. Or would you prefer a cup of Indian Spice tea to put that zing back in your TTCing?

Or what about a warm cup of love? A blend of rose, chamomile and lavender perfect for taking away the baby blues and making you feel warm and calm inside.

But since we're in Morocco, no tea party would be complete without sweet delicious Moroccan mint tea. Shall I pour you a glass?

And of course no tea party should just be about tea. Chocolate, cakes and pastries play an important part. And coincidentally they also play an important part in getting through the TTC blues, don't you find?

And these are particularly good at getting me through the dark times. Check out these delicious handmade chocolates, which came all the way from Provence. They are completely dairy-free, have a hint of hazelnut and are dipped in a delicious creamy meringue. Mmmm... TTC what now?

They go perfectly with a cup of herbal tea. Pure indulgence.

 

But perhaps you would prefer a Moroccan pastry instead? 

Now let me pour you a cup of your chosen tea. And hand you a plate of tasty treats. And introduce you to the other mad IFers at the tea party....

Wiseguy is sipping on a lemon burst tea, but what will she have to nibble on I wonder? MelissaP05 likes her English breakfast tea sweet, just like her. Oh, and so does Jendeis! She brought cookies to the party and has posted the recipe on her blog too! Melissa G wants a soothing chamomile to take away the TTC frustration. And Wishing 4 One is enjoying a peach-passion black tea in a very dainty bone-china cup. Triumph is feeling a little anxious and is sure a cup of chamomile will do the trick. And maybe even a tasty treat or two? Yes, indeedy. And picking up a sweet marzipan treat over there is FET Accompli, let me pour you a glass of Moroccan mint tea to go with that. And here's one for you too, IF Optimist oh and a sweet sesame snack. IF Optimist is very happy to be here drinking tea with us all. Did you know she and her husband just celebrated their 2 year wedding anniversary? Congratulations! Wiseguy has just picked up a Moroccan pastry, she couldn't resist it! Eileen needs a big cup of mint and licorice to soothe her broken heart after her recent loss - she even brought her own special mug to have it in! Kait has just dropped by for a glass of mint tea and some of the delicious hazelnut chocolates from Provence. And she is already eyeing up a cup of hot love..... well who wouldn't? And MelissaP05 wants something of the medicinal variety to give her tea a little kick - it's been one of those days. Run over to MelissaP05 and give her a hug..... Adding to the pack fancies something a little stronger too, and since it's a tea party, why not a long island ice tea? Tiregal68 can't wait to join us all for a chat so let me get her a soothing cup of rooibos and rich tea biscuit, while she gets comfortable. Pie needs a cup of mint tea and a few Moroccan pastries as she prepares for ET. And Hope Springs is going the traditional English route with some Earl Grey Tea, a scone, jam and some clotted cream... hmm, I might even join her! Irrational Exuberance (don't you just love her name?) also wants some English tea with a spot of honey and a Moroccan pastry or two... go ahead, please help yourself. And when you're done please pass the plate to iamstacey, who would also like a cup of hot cinnamon tea to while away her TTC woes. Gracie in Brooklyn wants to practice her Arabic and ask for 'wahad atay nana' (mint tea) and is also eyeing up those tasty Moroccan pastries. And lastly Mad Hatter has arrived! She is late, very late, but better late than never! And she has told me, in all her haste, that she needs a hot cup of hot love with four lumps of estrogen - hoping that the blood test goes well tomorrow!

Thank you for coming to the tea party! Let's do it again soon!

Preparations

Get ready for the Mad IFers Tea Party! A tea party to while away our infertility woes, our TTC wonderings and, of course, our baby madness with plenty of flavourful teas, cakes, pastries and sweets. So tomorrow please pick up a cup and a plate and come join me!

But how do I that, I hear you say, without hopping on a plane to Marrakech? Well, simply leave a comment on the upcoming Mad IFers Tea Party post telling me which tea you would like to try and whether or not you're feeling a little peckish. I will then edit my post and link back to your blog with your chosen cup of tea and tasty bites! If you'd like to bring something special of your own to the party, then post it up on your blog and leave me a comment with the link. I will then link back to you in the Mad Ifers Tea Party post so we can all join in the party!

I hope to see you tomorrow at the Mad IFers Tea Party... starting late and going on to the next day... 'Cos that's how we rock the tea party!

No Baby at 29

The bitch is here. AF arrived just as I was starting to have hope. It certainly has an uncanny sense of timing. But at least I didn't POAS this month. I managed to hold off and have some self-control! But. This cycle was my last chance for a baby before I was thirty. I now have to try and learn to accept that I will not be the young twenty-something mother I wanted to be.

 

I had always planned to have had at least one child before I turned thirty but that is never going to happen now. And it's a hard fact to swallow. I guess it's just another sad milestone on this journey, one I will eventually learn to accept and to live with. It's not like I have any other choice. And it has depressed me. A lot. I never thought I'd be here. I never thought that with all my planning, all my TTC calculations - that I'd actually be in this position. 

And so the goalposts shift. As they so frequently do in this TTC game. A baby before Xmas 2010? A baby before I turn 31? I'm almost too afraid to ask.

