First off please stop by and give a big blog hug to Eileen from We Got Hitched. She just lost her baby at 8 weeks. It's her third loss in a year. I am absolutely heart-broken for her. I burst into tears when I read her post and I am so angry at the universe right now for letting it be so. But anger is not helpful. So I'll light a candle and say a prayer.
Baby blues. Obviously not the post-partum kind of blues. I mean this is an infertility blog after all, one needs to have a baby before you can have those kind of blues. I'm talking about the no-baby-yet-blues. Where your heart aches, your stomach knots, and you feel like it just ain't gonna happen. And these baby blues seem to be contagious. It seems like every blog I visit is going through the same frustration and anger, feeling like the weight of another failed cycle is starting to crush our hope, our stamina, our determination to make this happen. But that's just it! I feel freakin' powerless. I feel like none of this is in my hands. I just have to sit back and wait. And I'm frickin' tired of waiting!!!! In fact I am going to rip out the word 'wait' from every dictionary I find and burn it!!
In case you were wondering this is an unfertilized egg. Just sitting and w--.... hold on I just ripped this word out the dictionary and burned it.
The no-baby-yet-blues. Tired of constantly wanting. Tired of never being satisfied with the life I lead. Tired of the emptiness. Tired of not being grateful for the many blessings I already have. Tired of wanting something I may never have. I read other blogs in the IF community and see people who have been trying for two, five, sometimes nearly ten years, to have a child. This all seems inconceivable to me (no intended word play). Really, how long are we supposed to w---? Months, a year, now 18 months for me, is hard enough, but year-after-year of the same bullshit? How are you meant to get through it? I'm already slowly losing my mind as we start approaching the 2 year mark. Someone once wrote 'IF sucks, but my life doesn't have to'. Except while my life doesn't suck, I think that it does. And my heart certainly thinks so. I feel like I'm always trying to trick my heart into believing it's happy, that it does not want for anything, that life is good. But my heart is no fool.
So Internet, I'm turning to you for help. How do you cure the no-baby-yet-blues? Aside from having a baby, that is. And if they are incurable, as I suspect they are, how do you learn to live with them? How do you wake up every morning and put one foot in front of the other without falling down?
