Itchy Boobs

I'm wondering if it's the progesterone? I realize in my last post I didn't really explain to those not in this wonderful TTC/IF world why I'm taking progesterone. In a nutshell, it's because it makes my uterus relax and ensures it's uber-ready for implantation. (That is, if we were lucky enough for a sperm to actually find and fertilize the egg.) I asked Dr.B if the progesterone was absolutely necessary since my hormone levels are fine but he said this would give it the best chance, and well every little helps. I guess.

So now I'm inserting these damn progesterone pessaries every night, which by the way, makes for a weird experience in the morning and actually during the rest of the day as well. I keep getting a not-quite-so-pleasant surprise everytime I go to the loo. When I wake up half of the pessary capsule seems to have dissolved and dried down my leg. Sorry no TMI warning here! This just needs to be said!

Okay I put one in. Just a little late is all.

Anyway back to the point of this post. Are my boobs itchy because of the progesterone? It was getting a bit embarrassing today in a meeting I had for work. I just really needed to itch them! I hope no one noticed... sometimes I just forget where I am! The desire to itch was too overwhelming. I looked on some forums but they were useless. Every single one telling me itchy boobs was a sign of pregnancy... hmmm... four days since my IUI, I don't think so. I'm convinced it's the P. Rone, let me know if you have any other thoughts??

And last but not least I wanted to thank you all for your words of encouragement and support over my drama drama IUI. Your words keep me sane. So I just wanted to thank you all from the bottom of my heart:

Wish I could give this to you for real.

IUI Drama Part 2

Ready for the next installment? Well this part is not as drama-filled or exasperating as the first. But. It. Has. Its. Moments.

So we headed down to Dr. B's office. I was really disheartened at this point and completely drained emotionally. Looking back on it, that was probably a good thing. It stopped me from being nervous or excited about the procedure. I was convinced it was too late already. 

Once in the clinic, I put on the gorgeous backless green gown and assumed the position. Bottom scooched down, legs in a position my grade 7 religious education teacher would definitely have disapproved of. Mr. T was by my side as we waited for Dr.B to prepare all the various metal instruments about to be inserted into me. I forgot to mention before that Dr. B likes to play music in his clinic. A lot. The very high-tech sound system is hooked up all over the office. He plays nasheed music non-stop. This is basically Islamic choir music. One of the most famous nasheed singers is Sami Yusuf. This is who Dr. B likes to play. 

Dr.B began. I could hear the music all around me as it started to get quite uncomfortable with all the instruments shoved in down there. Kind of like having a mouth full of metal braces and then some. I felt the catheter go in, this always makes me tense as hell. Then just as Dr.B was pushing through Mr. T's this-is-one-I-prepared-earlier (or should that be two?), the tone of the music changed. The room was suddenly filled with a dramatic rumbling DUN-DUN-DUHHH!! DUN-DUN-DUHH!! Mr.T cracked up and started mimicking the dramatic music, which made me laugh. Don't make me laugh! I said through clenched teeth. Yes please don't laugh, said Dr.B. Oops, had I just pushed out all Mr.T's hard-worked for spermies? No, it was fine. The insemination had gone well.  Out came the instruments. Ahh what a relief! And then Dr.B changed the elevation of the bed so I was virtually lying upside down. Well nearly anyway. So I just kinda hung out there - feeling like David Blaine. Reflecting on the weirdness of the day and how I couldn't believe we had actually done it and got through it, that we had actually made it to this point.

One of the lovely nurses came to speak with me. She was wishing me well and said she prayed that this would be it for us. We started speaking about a number of things including adoption. Most babies put up for adoption in Morocco are from young unmarried women. You see, it's against the law to have a baby outside of marriage here. It forces so many women down difficult paths and leaves them with few choices. Even Mr.T and I were asked for our marriage certificate when we were at the clinic at the start of this IUI process. She asked me how it was in the UK. Unmarried women can have babies there right? It's not a problem? She asked. No, it's not a problem. Unmarried women have children all the time, I replied. She smiled. That's better, she said. Otherwise women sometimes do awful things. They can't tell anybody, they are so frightened of their families. We smiled at each other. She in her headscarf and me in my backless green gown, lying upside down. 

When I was finally released from my bat-like position, we went in to see Dr.B. He told me to begin my progesterone the next day and continue it for the next 15 days. You can take them orally or vaginally, as you wish, he instructed. Erm... well I know which I prefer. But is it more effective if they're closer to the site in question?? I told him we were flying to Paris and then on to London next week, would this be okay? Not a problem he reassured me. I told him I was grateful to have done the IUI at his office and not in the clinic-from-hell. He smiled. Yes it's better here. You can relax, have some music... Oh no, not the music again Dr.B! 

Mr.T and I went back to our hotel room and crashed. What a mofo of a day. But I only slept for all of about twenty minutes. There was just too much adrenalin and stress running through my body, despite having done a round of acupuncture the day before to calm me down. I proceeded to watch three different movies on the ipod. Thick as Thieves - fairly good. 88 minutes - terrible. Crips & Bloods, Made in America - compelling, thought-provoking stuff. I got all that movie watching done while Mr.T was snoring away beside me. Well he had worked hard and under very difficult conditions. Bless him.