Blast Off?

3-2-1-0! So the countdown is over. We made it through the 74 days. Mr. T could do a test anytime soon. But. Where is Mr.T? Oh yeah he went away on a work trip this week. So no testing until he comes back. As you can imagine, I'm waiting for this SA like I have ants in my pants. Hurry up and get it done will ya?

But I know I have to prepare myself for another 3 month wait. I also have to prepare myself for either bad or inconclusive results. The varicocele embolization doesn't guarantee anything. But there is certainly a lot riding on it. The hopes of a wannabe mummy and daddy for a start - and their sanity.

In fact I'm in that limbo phase of the month when you're sanity gets put to the test in the most unfair way. The time when you're waiting for AF to arrive, but it just hasn't quite yet. And. You're not quite late yet but just teetering on the edge. In reality you should give it a few more days to make it's unwelcome arrival, but your hopes begin to steadily grow despite your better judgement. I have, however, been carrying around my pack of always in anticipation of the bitch's arrival. She never fails to ruin a perfectly good day, or perfectly good pair of panties, for that matter. So at least I can pretend that this makes me a realist. What is the IF mantra again? Oh yeah, hope for the best, prepare for the worst - definitely getting better at this as time goes by.

I've been very bad at commenting this ICLW, mainly because I've been looking after a 5 year old girl, who is so super duper adorable, but there has just been no internet time in between games, meals, bathtimes, hairbrushing, teethbrushing and storytimes, phew. Exhausting but very very fun. It has reminded me why I put myself and Mr. T through all the craziness every month. So from Monday I will play ICLW commenting catch-up even after it's all over. So apologies if I haven't returned a comment or commented on a new post of one of my beloved regular bloggers. It will happen. Bear with me.

Also thank you for your well wishes. I am feeling much better, just in need of a bit more sleep! I have had such a fun weekend so far. Yesterday was spent colouring and painting, baking choc chip cookies, swimming and playing cards by the pool, chatting with girlfriends over green tea and freshly baked choc chip cookies and then heading into town for a lovely early dinner at one of my favourite restaurants with three kids, including a 4 month old baby. Yes I held him. Yes it felt good. No I did not feel sad or jealousy or any negative emotions. It simply felt good and natural. Hmm.. I must be getting better at all this.

I have to say putting a child to bed is probably one of the best feelings in the world. The routine is so calming. The teeth and hair brushing, getting the pyjamas on, choosing which toy to cuddle, choosing which story to read. Then the story begins Once upon a time.... It takes you on a magic ride, full of beautiful illustrations and then The End followed by goodnight kisses, the lights going off, with the door just left ajar with enough light coming in. What a feeling of peace and accomplishment! So I am feeling very chilled right now, despite the impending arrival of AF and the all important SA that's yet to be performed (?). The question is will we get our blast off, or will it be, Houston, we have another problem?

Bits and Pieces

Thank you so much for your comments of support confirming that I am not alone in this IF craziness. You all get it! I am so glad I'm not the only woman who hides from pregnant ladies! So yes, I managed to get through their stay without seeing anyone! It was all done by careful planning with lots of collaboration between me and Mr. T. I think we get 10 out of 10 for teamwork on that one!

But. I'm actually writing this post from my sick bed. I got a tummy bug last night, with huge waves of nausea, back ache and shivers that had me curled around a hot water bottle all night. Plus a large bucket positioned strategically next to the bed. You get the picture. I've slept most of the day and am starting to feel a bit better, just very weak. Mr. T started off trying to convince me that my nausea could be a good thing, a very good thing, but I knew better. This is a bug, I feel like crap, I told him. After I woke him up a number of times in the night to fill up the hot water bottle, or to bring me more OJ, I think he stopped with that positive thinking crap. Oh yeah the 2WW is nearly up and I'm having none of the maybe, just maybe thoughts. I expect AF. I've even got my pads ready and waiting which I usually never do - I'm usually caught out as I hope and hope. Not this time!

This bug couldn't have come at a worse time. Tomorrow one of my best friends, who I haven't seen for a year, is arriving. I want to be on top form, so we can catch up and talk until the wee hours of the morning and generally have fun! And I am also looking after a friend's little girl for a few days. She is so adorable and I can't wait to spend time with her. She is a very easy child to be around, charming and loads of fun. I had planned a very girly weekend. Just the three of us - baking, painting, playing games, swimming and watching X factor - apparently she is a huge fan! So come on immune system make me better! This is going to be a good weekend! I also want to have my mad IFers tea party before the end of the month - I just don't think I could keep down much tea and cakes right now.

In Hiding

Wanna hear a crazy story? If you're also going through IF then I'm sure you have a few of your own. But here is one of mine that I'm living right now. I am still at work. I don't have to be. I could go home and relax. Have a bath. Kick my feet up on the sofa and watch some TV. But I choose to sit behind my computer at work. Faking that I have a long night ahead of me. Why, you may ask, would anyone do that to themselves? Well it's because I can't go home. In fact I really couldn't do any of those things that I want to do. I am actually hiding from a pregnant lady. 

