TTC Math

I've been doing some scary TTC math. I know you may judge me. You will tell me I'm still young. But please don't. It doesn't make it any easier. And I know many who are trying for their miracles are older than me and hearing some nearly 30-something complaining about getting older is probably irritating and I am sorry for that. But it doesn't take away from how I feel. It doesn't stop me feeling that my dreams, the things I planned for, are slipping away.

I wanted to have my first child before I was 30. I mean quite a bit before, like around 27, 28, 29 at the very very latest. Mr. T and I had dreamed (dream?) of having a big family. We wanted to have 4 kids.  I was determined to be a young mother, I wanted to be in the best possible shape and I wanted to avoid any complications because of, what is referred to as, "advanced maternal age". Which if you can believe it, apparently starts at 35. Yes, by 35 you are of "advanced age". How frickin' unfair is that? So I figured if we want to have a big family we should start earlyish. 

But it wasn't only my penchant for planning and determination to be a young mum. It was also because I love being around kids and I wanted them in my life as soon as we were ready. Without them it feels as though a part of me is missing, a part of me that will never be completely whole until I have children in my life. And all this waiting seems to be tearing that hole inside me bigger and bigger, like it's eating me.

I then realized something that took the wind out of me. Unless I get pregnant by October, I won't become a mother before I'm 30. Panic! The realization that that is probably not going to happen hit me like a truck. Until then I had thought that even with our TTTC issues there was still a chance this would happen for us before the big 3-0. But the reality is, that if I do ever get pregnant, then I will be 30+ before I have my first child. Part of me says, just be grateful if you ever get pregnant, even if you're 50. But part of me says, after planning so much, after putting so much effort in to get the timing right, this is a kick in the teeth. Really you have to understand how close to obsessed I was (am?) with planning my pregnancies so that it would all work with age/career/life etc. 

I know this is an insane amount of pressure to put on our baby making efforts right now but.. I can't help this fact, can I? Mr. T keeps telling me that age is just a number, but who are we kidding? It's more than that, especially in the TTC world. I know I can't force this to happen. I have to accept that it's just the way it is. But can someone please tell that to my brain? It keeps doing scary TTC math.