So the plan of action is to wait and see if AF shows up and then if not POAS. I will be visiting my parents back in the UK at the end of the TWW, so at least I can get some pregnancy tests that I'm used to, if I need them. Emphasis on the IF.

On a side note, my MIL did something different. Something she has never done before. The next day she came to me and apologized. She apologized for not being thoughtful, for not realizing, she explained that we were brought up in different cultures and that she needed to understand me better. She was sorry for what had happened yesterday and sorry for any pain or hurt I felt. She gave me a box of handmade chocolates she went out and bought for me especially, as a way of saying sorry. 

This is the first time she had ever done this. It meant a lot to me and I'm grateful she made this effort to establish a better relationship between the two of us. If my IUI day taught me anything, it taught me to realize that this is a crazy unpredictable world, and whatever you think can never happen, can and often will. I just hope this comes true for us and our maybe baby.

IUI Drama Part 1

Drama. Drama. Drama. Oh yes big drama. So where do I start? There is so much to tell. Some of it is horrendous. Some of it is hilarious. But. It. Certainly. Was. Not. At. The. Time.

It all began with my MIL the day before my insemination. Since Mr.T's parents were staying with us when the insemination would be taking place, we explained it to them so they would know and be aware of what we were going through. The night before the insemination where Mr.T would need to produce his sample at 8am we decided we would get an early night. Mr.T had only had four hours sleep the night before so he really need his shut-eye. At just before midnight I heard my MIL call Mr.T's name over and over and then knock on our door. I thought she would realise we were already sleeping and leave us be because we had a big day tomorrow. But no. She rang Mr. T's phone waking him up. I sprang to my feet and opened the door. He's sleeping! We have to get up really early in the morning! Oh, she said, sorry. I just wanted his computer so we can skype. Oh good, I'm glad you woke us up for something important. Errr, selfish, much? Earlier that day, a woman who I have a BIG problem with came to visit my MIL at the house. I said I was fine with it as long as she didn't stay. No, she won't stay, my MIL reassured me. So when I awoke this morning feeling very nervous about the day ahead, who did I see in the kitchen? This woman. I started to feel the anxiety build in me, I can't stand to be around this woman and my MIL had promised she wouldn't be there!

So Mr.T and I decided to leave without breakfast. Then the fun and games really began. When we arrived at the clinic at eight in the morning, we were expecting a quiet, simple place, with smiling staff and generally an air of privacy and dignity. It was as opposite from that as you can possibly get. It was packed full of people. Including men standing outside clutching cups full of...well, you know, just like that no bag, no cover, nothing, just out there for everyone to see. I was suddenly glad I had missed breakfast. 

We were finally directed to another waiting area with just a few other couples. Yes, that's right couples. I thought it was weird that I had been asked to join Mr.T for his part of the process. But maybe it was just for paperwork right? As we were sitting there, extremely nervous at this point, especially given the lack of privacy - an old hunched lady with no teeth walked by. Mr.T laughed, great just what I need to get me in the mood. He joked, she's probably the one taking me to the room! Ha ha ha! He put on a creepy-old-lady voice 'Here you go sir, let me know if you need a hand!' Ha ha ha we laughed. Yeah. We so shouldn't have. Life likes to play cruel tricks. 

The lab guy came out and gave Mr.T the cup and we filled out the forms. Then he pointed to the old toothless lady to take Mr. T upstairs. We both looked at each other in horror. Are you kidding me? Mr.T shot me a look of exasperation. I'll do my best he said. The lab guy called out to Mr.T as he walked up the stairs, you don't want your wife to go with you? Both Mr. T and I were like WTF? Mr.T certainly does not want me there when he's about to do the knuckle shuffle! It's certainly not the most dignified thing, nor is it erotic or sexy - its functional and embarrassing. And how dare he announce this to the whole waiting room? No Mr.T replied, I'd rather she wait here. Oh shit. Was all I could think. This is not going to work, it's like they're doing everything possible to put him off. I was starting to get pissed off.

While I was sitting waiting for him (which btw is so not fair on Mr.T, everyone downstairs would know exactly how long it took him. In most places you get to leave through a separate door so no one sees you and you deposit your cup in a special section of the room where a nurse can retrieve it from outside) the lab man came up to me and asked me why I did not go with my husband. He didn't want me to, I replied. But how is he going to do it by himself, the man asked. Well he's been doing it all by himself since he was 13 so I think he'll manage. I mean WTF???? Do Moroccan women go in with their husbands to help them out? Do Moroccan men not masturbate???? This was all too weird for me. All too personal, a complete invasion of our privacy, a complete loss of whatever dignity we were clinging on to. I sat there waiting, watching a movie on the ipod just to escape the reality.