Last night my husband's uncle called to say they were coming down to stay with us. This is a typically-Moroccan thing. No asking if it's okay. No calling well ahead of time, in fact you should consider yourself lucky if you even get a call. And it's never just one person but the entire clan, with loads of children of varying ages in tow. Right now it's a very crazy time for Mr.T and I with work. We are both working really hard. We don't have help in the home, except for a cleaner twice a week - which with two of us working full-time is necessary if we don't want weird flora and fauna taking up residence. So having a family clan to stay during the working week is stressful. But this time there was an added edge to it. 

Mr. T's 38 year old Aunt is pregnant. 7 months pregnant to be exact. They already have two kids, 10 and 7 years old. And they decided they wanted to add another this year. It seemed as though as soon as they decided to have another baby she was pregnant. I just know I can't be around her. Around the family, as they chat about the baby, and her belly just there round and growing. I couldn't stand the situation, I couldn't cope with it being in my face. They with the family of 3, the uber fertile older couple. And us, the newlyweds, or not-so newlywed anymore, with nothing to show for our efforts. The young, infertile couple.

So I chose to stay at work. And catch up with everything that's been piling up and get on with all those jobs you put off for weeks and weeks, okay months. Oh and of course write on my blog and do my commenting for ICLW! That should keep me hidden away until it's safe enough to venture home and slip into my bedroom unnoticed..... Am I pathetic? Or would you do the same?

Eid Mubarak!

Today was the last day of fasting for ramadan. And everyone here is in a joyful mood as they prepare to celebrate Eid. Two days of family, food and fun. Ramadan is a special time but a whole month is very testing. So it will definitely be nice to get back to a normal routine. And I can finally organize the mad IFers tea party! Watch this space! But until then Eid Mubarak! Happy Eid!

A Brand New Day

Push back the curtains.  Let the sunshine pour in. Open the windows. Let the air in. Sweep away the cobwebs. Take a deep breath. It's a brand new day. 

I woke up this morning with a feeling of lightness. I saw it was a beautiful blue-sky day. I decided that this would be a good day. This would be a day of deep breaths. Of smiles. Of laughter. Of appreciation. 

Goodbye blues. Goodbye tears. I won't be seeing you. At least for today. Today is a brand new day. Embrace it.

You have a choice

The link to the video below is called "You Have a Choice". I think most women that are pregnant don't know they have choices or are too freaked out about the pain of birth to even consider that they have choices...they just want an epidural & want labor to be over. They don't know that birth can be a wonderful, sometimes even enjoyable experience & that it can be the most empowering experience of a woman's life.

While the focus of this video is encouraging people to be open to a birth center or home birth, most of my HypnoBirthing couples are birthing in a hospital. I believe that the education HypnoBirthing couples receive empowers them to go into the hospital so that they can have the birth experience they want. They must choose the right care provider (OB/GYN or midwife), the right hospital, the right support people (just your partner or hiring a doula) & ensure that they ask the right questions every step of the way---from making sure the nurse assigned to their case is supportive of natural birth, to asking if they can have 10 minutes to discuss things whenever an intervention is suggested to figure out if it is being suggested because of a true medical situation or just because labor isn't happening the way the hospital staff are used to, to making sure they have a birth plan (& discuss it with their care provider well before their birth) & discuss it with their nurse while in the hospital, & so much more.

Some people just feel more comfortable & safe being in a medical setting, so if that is their choice, then I think it is their responsibility to ensure they maintain control of their birth & their birthing environment as long as the mom & baby are healthy. It's better to be a good parent than a good patient...know that there is always a choice. The choices you make now, while you're pregnant, help to make you a better parent. Instead of blindly trusting your medical care provider & the hospital, educate & empower yourselves as parents now to ensure that you have a positive birth experience rather than give your power away & become an observer to one of the most important experiences of your life.

Here's the link to the video: http://www.vimeo.com/6344770

From the video description: The video consists of a synopsis of a typical birth by a registered nurse in a labor & delivery unit of at a local hospital, followed by individuals and couples sharing their birth experiences.
The focus of this documentary is to show people that they have a choice in their birth, rather than just trusting "professionals" to take care of everything for them. You can educate yourself and have an amazing experience in your birth rather than just a "medical procedure."

I encourage people to share this blog post with their pregnant friends...sometimes all someone needs is a little information to open their minds to the fact that there are other options. Once people understand that birth doesn't have to be a horrific, painful experience & that a woman's body is made to give birth naturally & normally, they can move forward & take back control of their birth experience. I was reminded of this in the HypnoBirthing class series I just started teaching last night. A mom in the class had always thought she wanted to get an epidural as soon as she got to the hospital. But then she watch The Business of Being Born & it opened her & her husband's eyes to the fact that birth is a money-making industry & that getting an epidural right away wasn't really what she wanted for her birth experience. She found HypnoBirthing & is now confident in her body's natural ability to birth her baby.

Please visit www.HypnoBirthing.com to find a practitioner near you or to just learn more about how HypnoBirthing can help you & your partner have a calmer, more comfortable, empowered birth.

