Staring At...

It's nearly been a week since my IUI. I am starting to get on board the maybe-pregnancy crazy train. Everyday I look up pictures of blastocyst development, imagining what my little blastie might be doing, if there is even one there. If we are blessed enough, and fertilization has taken place, then implantation would be happening around the next few days. I am following this TWW day by day, google search by google search, twinge by twinge. 

Choo choo, all aboard the crazy train!

On the day of my IUI when I was being scanned in the morning, I was left alone in the ultrasound room at the clinic. I went over and looked at all the ultrasound pictures hanging on the wall. Black and white fuzzy pictures of recognizable baby forms. I stared for a particularly long time at the smallest baby - still very much in embryo form and I instinctively reached out and gently touched the picture. To have a connection with it. To believe that one day this would be my ultrasound scan I was staring at. I just want this one. Just this little itty bitty one. The tears started to well up in my eyes and I suddenly remembered I better get my underwear on before Dr.B starts to wonder what I am doing in here. 

Time to stop staring at ultrasound scans that aren't mine. Time to stop looking at blastocyst day-by-day development - blastocysts that aren't mine. Time to just breathe and have hope. Maybe, maybe, maybe, baby?

I really really really want this. Sigh.

Getting Older

Mr. T turned 31 today. Happy Birthday Mr. T! I hope we have a baby before you look like this...

But just so you know, I'll still love you even when you look like this. By then, my eyesight probably won't be so good :)

Time is of the Essence!

Yes indeedy it is. Or rather it was. The IUI has been done. I am happy eventually with how it all turned out. But on the day I was very tense and very anxious. You see, I think I'm the only one who (and by this I mean all the men involved in getting me pregnant - Mr. T, Dr.B and now Aziz, the sperm dude as he is referred to in our household) understands that when it comes down to egg and sperm meeting, time is of the essence!

I knew I was ovulating when I woke up Monday morning. I could feel it and the OPK I took the night before and again in the morning confirmed it. But when I tell Dr. B about the positive OPK he says okay you should be ovulating in the next 36 hours. No, Dr.B! I exclaim. It is happening now, please scan me. He tells me to come into the office but as I know that Dr.B is an OBGYN he is NEVER in the office in the morning, as guess what? He is always delivering babies then. So I call every half hour until finally the receptionist confirms he has arrived, by this time it is 11.30am. 

I finally get scanned and lo and behold, I have ovulated. With this now unequivocally confirmed I say: Okay Mr. T should go to the lab right now, since it take a few hours to prepare the sperm? Dr. B says let me call the lab and just confirm, he looks at his watch a little concerned. Oh yeah, I forgot. It's now midday, which in Morocco means lunchtime. Which means everything shuts for THREE HOURS!!! Welcome to the French colonial hangover in Africa. And indeed, Aziz the sperm dude, confirms that the lab will re-open at 3pm and Mr. T can bring his sample then. So the sperm won't actually be ready until 5.30pm at the earliest. So no IUI until then. OMG, I have to wait another 6 hours on top of the 3, I've already waited for Dr.B to get to the office and scan me to confirm what I already know. Don't y'all get it?? TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE!

I can't believe my chance to get pregnant has to be put on hold, or dare I say it jeopardized, because of someone's lunch hour. Hold on that's incorrect - lunch hourS! Geez, can't you just take ONE hour like most of the world and then get back to work.... my egg ain't gonna wait for you to take a 3 hour lunch break. Aren't the priorities a little skewed here??? 

So by now I am one big stress ball. I decide I have to lie down and do nothing, better yet try to sleep. Mr. T has been informed that 3pm is drop-off time. Don't forget it! I yell at him. By 2.45, I decide to get out of bed and see if Mr. T is on the ball, so to speak. He is vacuuming the living room. What are you doing? I'm just cleaning up the house.... err, do you think that's the most important thing to do right now? Do you know what the time is? Don't you have to be doing something right now? I don't want to mess up your mood, but I'm about to flip out. Mr. T exasperated with me replies, leave me alone, don't worry it will be done, I'll be there. Anyway they never actually open until 3.15 so I don't wanna be waiting outside with sperm that are dying, cos they're not back from lunch yet. He is, unfortunately, completely right. Apparently even a 3 hour lunch is not enough. Why does anyone not get that time is of the essence and my egg is ready now?!! Who knows how long the fertile window lasts - it could be the perfect time now and we are missing it! Time is of the essence fellas!!

I give up and go back to bed. But little did I know Mr. T is going to be a star. Not only does he make one deposit, but he decides two hours later to make another to up our chances. Aziz, the sperm dude, works hard to prepare both so we have double chances. Since there was no time, he didn't check what our numbers were. He said the sperm looked good and motility seemed very good too, and that's all we know. Mr. T and I raced across town with the sperm preparation sitting snugly in the drinks holder of our car. Of course when we arrived there was no parking place so I ran out of the car, sperm prep in hand up the stairs to Dr.B's clinic, while Mr. T drives far away to park and then sprints back to the clinic.