When Mr. T appeared he said it was the toughest thing he ever had to do. The old toothless lady was standing next to him and asked him for his cup, in front of EVERYONE in the room. He handed it over to her and just put his face in his hands. This is f@**ed up, he exclaimed. It's like handing my sperm to my grandma, she was waiting outside the whole freaking time!! And the room was like a prison, he told me. It was dirty and nasty. I'm so glad you didn't come in. This would be hilarious, I said, if it wasn't real. Mr.T said he didn't think it was a good sample, he couldn't produce much, the awful circumstances were just overwhelming. The lab guy called us in. We didn't have enough sperm for the IUI. He showed us the sperm on the screen and there were few sperm, if any moving. You've got 4 million ones I can save for the insemination, he explained. Can you do another? Not here, Mr.T said adamantly. Well you can take the cup and do it at home but bring it right back. He then looked at me and asked when I got my injection, around 10pm on Tuesday right? No, I said, it was at 6pm. Oh that's too early we won't have the sperm ready in time. That was the last straw. Of all the sh*t things that went on today, this was just it. I started to cry. I was pissed off beyond belief. Mr.T phoned Dr.B and started explaining the situation. Dr.B said this guy was not an expert and that he was wrong, it would not be too late. But I was already convinced it was. As we got in the car to drive home, I broke down. I could not stop crying, I was sure it was too late and I was so angry about the way we had been treated at the clinic, so angry that they had made Mr.T's job as difficult and awkward as they could have.

Mr.T looked across at me. How can we go home? My folks are there, my aunt and of course THAT woman. You need space babe. I don't want you to have to be there infront of all those people crying your eyes out, plus I gotta do my thing - there's just too many people there. I'm going to check us in to a hotel. Bless him. Bless my hubbie. I was so grateful. We drove straight to a hotel and checked in. I climbed into the bed and cried it all out until I was numb. Mr. T cuddled me. You don't have to do it if you don't want to babe. It's too late anyway, I said. Mr.T reassured me, it's not too late and I'm gonna do it. I want this to work. He disappeared off to the bathroom and then not too long after was on his way back to the clinic. I had given up at this point and tuned into some crappy tv.

Mr. T returned and dragged me out of bed to get some breakfast. I looked awful, my eyes were red and my hair was all over the place. I just didn't care. We had to pick up the sperm preparation from the clinic and then take it to Dr.B's office across town for the insemination. I'm glad Dr.B had suggested we do the IUI at his office and not at the same clinic as I'm sure it would have been H.O.R.R.E.N.D.O.U.S. The lab guy informed us we now had 8 million fast swimmers and we stood a good chance. So off we went, driving across town with Mr.T's washed sperm in my bag. Part 2 coming soon....

My blog was nominated! Please vote!

My blog was nominated for best local blog at ParentsConnect.com! Please vote so I can win! Thanks!

Here's a link to the voting page:
http://gocitykids.parentsconnect.com/parents-picks/san-diego-ca-usa/best-san-diego-local-blog

www.AWellLivedLife.Net
www.AWellLivedLife.blogspot.com

Colourful Pleasures

Taking a break from all the posting about ovaries, varicoceles, IUI and all that other fun infertility stuff - to just take pleasure in the colours of where I live. Of this place I call home. Of Marrakech. Let your eyes delight in the blues and greens of Le Jardin Majorelle:

Imagine this sweet, sticky honey on your finger. Fresh from the hive today.

This is a real treat. Completely organic raw honey. Yum.

And check out this bag I just snapped up in the souk - they're all the rage here. They're in every shop in every alley of the huge labyrinth that is the Marrakech souk.

Basically it's a weaved bag with a decorative place mat sown on. How fab is that?

They can be found in every shape and colour - it's hard to just buy one. But I did resist. Mainly because Mr.T was there, doing the usual 'Do you really need another bag?' routine. What can I say... guys just don't get it.

Posting soon with the IUI update. Stay tuned for the next sperm & stirrups installment....

Testicles & Ovaries

We have news on both. Ovaries first: I went for my scan yesterday expecting to see follicles ready to pop (since I usually ovulate early) but there were two follicles only at 13mm and so they still need a bit more time to develop. I need to have at least one follicle at 20mm before they trigger the ovulation. I was only on CD 10 so I guess 13mm is about normal. Dr.B said the egg starts maturing quite quickly from this point. I think I'm getting a little impatient - I was so disappointed not to be there already! Note to self - good things come to those who wait. My next ovary scan is on Monday and if I have a 20mm follicle he will inject me that evening and then 36 hours later, the insemination is a go-go.

Now for the testicles. I am attaching a TMI warning to this part of the post. But this is important news for Mr. T and why his little fellas have not been functioning so well. Varicoceles. Mr. T has got 'em. Yep. Through all this time. All those doctors. And not one. Not one told us to see a urologist or to consider the cause for his sub-optimal sperm. They all immediately suggested ICSI.