Remember, you always have a choice...even if you feel like there are no choices. Not choosing to make a choice IS making a choice.

www.AWellLivedLife.Net
www.AWellLivedLife.blogspot.com

Baby Blues

First off please stop by and give a big blog hug to Eileen from We Got Hitched. She just lost her baby at 8 weeks. It's her third loss in a year. I am absolutely heart-broken for her. I burst into tears when I read her post and I am so angry at the universe right now for letting it be so. But anger is not helpful. So I'll light a candle and say a prayer.

Baby blues. Obviously not the post-partum kind of blues. I mean this is an infertility blog after all, one needs to have a baby before you can have those kind of blues. I'm talking about the no-baby-yet-blues. Where your heart aches, your stomach knots, and you feel like it just ain't gonna happen. And these baby blues seem to be contagious. It seems like every blog I visit is going through the same frustration and anger, feeling like the weight of another failed cycle is starting to crush our hope, our stamina, our determination to make this happen. But that's just it! I feel freakin' powerless. I feel like none of this is in my hands. I just have to sit back and wait. And I'm frickin' tired of waiting!!!! In fact I am going to rip out the word 'wait' from every dictionary I find and burn it!!

In case you were wondering this is an unfertilized egg. Just sitting and w--.... hold on I just ripped this word out the dictionary and burned it.

The no-baby-yet-blues. Tired of constantly wanting. Tired of never being satisfied with the life I lead. Tired of the emptiness. Tired of not being grateful for the many blessings I already have. Tired of wanting something I may never have. I read other blogs in the IF community and see people who have been trying for two, five, sometimes nearly ten years, to have a child. This all seems inconceivable to me (no intended word play). Really, how long are we supposed to w---? Months, a year, now 18 months for me, is hard enough, but year-after-year of the same bullshit? How are you meant to get through it? I'm already slowly losing my mind as we start approaching the 2 year mark. Someone once wrote 'IF sucks, but my life doesn't have to'. Except while my life doesn't suck, I think that it does. And my heart certainly thinks so. I feel like I'm always trying to trick my heart into believing it's happy, that it does not want for anything, that life is good. But my heart is no fool.

So Internet, I'm turning to you for help. How do you cure the no-baby-yet-blues? Aside from having a baby, that is. And if they are incurable, as I suspect they are, how do you learn to live with them? How do you wake up every morning and put one foot in front of the other without falling down?

Down The Rabbit Hole

Apologies for my long blogging break. It was the longest blogging break I've taken. Nearly a week! I just couldn't get myself down to it. I thought about writing but the truth is I just didn't want to. It was a weird week. Not a sad one. Just weird. Full of ups and downs. There were tears and bouts of depression. There was also laughter and fun and S-E-X (I was ovulating after all, which is about the only time we actually do have sex, and if you're not ovulating then why bother? Oh so sad what TTC does to us). There was also lots and lots of work and social commitments that just left me exhausted. I had no desire to write or to read. The whirl of life, TTC and IF depression had me truly tumbling down the rabbit hole.  

I have given up hope on a natural pregnancy for a while. I have to accept that it will be at least another 3 months before any real change will be seen. And so this is a strange 2ww for me. As I don't really feel there's much to wait for. Except for the always punctual Aunt Flo of course. Mr. T will go for a SA in about 2 weeks as well, but we know not to expect anything yet. But of course I do, I have lots of irrational hopes and dreams. Case in point: When I lie in bed, or stare at the computer, even when I'm walking down the street, this image pops in my mind and it is so strong and so real. I am lying on the chair, wearing the mandatory green backless robe, with my feet in stirrups, as Dr.B fiddles around with the oh-so-fun vag-cam. And then Dr. B points to the screen to a barely distinguishable little bean and says "there is your baby". Mr. T and I, clasping hands, stare at the screen in disbelief and joy, we both start to cry. And then I snap out of the dream as I feel the wetness of real tears on my face. And I tumble further down the rabbit hole.

This daydream has occurred at least three times this week. I've also held a few babies this week. I wanted to. I reached out. It. felt. so. good. I imagined what it would be like to hold my own. But I also felt that I could fall completely head over heels for the baby I was holding. It didn't matter that it wasn't mine biologically. I realized that adopting a child would bring me much happiness too. I really just want to be a mother. And so the tears fall. Because this desire is so all consuming you cannot tell your heart to wait. Falling, falling down this rabbit hole. Perhaps soon I will have my own mad hatters' tea party. Or maybe that should be mad IFers tea party? Anyone feel like joining?

Courtney & Evandro's HypnoBirthing story

Here's another HypnoBirthing story from one of my past couples--Courtney & Evandro, who took my Tuesday/April 2009 class. It was their 1st birth & they had Dr. Biter as their OB.

