Apologies for my long blogging break. It was the longest blogging break I've taken. Nearly a week! I just couldn't get myself down to it. I thought about writing but the truth is I just didn't want to. It was a weird week. Not a sad one. Just weird. Full of ups and downs. There were tears and bouts of depression. There was also laughter and fun and S-E-X (I was ovulating after all, which is about the only time we actually do have sex, and if you're not ovulating then why bother? Oh so sad what TTC does to us). There was also lots and lots of work and social commitments that just left me exhausted. I had no desire to write or to read. The whirl of life, TTC and IF depression had me truly tumbling down the rabbit hole.
I have given up hope on a natural pregnancy for a while. I have to accept that it will be at least another 3 months before any real change will be seen. And so this is a strange 2ww for me. As I don't really feel there's much to wait for. Except for the always punctual Aunt Flo of course. Mr. T will go for a SA in about 2 weeks as well, but we know not to expect anything yet. But of course I do, I have lots of irrational hopes and dreams. Case in point: When I lie in bed, or stare at the computer, even when I'm walking down the street, this image pops in my mind and it is so strong and so real. I am lying on the chair, wearing the mandatory green backless robe, with my feet in stirrups, as Dr.B fiddles around with the oh-so-fun vag-cam. And then Dr. B points to the screen to a barely distinguishable little bean and says "there is your baby". Mr. T and I, clasping hands, stare at the screen in disbelief and joy, we both start to cry. And then I snap out of the dream as I feel the wetness of real tears on my face. And I tumble further down the rabbit hole.
This daydream has occurred at least three times this week. I've also held a few babies this week. I wanted to. I reached out. It. felt. so. good. I imagined what it would be like to hold my own. But I also felt that I could fall completely head over heels for the baby I was holding. It didn't matter that it wasn't mine biologically. I realized that adopting a child would bring me much happiness too. I really just want to be a mother. And so the tears fall. Because this desire is so all consuming you cannot tell your heart to wait. Falling, falling down this rabbit hole. Perhaps soon I will have my own mad hatters' tea party. Or maybe that should be mad IFers tea party? Anyone feel like joining?