(Wonder why? $$$) 

Mr. T went to see a urologist a few days ago, who with a simple exam found varicoceles. Mr.T said he felt so weird during the exam, he kept saying he felt violated having a man feel his balls! Don't worry ladies, I gave him the look which said, don't even go there, you don't know the meaning of the word! Anyway for those of you wondering varico-who-what-the? These are basically varicose veins. The problem with having them in your testicles is that the flow of blood through these veins should be toward the heart and away from the sperm making and storage area. But with varicoceles the blood flows back into the testicles. The temperature of blood is much hotter than what is needed for the sperm and so this heat affects their shape, motility and the quantity. Aha! Finally! There's a concrete reason!!

The urologist applauded Mr. T's efforts with the lifestyle change, the diet, the supplements and the acupuncture. In fact when he looked at Mr. T's improved SA he was surprised that such an improvement had been possible given the varicoceles. He advised Mr. T to keep up everything that he's been doing as it was obviously having a positive effect. 

We're still going ahead with IUI as there is still enough sperm for that and they are going to filter out the malformed ones and keep the fast swimmers for the insemination. Then Mr. T will be having the varicoceles treated. We just came back from the radiologist who found a Grade 3 varicocele and a Grade 1-2 varicocele. Varicoceles are graded from 1-3, grade 3 being visible to the eye, grade 2 being visible with the sonogram without coughing and grade 1 being visible with the sonogram with coughing.  Apparently varicoceles are quite common in men, up to 15% of men have them. The urologist told Mr. T that in Morocco it's 30%, I have no idea why it's more common here. 

I am so fascinated by biology I had to go to the radiologist appointment with Mr. T. He's very cool with me being there, as I am with him in all my appointments. I think it's good for us too see what the other goes through. Especially some of the stuff Mr. T has seen, he's certainly squirmed on his seat and squished his eyes when he's been to my appointments! Anyway all the staff were looking at me strangely as I went into the room with my hubby for his testicular scan. They were asking him 'Are you sure you want her to go in with you?' It's a Muslim country so I'm sure they thought it was a bit weird for a woman to be joining her husband for the scan of his tackle. But I just explained I'm really interested from a medical point of view and I won't be staring voyeuristically at my husband's genitals - I've seen them enough times anyway! Well I didn't say the last part.

And it was fascinating. If you're interested in that type of thing. The radiologist had this heat imaging on the screen so you could see the blood flow through the veins. He asked Mr. T to cough and you could see the blood flow back through the veins where it shouldn't. He explained that with Mr. T's varicoceles getting me pregnant would be nigh on impossible - which is why the latest SA was so surprising and shows how much all those lifestyle factors can have an impact on sperm production. So now we have one final hurdle to overcome. Well I hope it's the final one anyway!

To treat the varicoceles there is a choice of procedure. The older, more common one is surgery with general anesthetic. It's quite invasive and Mr. T will be out of action for a while - no heavy lifting allowed for 6 weeks. However there is another option, though he may have to return to Europe for it. This is embolization - where they insert a metal coil via a catheter into the affected vein to block the flow of blood. It is much less invasive, performed under a local anesthetic and he can go home after a couple of hours at the hospital. He will also recover much faster. So all in all it looks like the better option but we have no idea if there is someone who can do it here. If not, Europe is but a 3 hour flight away. 

I feel a strange mixture of relief that we now have a concrete reason for Mr. T's sperm problems but also frustration that it took us this long to get the diagnosis. I really felt that we were on our way with all the changes we made to our health and lifestyle but now there's another six month waiting time ahead if this IUI doesn't work. I suppose six months is nothing in the big scheme of things. But I know you TTC ladies out there will understand just how torturous ONE month can be. 

Two Awards!

I've been given two awards for this little blog what I write. The first is Honest Scrap from One Hit Wonder at (Mis)conceptions.

And the second is Kreativ Blogger from Stephanie at Through The Eyes of a Stranger.

Thank you so much fellow-blogging ladies! I really appreciate them, yay for blog awards! But it's not over. No, no. I don't just get to put these lovely awards on my blog, I get to pass them on too! But first I have some other requirements I need to fulfill. 

So here are the Honest Scrap stipulations:

1) Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design

2) Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog, and leave a comment informing them that they have won the "Honest Scrap" award.

3) List at least 10 honest things about yourself.

Here are the blogs I award with Honest Scrap. I chose these blogs because of their honest and courageous posts:

* Here's To Another Day

* Conceive This!

* Sell Crazy Someplace Else

* All Things Griffin

* Dragonfly Mama

* We Are What We Repeatedly Do

* IF Optimist

10 Honest Things About Me:

1. I have hairs that grow out of a mole on my chin. Ewww. It's supposed to be very lucky in Chinese culture but it's just plain gross in mine so I choose to pluck!

2. I hate cleaning. I'm very lazy when it comes to tidying-up but I swear my husband has OCD so I just leave him to it. 

3. I have a little pot-belly. No matter what I do it's always there. 

4. Honestly, I have crazy frizzy hair but I straighten it all the time, thank the Lord for straighteners.

5. I am a chocoholic and it's been two months since I began the chocolate embargo. I have broken the embargo a total of four times.