Kaian Marley turned three months old last Saturday, but better late than never! Your classes helped us complete our pregnancy and to experience labor with nothing but the most positive and loving outlook. I don't know how much of it was the natural birth or our attachment parenting philosophy or if we just got lucky - but he is the sweetest, mellowest baby and has been since day 1. From birth, family and friends keep commenting at how peaceful and alert he is. I also wanted to share that while I maintained mostly a positive and focused state of mind during my labor, I was not without my doubts. I felt much less relaxed on my inside than I looked and felt on the outside. So much was going on inside me during the laboring process - chatter in my head, the intensity in my abdomen, struggling to maintain focus, the constant need to overcome my instincts to resist the surges instead of give into them... I kept wondering if I was doing it correctly. But after hearing the awe and amazement from my family who witnessed it first hand, and seeing how calm I looked on the video, I felt much more confident about the entire experience. I think that having doubts - even when things are going perfectly according to plan - is normal. There is no way to completely control everything... it is more how we control ourselves during the process.

I now know why you are so passionate about taking control of your pregnancy and birth, and in demanding nothing but the best for your family. Your class was the best pregnancy decision we made and I try to share my knowledge and experiences with everyone I can. It makes me so sad to think about all the women out there who have a negative experience just because they don't know there's an alternative. I am a firm believer in HypnoBirthing!

Thank you for teaching us how to have this amazing experience!!!

Cheers!

Courtney

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On Thursday night, May 28, my sister-in-law, Karna, and I were discussing my pregnancy and wondering when Kaian would make his appearance. We decided to make a baby pool and ask everyone in the family for their bids. My estimated due date was June 8, still 11 days away at that point. I have always had a strong feeling he would be making an early appearance so I chose June 1. Evandro chose June 5.

Somewhere during the conversation Karna asked if I was born early. I was, and thought it was about 10 days. Karna laughed and said if Kaian followed suit then I will be giving birth tomorrow. Little did we know...

I woke up several times that night having to pee. Although that was normal, something felt different. I was sleeping lighter and the practice contractions I had been having for weeks were especially pronounced. No pain or pressure at all, just a lot of tightening (where my belly got rock hard) and they were coming and going pretty frequently and lasting for a minute or so each. That had happened a few other times in the weeks before so I tried not to think anything of it - just tried to stay in the moment as much as I could. But I had a deep rooted feeling that it "was time."

At 6am I got up yet again and felt something like light gas pains. But after sitting in the bathroom for a bit nothing was happening so I got up and just stood in the middle of the bedroom trying to decide if it could possibly be labor. Evandro woke up and saw me standing there and asked "What is it, Amor?" I said (half-jokingly), "either I have to go poo or I'm about to have a baby." He told me to go back to the bathroom, but after a few minutes I came back and said I couldn't go. I told him my belly was hardening very frequently but still didn't feel any pressure. He smiled and got out his watch to time them just in case. They were very sporadic - sometimes coming every minute or two and sometimes taking several minutes in between. But I basically felt nothing other than the hardening.

Around 8 am, the pressure started and at that point I knew my instincts were correct. I was beginning to labor and Kaian was going to be born today. I soon started feeling extremely nauseous and went to the bathroom and threw up. Not long after that I emptied the other end as well. My body was cleaning itself out to get ready for giving birth. Evandro called Dr. Biter's office and Dr. Biter called back a few minutes later and asked how far apart the contractions were. We told him it ranged from 2-6 minutes. He asked if I could still talk through them and I said yes. He told me since I was not having an epidural to relax and stay home as long as possible and to keep him posted as the contractions got more regular. He suggested I take a bath or go for a walk.

From there the surges very quickly became stronger, felt especially in my lower back. Evandro asked if I was having any pain. I said not really pain, just a lot of pressure. They were lasting anywhere from 45 seconds to over a minute each. He ran a bath for me and brought in candles and put on the Rainbow Relaxation CD. Now our bathtub is one of those small, standard sized ones - so I had to stay semi-reclining and could not get my whole body in the water. I thought about that movie Knocked Up, where she labored in this beautiful, luxurious bubble bath. My bath was NOTHING like that. I think I lasted maybe 10 minutes in there before getting out.
I then went to the couch and sat in child's pose. I used my deep yoga breathing during the surges, which were growing increasingly stronger. They felt like a tightening with some pressure in my lower abdomen and far more intense pressure in my lower back, like a burning sensation. I was growing more and more uncomfortable, so I started getting up to walk in circles around the house during the surges. Some of the surges were light enough to remain in child's pose, but I kept having to get up and walk for the stronger ones since walking helped relieve the pressure. I kept thinking about marathon runners and how at some point during the marathon they probably wanted to quit - but pushed through it one step at a time. As I walked I pretended I was running a marathon, which helped keep me focused and motivated.

Around 9am, I said wanted to leave for the hospital. Evandro called Dr. Biter's office again and this time Dr. Capetanakis called back. He said we shouldn't go to the hospital too early and that we could come to the office to get checked out first if we wanted. After about 10 minutes of thinking it over I told Evandro I wanted to go to the hospital instead. It was all I could think about, and I wanted to get there so that I could relax and focus instead of being preoccupied about when to leave for the hospital. The 15-20 minute car ride was tougher because it was hard to relax and get comfortable. The surges seemed way more intense and I had to brace myself for a few of them.

