Yesterday was a bad day for me. I knew that it wasn't likely. But. Part of me believed. Part of me always believes. In the possibility. Had I partly convinced myself? I kept telling myself to expect my unwelcome visitor's arrival. I kept telling myself it's not supposed to happen this cycle anyway. Just forget about it. But some part of me never listens.
So when I awoke on Saturday morning with the first twinges indicating the impending arrival of AF (forever to be known on this blog as Ahhh F@*k and not Aunt Flo), I did something silly. Part of me thought no, no, it was meant to be Murphy's Law this month! It was meant to happen because it wasn't meant to happen. You follow me? So because AF hadn't actually arrived yet and I didn't want to believe it was on its way, I POASed. Pa-the-tic I know.
(Not wanting to exclude anyone unfamiliar with IF abbreviations but POAS does not stand for some complicated medical term, it is simply Pee On A Stick. And when I say stick, I don't mean a brown wooden thing you find on trees, before you get a totally misleading and slightly disturbing picture in your head. I mean a pregnancy test stick.)
Why did I do this? Let me try to justify it a little so I don't come off too crazeee and desperado right now. They were the familiar twinges, so deep down I knew what it was, but part of me never wants to believe it - so I picked up my one remaining test and thought. Why not? At least there will be no more tests in the apartment to taunt me anymore. Oh and by the way, this was the last of my eleven tests I bought as a pack when we first started trying over 15 months ago. De-press-ing.
Of course it was a BFN, I am about to get my freakin' period, what else did I expect?? Well, going by my subsequent reaction, I obviously expected something else. Hoped against all the odds anyway. The deep trembling pain that you feel in your gut and then it rises and swells in your face, and all you can do is moan and cry it out - well, I did that for about an hour. Then I lay motionless on the sofa watching nothing in particular on the TV. We did have this amazing weekend away planned but I didn't want to do anything. Not even make breakfast. Mr. T finally convinced me to get out and took me to a beautiful spot to swim and have lunch.
The start of the day was teary but I soon found comfort in the cool water, the trees, the sun and being in his arms. We talked and talked it all over. My usual attitude would be: Tomorrow brings another cycle. Tomorrow brings another chance. Another time for hope. But. I am getting impatient. Disillusioned. Fed up. So. We decided we want to move up a rung on the TTC ladder. We want to try this next cycle with IUI (inuterine insemination). I call the Doctor tomorrow.