6. I am addicted to Lost, Desperate Housewives, Ugly Betty and now, the Wire.

7. When I was little I used to pee in pools (I don't anymore... only in the sea).

8. I am not putting in enough effort to learn Arabic.

9. Someone recently told me that there are 14 healthy newborn-babies in an orphanage in Marrakech who need parents. I cried. I know that one way or another we have to adopt. 

10. Although I have a smile on my face everyday, inside I feel like there's a dark cloud inside me that will never lift until I hold our baby (be it ours biologically or not) in my arms.

There you go, blogosphere. Honest and Scrappy.

For the Kreativ Blogger award the rules of acceptance are simple: list seven things you love and then pass the award to seven blogs you love.

I love...

1) my fantabulous Mr.T

2) freshly-baked chocolate brownies straight from the oven, still gooey in the middle

3) seeing my students' faces when they read a sentence for the first time

4) diving into a swimming pool on a very hot day

5) seeing snow on the Atlas mountains in Marrakech

6) cooking in the kitchen and listening to BBC radio 4 on the internet

7) dancing like a lunatic when I think no one is watching (I hope!)

Now here's for seven fantabulous blogs that I love:

* Musings of a Fat Chick

* Parenthood for Me

* Dispatches from the Island

* (Mis)conceptions

* CosWeAfricanWomenAreDoin&DoinItWell

* A Few Good Sperm

* Bugaboo Envy

It's Award season folks!

A Second Opinion

I went to see the other doctor today for a second opinion. I really liked him. It was such a different experience. Flat screens everywhere and loads of nurses who were very friendly and kind. I felt relaxed there. 

I was given a gown, luxury! The nurses helped me on to the chair and I even had a flat-screen next to me so I could see everything going on. The doctor measured my uterus with the ultrasound wand and measured the follicles on my ovaries. Apparently it's gonna be a lefty this month. 

The wand was a much better experience than with the uterus-ruler thing! No cramping, no pain, over in 3 minutes. This doctor IS the one. He shall now be known as Dr. B.

He kinda looks like this too.

So I now have my ovarian scan with him on Friday. Oh, and he's going to trigger me with an HCG injection and not a suppository which I feel more comfortable about. And I'm sure my downstairs bits will be much happier about that too. Hmm I'm getting excited about this! Well 

maybe a bit apprehensive too. But it's a much bigger chance of actually getting PG than before. 

He also suggested that Mr. T go to see a urologist. Finally. I wanted him to do this for a while but no one recommended it. He's going there to have a scan to check for any blockages or damage to the dangly collection of objects he keeps in his trousers. Time for him to get a taste of what we ladies go through, with all the poking, prodding and general loss of dignity! Well, I hope it's not too bad. No. Really I do. Hee, hee. The appointment is tomorrow. That's another great thing about doing it here. You can get an appointment at the click of your fingers. 

So I have a couple of questions for you ladies out there that have done IUI before: Have you done more than one insemination over your fertile period? If so does that mean hubbie's sperm has to be frozen? Also, is it safe to go swimming after IUI? If so how long after the IUI? Are chlorine pools a BIG no-no if you are TTC? I'm running a Summer camp for kids and we swim everyday so I just need to know when it's safe to go back into the water...

Eeek, at least whatever happens with me, it can never be THIS bad.

AWOL

I'm back. I had planned to post. I had planned to be organized and get my thoughts out into the blogosphere. But a couple of things put a stop to my well-intentioned plan. First my parents came out for a visit and we were busy from sun-up to sun-down. I didn't even open my mac for two whole days. *Blinking eyes, mouth gaping* Unbelievable. Especially since my mac and I seem to be attached at the hip.

But there was something else too. After the whole not being pregnant, going to the doctor and going ahead with IUI... AND a whole load of pregnancy announcements last week, I got down. I mean real low down. I was frustrated. Hurt. Tired of it all. Part of me still is. So going on a short blogging break and thinking everything over was good. 

I'm also a little apprehensive about the IUI. First because this is Morocco and I don't know the doctor that well. He came recommended by friends but others have said he is a little old-fashioned and I'm starting to think measuring my uterus with a stick he inserted rather than by ultrasound-wand is a little too olden days for me. I mean doesn't inserting something through my cervix and into my uterus put me at more risk of infection (not to mention making me a lot more uncomfortable)? Should I be doing IUI with this guy? Or is that just the way they do things here? And if so, do I like this, or should I go back to the UK instead for this procedure? And why trigger me with a suppository, why not with an injection? I heard yesterday that Morocco no longer allows pregnil to be imported into the country and so the only option is the suppository.. but why? So do I go back to the UK? I feel like I have a million questions.

I am going to see another GYOBN this week just to make sure. I'll see what his approach is exactly and then make the decision. As with everything TTC, time is of the essence. I'm scheduled for my ovarian scan on Friday and then triggering could be any time after that. So I guess I better get my skates on.

Or... wait until next month? Except next month is off because we're traveling, so it's now or August. Forgive me for saying this, as I do think mother nature is pretty damn amazing, but sometimes, just sometimes, she can be a bitch.

So IUI...

My unwelcome visitor certainly has a knack for timing. Shortly after I posted this morning, it arrived. Of course I was disappointed but I hadn't expected any differently, it was just weird that AF took longer to arrive than usual. But now here she is. In all her unwanted glory.