When we got to Scripps Encinitas just after 10am, my cousin Erin met us out front and helped me go check in while Evandro parked the car. The lady who checked us in said they never received my pre-registration paperwork but luckily I brought a copy with me and handed it to her. Erin talked for me and explained I was doing HypnoBirthing. A nurse named Carolyn came over and said she would get me to my labor room. I silently followed and immediately got into the bed. The whole time I could only focus on my deep, slow breathing and getting through each surge.

After checking my blood pressure, Carolyn said she needed to get a baseline reading and put the monitor on my belly. She checked me and I was 5-6cm. She only kept the monitor on for a short time and then took it off and said I could walk around if I wanted. I got up to use the bathroom and felt like I was going to throw up again so I immediately got back in bed.
My dad, stepdad and grandma showed up at some point. All along I thought I wouldn't want anyone in the room with me but at that point I could have cared less who was in the room as long as they were quiet. They knew we were practicing HypnoBirthing and knew to be quiet and let me focus.

Later on Carolyn put the monitor back on to get another reading. I heard my dad whisper to Erin that the top reading was the baby's heartbeat and the bottom one showed my contractions. He said "See she's having another one, but she's so quiet you wouldn't know it. She didn't even move." I was curious and looked up to see the monitor. I could see the reading move up and down with each surge. They were still getting stronger and the monitor gave me something to focus on. I watched them go up and could see when they peaked. Being a visual person, it helped me along for a while.

Evandro massaged my legs for a bit and kept asking if I needed anything, like my birthing ball. I said no. I felt so nauseous every time I stood up that I stayed in the bed. Sometimes reclining back or on my side, other times in child's pose or squatting against the head rest. A short while later the monitor became too much - I didn't want anything touching me - so I pulled it off and handed it to Evandro. He asked if I wanted anything to eat and I said no - I was too nauseous so I just drank water.

Soon I felt something warm and saw that my mucous plug come out. I knew we were close. The surges were getting so strong that I was moaning through some of them. Carolyn came over, stroked my head and told me to surrender to the surges. She and Evandro both kept telling me that I was doing great. I could feel each surge rise up my uterus, getting tighter and tighter... and then finally peaking before releasing back down. The peak told me it was subsiding and that I could rest for a moment. I used a number of the visualizations, including the opening flower and also thought about how native women give birth in the jungle all the time. I figured if they could do it, so could I. I visualized the jungle around me and felt close to nature. The Rainbow Relaxation was on repeat and I focused on the words. I took each surge as it came. Each time I thought "I can get through one more," and tried to forget that there would be more to follow. As long as I stayed in the moment, I could do this. I kept feeling my baby Kaian, talking to him in my head and told him to come when he was ready. I could feel him more than I ever did before.
The nurse checked me again around 1pm and I was 8-9 cm. I knew Kaian was ready and it wouldn't be long. Evandro came over and told me that Dr. Biter was on his way. I started shaking uncontrollably, and remembered Carol's birth stories that she shared in class. She told us this happened to her just before she gave birth. Evandro saw me shaking and asked if I was cold. I wasn't. He told the nurse I was shaking and she said that it was normal - I was going through transition. Hearing this, I focused on the opening flower visualization and told my cervix to open so that Kaian could come out. I was encouraged that I was almost done.

I asked Evandro to get in bed with me. He laid against my back and held me. I said "I can't do this anymore. I need this to be over." He told me it was almost over and that Kaian was coming soon. It felt good to have him there close to me.

Dr. Biter soon arrived. He checked me and said "It's time." The sweetest words. That was exactly what I needed to hear! Evandro told me later that my water released just then and splashed out everywhere. I barely remember that happening.

Dr. Biter told me to wait for the contractions and then to "breathe the baby down." Which sounds so much easier than it is! I was reclining back at first and started pushing. I felt like nothing was happening. Dr. Biter told me to turn around and squat backwards against the back of the bed. I tried that and still felt like nothing was happening. I pushed as hard as I could a few times and Dr. Biter told me I needed to push harder to get the head around my pubic bone. I said "he's stuck!" And Dr. Biter said "he's not stuck, you're doing great. " Dr. Biter told me that the baby was moving downwards but I needed to help him, and that it seemed like I was pushing but then getting scared of the pressure and backing off. I wouldn't say I was scared, but I know I was concerned about tearing. I was getting frustrated in that position so I turned around again to a semi-reclining position on my back. I felt more at ease that way, like I had more control. Evandro kept encouraging me, saying "Nice Amor!" He held one leg and Carolyn held the other. I guess I kept trying to push with my legs so Dr. Biter told me I needed to relax my legs and push the baby down and out. He pushed down on my perineum and said push here, like you're having a bowel movement. I pushed again and still nothing.

Dr. Biter then said "wait for the contractions and push with them." At that moment I finally got it. I was so eager to be done, I realized I was just pushing and was not focusing on what my body was telling me. I stopped, went inside myself to connect with my baby and asked him to guide me. I suddenly realized the surges I was feeling earlier were gone, and was wondering how I would know when I was supposed to push. Then suddenly I felt the urge to bear down. It was totally different than the labor contractions, and much less intense. So I pushed and breathed downwards, and made a grunting noise. Dr. Biter poured on oil and asked Evandro to help him with the perennial massage. Evandro put his fingers in and said "I can feel his ear!" I thought it was so cool that he was able to participate.