So we went to the doctor. And then we waited. And waited.  I guess waiting comes with the territory in a GYOBN office since they're always rushing off to deliver babies. And then you get to sit in the waiting room surrounded by pregnant women. Great, just what my empty-infertile-bleeding self needed today.

An hour and a half later we were in the doctor's office. My French was really put to the test as I explained our infertility history. Thank goodness most fertility-related words are pretty much the same as they are in English - insemination/insémination, sperm/spermes, uterus/utérus. Just say those words in a Frenchy-type accent and you're good to go. So he agreed that we should go ahead for IUI and he walked us through the process. I would come in on day 10 of my cycle for a scan of my lovely ovaries and then as soon as one of my follicles got to 20mm I would need to take a 'pillule' - this is 'pill' in French but he did this little hand motion with his finger going up that made me suspect that it is actually a suppository. I sincerely hope it's not. But let's face it, this is IF, so it probably is.

This 'pillule' is in order to trigger ovulation. I asked him if it was possible to do the cycle au naturelle, with no drugs. He told me that it was better with the drug so they wouldn't miss my ovulation. This is the only part I don't like. I've since read on the web that a completely natural IUI is possible if they do a blood test for your LH surge. I'm thinking about asking him about this. I am soooo nervous about taking drugs since I've been trying to clean out all my lead and I know my liver has been under strain because of this and I don't want to bombard it with more chemicals. But then is one 'pillule' going to be that much of a bother?

The best thing about the IUI here in Marrakech is the price. Yes baby. It is so much cheaper than in Europe. First of all to do a sperm analysis in the UK costs 100 pounds (1200 MAD or US$163) but here in Morocco it's only 300 MAD (25 pounds or US$37) woo hoo! The total cost of the IUI will be 1000 MAD (83 pounds or US$125). My hubbie looked over at me, sh*t I'm willing to do at least ten of these if we have to. He was not joking.

Anyway then the Doc said he needed to do an internal exam. But I have my...? You want to do it now? Yes, it's no problem. Okay. I've never had any kind of activity going on down there when AF was in town and I felt super self-conscious. Plus, my legs really need de-furring and I always make sure I'm waxed before I go to one of those appointments. I'm a bit of a freak about it. I won't even go to my acupuncturist until my legs look like they belong to me and not to a gorilla just escaped from the zoo. (When you have thick dark hair on your head, it grows prolifically everywhere else too.)

 

So he did the cervical exam. Parfait. I felt smug. My cervix is "parfait" apparently. The he inserted the Spanish Inquisition instruments of torture - is he going to give me a smear? But I have my period, so what's the point? No, he replied, I'm going to measure your uterus. That was a bit painful. He inserted this thin ruler type device he said was for measuring my uterus and checking the angle for the insemination. After it was all done we made the date for our next rendezvous. Ovary scan - 19th June.

Oh, I almost forgot. Mr. T has to play his part too. He needs to do another semen analysis before the IUI so I guess he's got some work on his hands too (forgive the totally intended double entendre). IUI here we go.

An Update

First of all thank you so much for all your comments and emails. The advice was greatly appreciated. I had no idea you can still get AF cramps AND be pregnant. This TTC business is really a mind-f@*k. Now for the update. Still no AF, but the cramping continues. When I awoke this morning I was convinced there would be the first signs of its arrival. But. Nothing. So I POASed.

B.F.N

I have checked it like a million times and held it to the light to inspect it for even the faintest of pink lines but nada. But this time I won't be throwing it in the trash, cos you never know... and I don't fancy picking through the trash again in 2 days time.

I have never done a pregnancy test like this before. I bought a load from the UK when we first started TTC and since they're all finished, I sent Mr. T round to our local pharmacy to pick up just ONE more. I had no idea what a Moroccan pregnancy test would be like but thankfully I didn't have to wonder too much as he came back with one that was made in the US. But this was still confusing. No instructions! Just 2 printed lines of miniscule text on the back of the packet. 

I had to pee in  a cup first and then use the small plastic pipette that came in the packet to drop my pee into the little hole and then wait. I much prefer actually getting to POAS this was more like PIAC (pee into a cup).

Anyway, the doctor's appointment is still on today and I guess we'll find out one way or another. I am going to insist on a blood test if AF doesn't show by then. Trying desperately not to get my hopes up but since this is the closest I've ever come to a maybe pregnancy it is so hard to think of anything else. But I am totally prepared for the big disappointment. 15 months down this IF road (which I know is nothing compared to what some have and are still going through) has taught me that much.

The Garbage Lady

That would be me. This morning I woke up with light cramps but no sign of my unwelcome visitor. It sure is taking its time to get here. So just out of interest I thought hmm... maybe I should take a good look at that pregnancy test I took Saturday morning, after all it's still in the trash.

Yes, I went into the trash and fished out the pregnancy test I peed on 2 days ago. I'm gross. I'm disgusting. I am the lady who picks through the garbage. But I'm blaming it all on my crazy trying-to-conceive-but-can't mentally scarred brain. Who knew IF would have me picking through trash? What next?

And just because nothing in IF is ever that simple and fate loves to play tricks - I looked on the stick, and Im not f@*king kidding, it was positive... there was a clear blue line. Okay, okay I know it is so not valid and I am not pregnant because the pains are coming on stronger and faster, but there is still no AF yet.

And come on now, pregnancy tests are only valid for 10 minutes and any change after that has to be disregarded. But now I can't remember if I threw it away before the 10 minutes were up. Okay I shouldn't do this to myself, the pains are here, AF is coming. I have to accept it and stop imagining more joyful scenarios.

On another note, I called the doctor's office today, we have an appointment on Wednesday. I've never met this doc before so it's going to be more of a look, listen & see rendezvous and then I guess we'll take it from there.

A HypnoBirthing story from the UK

A HypnoBirth story from the UK
This is the birth story of a UK couple's first birth - the Mom was terrified of birthing at first session. The couple was planning on a home water birth with midwives. The practitioner received the birth story from the Dad. Here is it:

My experience as a HypnoBirthing partner.

(My partner to be known as A throughout.)

A's waters broke at Midnight on the Sunday and surges were erratic and light so we phoned the midwives to inform them. They agreed that the waters had broke and we went back to sleep.

The following morning the surges were getting stronger but were still some time apart so we decided to go on one of our favourite walks. A was a bit tired and needed to stop walking as the surges grew in strength and were twenty minutes apart. We returned home, had lunch as normal and A went to bed for a nap, for a couple of hours. When she awoke the surges were nearer to 10 minutes apart so we rang the midwives again as planned and they came out to see how things were progressing.

When she arrived we told her about our birth plan and discussed where we up to in the labour. The midwife was happy to either stay or come back in a few hours once the surges were nearer to approximately five minutes apart. We decided to have tea and watch a film to relax so asked the midwife to return later. This did the trick because not much later the surges were down to about three minutes apart. So yet again we called the midwife out. This was approximately 19.00. I busied myself getting the pool ready and making sure everything was tidy and in place for the birth.

The midwife arrived and asked to do an internal examination. A agreed but said she only wanted the initial examination, and did not want any subsequent examinations. At this point A was not needing to relax through the surges so it would not break her concentration. I kept going through my prompt card and adding a few of my own to relax A down. Time seemed to be flying by at this stage, so I filled the pool to the maximum mark and A got in. She enjoyed the water as it made her feel light but the midwife kept on talking to A between the surges asking what she was experiencing. I tried to answer all the questions but she kept on asking A more. This broke A's concentration and she started to get agitated and hot. I was trying to calm A down and keep her cool by putting wet towels on her forehead and fanning her constantly. The surges continued to get stronger and closer but we were running out of time before we would have no option but to go to hospital. Neither of us wanted this at all....

A second midwife arrived and they went into the other room to discuss the case. When they returned I could tell it was not good news. A was getting tired and shaking through lack of food. With hindsight I felt I should have given A more food, but time seemed to go so fast and all I had given A from 7:00 pm til midnight was a banana. Unfortunately by this time it was 24 hours since A's waters had broken so we were told we had no option but to go to hospital due to the risk of infection to both A and the baby. Also the midwives said that A had to get out of the pool because she had been in for over 5 hours. I managed to persuade A to get out of the pool and then we had the awful conversation of going to hospital. I listened to all the reasons and eventually agreed there was a risk to mother and baby so we called an ambulance and off we went. All the time I was trying to keep A relaxed, and even though inside I was screaming I could not show any of this to A.

When we arrived at hospital we were ushered into a room and given over to a very "matter of fact" midwife. She insisted that A lie on her back on a bed whilst she attached her to a heart monitor for the baby and put an IV drip in her arm. This caused A to swear at her as she was not the gentlest, but the midwife said she wanted at least twenty minutes on the monitor. Lying back on a bed was the last thing we wanted, so as soon as twenty minutes was up I removed the baby monitor and took A in to the bathroom so she could sit on the toilet. Shortly after this another, younger midwife entered and addressed me directly explaining she would take over our care. When we went back into the room she had rearranged it to make it look less clinical, found us some peaceful music and offered me aromatherapy oils to use on A. This allowed me to truly relax A and concentrate on the training we had received. The only examinations she insisted on was a baby heart monitor pressed against A's stomach for a minute or two every ten minutes. As this was unobtrusive we did not mind.

Everything was going well with the new surroundings and midwife. A started to relax again and I kept on telling her everything was fine and the baby was fine. I was listening and talking to the midwife all the time without disturbing A and only telling her things that she really needed to know. The midwife even brought me a cup of tea. A was relaxing well. The surges were very strong and a lot more regular and the sucrose/IV drip was helping A to wake up and have a bit more energy to breathe the baby down. Unfortunately a couple of things got in the way and almost brought the labour to a complete standstill. The midwife asked A when was the last time she had urinated, which was about 7 hours previously. Therefore A tried to go to the toilet naturally but could not. The midwife explained that she needed to help A clear her bladder using a catheter and showed us on a chart why this was necessary, therefore I agreed. This was only the second time A had been in any real discomfort. Once her bladder was empty the baby moved further down due to the obstruction being taken away. The second problem was that A had become so relaxed she could not feel the surges building in strength, so she did not know when to breathe the baby down.