After another push, Kaian's head was visible and Dr. Biter told me to reach down and touch my baby. Strangely, I refused. I'm not sure why, but I think I was so focused that I didn't want to be distracted by anything. But I could see his head full of dark hair and felt inspired. I kept talking to my baby in my head and felt him responding, telling me to help him out. He was so close. I closed my eyes and concentrated as hard as I could. As soon as the urge came again, I pushed and breathed and grunted. I felt my perineum stretch and remembered Carol telling us in class that the point of perennial massage isn't so much to stretch, but to get used to the sensation. I was so glad I did it, because that was so true. It was the exact same sensation and I pretended that I was at home doing perennial massage, which helped me stop worrying about tearing. At that moment I finally relaxed enough that the head came out. Dr. Biter said reach down and receive your baby, and as I reached down he pulled out the shoulders and helped hand Kaian to me. It was 1:43pm. He was 7lbs. 4oz and 19" long. No tearing, though I did feel scraped up a bit afterward. I immediately put him to my chest and held him. He cried for a brief moment and stopped as soon as Evandro and I started talking to him.

Carolyn told me that was the first she had seen me smile since I arrived. She said that I was so quiet that she didn't think I spoke English at first. My cousin Erin was the only one who spoke at check-in, and then after hearing Evandro's accent she figured I just didn't speak English. I guess I was pretty zoned out because a lot of the details are blurry. Carolyn then handed me a bunch of registration paperwork to fill out. She said I was "in my zone" when we arrived and so she didn't want to distract me with the paperwork at that time. She also said her sister used HypnoBirthing, which explained why she was so familiar with the techniques and terminology. What an Angel she was! She later came in and borrowed our Rainbow Relaxation CD for her next patient, who forgot hers. It was so nice to see a nurse in a hospital so supportive of HypnoBirthing.

Other nurses came over to meet us and told me they heard about our wonderful birth. No one in my family could believe that I didn't use anything for pain. I was so happy to show them how wonderful a birthing experience could be. My sister in law Veronica had an emergency c-section after being induced and laboring for 20+ hours. She had such a negative experience that she called me to say that after hearing my story she could no longer tell people how horrible giving birth was.

We were at the hospital for about 3.5 hours before Kaian's birth, and my entire labor lasted maybe 6 hours. We checked out about 24 hours later. It went exactly as I planned, as I always visualized it would. Although the surges were intense, I would not classify them as painful. They were also never consistent, so I'm glad I learned to listen to my body to tell me when I was ready. The pushing stage was the hardest for me. No pain, but it took me a few tries to find my rhythm. It was hard work. But in hindsight, the pushing part only lasted about 20 minutes so it went much faster than it seemed. I do know that I probably could not have done this without the HypnoBirthing classes, or without Evandro's unfailing support. There were moments when I understood why women end up asking for an epidural, because it is definitely intense. I reflected about the most difficult thing I had done in my life up until that point - which was a five day, 40 mile backpacking trip through the Sierras along the John Muir trail. I had altitude sickness pretty bad during that trip. I've decided that giving birth is the second hardest thing I've done - my backpacking trip still wins. Although I felt proud of myself after that grueling hike, giving birth - especially natural birth - has a much sweeter reward!

Courtney White Menezes
Partner/Developer
Agua Web Design
www.aguawebdesign.com

Thanks for sharing your story. Continue to enjoy your babymoon!

All my best--Carol

www.AWellLivedLife.Net
www.AWellLivedLife.blogspot.com

Random Picture Post

One of the exercises I get my students to do when we work on developing their vocabulary and fluency is to pick five picture cards at random and then create a story around the five pictures. It is super fun and they love being so creative and making up hilarious and bizarre plots. So today I decided I would do my own blog version, specifically an infertility blog version, of course! I chose five pictures out of my blog folder where I keep all the cool pics I find and haven't used yet. So welcome to my random picture post:

Could this be true? It certainly makes it more achingly painful. I think I would have been excited about being pregnant regardless of whether I had had to wait or not. And as anyone who's been reading this blog for a while will know, I am really really bad at waiting. I don't want to wait the 6 months since the embolization before Mr. T's next semen analysis, despite all the experts telling us there's no point doing it beforehand. Bah! What do they know? It takes 74 days for sperm to be made and we, well he, is doing an SA soon after! I just need to know if things are improving, even if it's at a slow pace, I need to know that too. That's fair enough, I think?

Storm clouds. Ominous. But this is how I picture our journey down this long TTC road. The dark clouds representing the unknown - who am I kidding - the shit storm, we are probably traveling into. Somedays it seems that the embolization will be the answer to our prayers and other days, well, there's probably something else we don't know about yet. Something else that throws a spanner into our fertility works. You relate to that sense of doom too, right?

I love this picture. I guess you're never too old to learn new things. But you can be too old to TTC. Which totally sucks. However I think if I was getting near the age of these ladies in the picture, I should probably call it a day. Hopefully we won't have to wait that long. Sigh.

Eyes on the prize. This is what the craziness is all about. To have that little hand to hold, to squeeze, to kiss, to fall in love with. It seems like a far off dream that we can only wish and pray for. It feels like it will never really happen - life can never be that kind, can it?

But if it ever does. I-F. Fingers crossed. Prayers whispered. I will buy this onesie. I think Mr. T's efforts should be publicly acknowledged and celebrated. Don't you agree?

TTC Math

I've been doing some scary TTC math. I know you may judge me. You will tell me I'm still young. But please don't. It doesn't make it any easier. And I know many who are trying for their miracles are older than me and hearing some nearly 30-something complaining about getting older is probably irritating and I am sorry for that. But it doesn't take away from how I feel. It doesn't stop me feeling that my dreams, the things I planned for, are slipping away.

I wanted to have my first child before I was 30. I mean quite a bit before, like around 27, 28, 29 at the very very latest. Mr. T and I had dreamed (dream?) of having a big family. We wanted to have 4 kids.  I was determined to be a young mother, I wanted to be in the best possible shape and I wanted to avoid any complications because of, what is referred to as, "advanced maternal age". Which if you can believe it, apparently starts at 35. Yes, by 35 you are of "advanced age". How frickin' unfair is that? So I figured if we want to have a big family we should start earlyish. 

But it wasn't only my penchant for planning and determination to be a young mum. It was also because I love being around kids and I wanted them in my life as soon as we were ready. Without them it feels as though a part of me is missing, a part of me that will never be completely whole until I have children in my life. And all this waiting seems to be tearing that hole inside me bigger and bigger, like it's eating me.

I then realized something that took the wind out of me. Unless I get pregnant by October, I won't become a mother before I'm 30. Panic! The realization that that is probably not going to happen hit me like a truck. Until then I had thought that even with our TTTC issues there was still a chance this would happen for us before the big 3-0. But the reality is, that if I do ever get pregnant, then I will be 30+ before I have my first child. Part of me says, just be grateful if you ever get pregnant, even if you're 50. But part of me says, after planning so much, after putting so much effort in to get the timing right, this is a kick in the teeth. Really you have to understand how close to obsessed I was (am?) with planning my pregnancies so that it would all work with age/career/life etc. 

I know this is an insane amount of pressure to put on our baby making efforts right now but.. I can't help this fact, can I? Mr. T keeps telling me that age is just a number, but who are we kidding? It's more than that, especially in the TTC world. I know I can't force this to happen. I have to accept that it's just the way it is. But can someone please tell that to my brain? It keeps doing scary TTC math.

Nocturnal Scrotal Cooling

This morning my husband mumbled these three words to me. Err.. what darling? I was up all night, he replied, researching nocturnal scrotal cooling. I read all these studies where the sperm count and quality were drastically improved when ice packs were applied to the balls all night, he explained. Men with varicoceles and men without chilled their scrotums at night and all had significant improvements. Sigh. This is what our morning pillow talk has been reduced to.

So, he said, I spent all night with the ice pack stuck to the fellas. See how cold they are? Uh.. just remind me never to use that ice pack in our picnic cool box again, okay? So here we are. Counting down the final days before the first semen analysis since the embolization. And Mr. T seems prepared to pull out all the stops. Or at least, freeze his balls off. 

And so, the ice packs await in the freezer. The scrotum prepares for a frosty reception. And a bemused wife who's not sure whether to laugh or to cry at the ridiculousness of it all, secretly hopes this will be the answer to her prayers. Nocturnal scrotal cooling. Who knew?

Oh Crappy Day!

This perfectly captures how I feel.

AF arrived yesterday morning, so the hope is gone. It was a bad day. I had hoped against hope but... Sometimes it feels like it's never going to happen for us. Thoughts about living a life child-free have crossed my mind, thoughts about accepting our infertility and moving on but... I know there is still hope, Mr. T only had his embolization in July. There is everything still to play for. I have to keep telling myself that. Perhaps that should be my new mantra. 

Oh and then someone I know sent this around in an email:

My response was, but neither can anything else! Then I started to imagine what if chocolate could get me pregnant? I'd have a family like 'cheaper by the dozen' by now! Oh my, I really am going loopy, imagining that an inanimate food stuff could somehow fertilize these lonely eggs of mine.

I've also decided that for my own sanity I need to stay away from facebook with all the baby and pregnancy announcements it's all a little too raw and I also think I need to keep my distance from IRL babies too... At the moment I can't trust myself not to crumple into an emotional mess of tears and streaks of mascara. I don't mean to offend any of my friends with babies, I just need to protect my heart, it is a little fragile right now.

To top it all off I had a horrendous phone call with someone to do with work today. He was thoroughly unpleasant to the point of being nasty. I have to play it nice though and keep it civilized, when all I wanted to say was 'Bite me asshole.' But whatever shake it off, right? People like that go through their lives miserable and horrible individuals. I get to wake up in the morning and be me, with all the wonderful blessings I have in my life.

So I will go to bed now and wake up in the morning telling myself:

There is everything still to play for. There is everything still to play for. There is everything still to play for. Hopefully if I say that enough times I'll start believing it.