Again the midwife came to our help and placed a hand on A's stomach and told her when the surges were beginning to build. A started to push but she was getting very tired now, because the labour had been going for some 19 hours and we had been awake for nearly 36 hours with only a 2 hour nap inbetween. I was supporting A who was sat between my legs and leaning back against me, so I could not see the baby birthing. Therefore I asked the midwife for a mirror to watch the birth. Approximately 30 minutes later I watched a beautiful healthy baby boy being born into our world at a staggering 10lbs 10 and a half ounces, 56 cm long and 37 cm head circumference. Considering A is only 5ft 7 and a size 10-12, this was a big baby! She had no need of any stitches thanks to the perineal massage that we had carried out during the last 5 weeks of the pregnancy. The bit that staggered the midwife the most was the fact that the baby's heart beat never changed over the entire labour, which showed that the baby was relaxed throughout.

Baby was placed straight onto A and I cut the cord after I was certain it had stopped pulsating.

I think that had the baby not been so big and if the first midwife had not constantly talked to A at the beginning then it is possible we could have birthed him at home in our pool. Also if we had our last midwife first, things would have remained much more relaxed. We have told everyone who will listen about HypnoBirthing and believe it has helped us a lot to have a safe natural birth.

With hindsight we do not regret going to hospital as it was the best thing for mother and baby at the time. A has thanked me lots of times for my support during the labour and said she could not have done it without me. When I talked to other Fathers they said that during their babies' births they just stood and watched whilst holding their partners hand. I feel like I was part of the birthing experience, not just a bystander.

Norma Gillett MA
Clinical Hypnotherapist
Member National Council for Hypnotherapy (Reg)
Member Hypnotherapy Register
Hypnotherapy Practitioner Diploma
HypnoBirthing® Childbirth Educator
Emotional Freedom and Theta Healing Practitioner
LifeStyle Hypnotherapy 01257 266815
www.lifestylehypnotherapy.com
www.hypnobirthinglancashire.co.uk

Thanks for sharing this wonderful story, Norma. It shows how even with a special circumstance (transfer to a hospital), HypnoBirthing helped this couple stay in the right frame of mind AND helped this Dad be an interactive partner during the birth of their child.

www.AWellLivedLife.Net
www.AWellLivedLife.blogspot.com

Boo! IF Hurts (if you didn't already know)

Yesterday was a bad day for me. I knew that it wasn't likely. But. Part of me believed. Part of me always believes. In the possibility. Had I partly convinced myself? I kept telling myself to expect my unwelcome visitor's arrival. I kept telling myself it's not supposed to happen this cycle anyway. Just forget about it. But some part of me never listens.

So when I awoke on Saturday morning with the first twinges indicating the impending arrival of AF (forever to be known on this blog as Ahhh F@*k and not Aunt Flo), I did something silly. Part of me thought no, no, it was meant to be Murphy's Law this month! It was meant to happen because it wasn't meant to happen. You follow me? So because AF hadn't actually arrived yet and I didn't want to believe it was on its way, I POASed. Pa-the-tic I know. 

(Not wanting to exclude anyone unfamiliar with IF abbreviations but POAS does not stand for some complicated medical term, it is simply Pee On A Stick. And when I say stick, I don't mean a brown wooden thing you find on trees, before you get a totally misleading and slightly disturbing picture in your head. I mean a pregnancy test stick.)

Why did I do this? Let me try to justify it a little so I don't come off too crazeee and desperado right now.  They were the familiar twinges, so deep down I knew what it was, but part of me never wants to believe it - so I picked up my one remaining test and thought. Why not? At least there will be no more tests in the apartment to taunt me anymore. Oh and by the way, this was the last of my eleven tests I bought as a pack when we first started trying over 15 months ago. De-press-ing. 

Of course it was a BFN, I am about to get my freakin' period, what else did I expect?? Well, going by my subsequent reaction, I obviously expected something else. Hoped against all the odds anyway. The deep trembling pain that you feel in your gut and then it rises and swells in your face, and all you can do is moan and cry it out - well, I did that for about an hour. Then I lay motionless on the sofa watching nothing in particular on the TV. We did have this amazing weekend away planned but I didn't want to do anything. Not even make breakfast. Mr. T finally convinced me to get out and took me to a beautiful spot to swim and have lunch.

The start of the day was teary but I soon found comfort in the cool water, the trees, the sun and being in his arms. We talked and talked it all over. My usual attitude would be: Tomorrow brings another cycle. Tomorrow brings another chance. Another time for hope. But. I am getting impatient. Disillusioned. Fed up. So. We decided we want to move up a rung on the TTC ladder. We want to try this next cycle with IUI (inuterine insemination). I call the Doctor tomorrow.