The IUI did eventually go well, of course it was bloody uncomfortable, but who cares. Dr.B again refused to charge us for the IUI procedure, he is so sweet, and before we knew it we were on our way home. Feeling much more relaxed now as it had actually been done and hopefully within time! We've given it our best shot this cycle - we tried a couple of times au naturel too, to hopefully seal the deal. So maybe, maybe, maybe, baby?

'Twas the night before...

the third IUI. They had contemplated canceling it. It had been a stressful weekend. Maybe it would be better just to give this cycle a miss and wait till they were less stressed. There had been arguments with in-laws, slamming of doors, storming out and never saying goodbyes. Then there had been an extended power-cut, and when the power finally did come back on, it had blown a fuse somewhere and left them without hot water. 

Why oh why, Mr. T exclaimed, do these things always break on a weekend when everything is shut? Because, she answered exasperated, it just bloody does. They tried in vain to get it fixed before Sunday came but to no avail. It would have to wait. She took a cold shower. After hearing her squeals echoing through the house, Mr. T had second thoughts about showering and decided he wasn't that in need of a wash. Though he probably really was. The next day they managed to get a hot shower at a friend's place and then went out for some carrot cake and herbal tea. A hot shower felt good and the cake and tea did wonders to relieve the stress of the weekend.

They decided that the IUI should not wait. That they would be more upset if they did not go through with it. Exhausted they got ready for bed. And maybe just maybe a good night sleep might help. And the sperm might swim well. And the egg would be perfect and waiting. And in two weeks time they would have the best news they could have wished for. The news they had been waiting for, for two years. Maybe. Just maybe. Baby. Good Night!

A Very Lucky Girl

Really in truth. I am a very lucky girl. Woman. I think being on the cusp of 30, I am definitely in the woman category. I have a great family who love and support me. I have a wonderful husband who makes me laugh. A lot. Usually at him, not so much with... but he makes me laugh all the same. We are about to take a big first step and start building our very first home together. We have lovely friends all around us. We always have places to go and people to see both for work and for social. We get great weather most of the time and living in Marrakech is never ever boring that's for sure!

But. It's not just that. I went to see Dr. B yesterday to see where I'm at with my cycle. He did the dildo cam thing - which I have to say I am becoming rather fond of - I love seeing all my insides up on the screen. And. I am so lucky. It was textbook. Endometrium, ovaries, follicles, everything. He even told Mr. T everything was perfect. Gasp. Perfect. That made me feel so good. Mr.T's reaction? So it really is all my fault. Oh Mr. T! It's no one's fault. Let's be thankful it's just one of us who has a problem and not both. We are lucky in this.

So on CD 9 now, and I start doing OPKs tomorrow to get ready for our next IUI. However there was a slight misunderstanding between Dr.B and me. I was telling him about Mr. T's good SA results and that I thought we stood a good chance in the next few cycles. He agreed. So he said we'll just go ahead naturally. I agreed. No pregnyl, no progesterone, just OPKs and a scan. We talked like this for 5 minutes, when Dr. B said okay so just have sex, let nature take it's course and then after a few cycles we can talk again. Oh. Okay. You think no IUI? But Dr.B, we're here because we want to do an IUI this month. I don't know why Dr.B would think we would come to the clinic if we were going to try naturally this month - why would we make an appointment and wait in the clinic for 30 mins to tell him that? He shrugged his shoulders and said okay, we can do an IUI this month if that's what you want. Mr. T looked at Dr.B and said "She's the boss." Hee hee. I love him saying that! Cos when it comes to TTC, I so am the boss. I just wish I could boss those sperm about!

So really even with all this IF crap. The tears and the sadness. In the big scheme of things, I really am a very lucky woman. And I am grateful. Please remind me of this the next time I write a total freak-out, emotionally overblown post. Probably happening around the same time AF is due.

Freaky Facts

Welcome ICLWers! It's that special time of the month again, no not ovulation or even the end of the TWW when we agonize over whether to POAS or just wait for AF to arrive. No. It is ICLW time where we get to meet bloggers from across the ALI world. With this in mind I thought I would introduce myself with some freaky facts. And by "freaky" I mean bizarre, strange, scary, weird things NOT freaky in a sexual sense, like a threesome with a llama, for example.

ANYWAY. Here goes.

5 Things That Freak Me Out:

1. Not ever getting pregnant. 

Eeeew scary face, hair pulling, heart racing.... Stop before I have a heart attack.

2. Turning 30 this year.

Again heart attack alert.....I know, I know 30 is the new 20 and I should just get over it. But not having a baby and my twenties being completely over is frickin' freaking me out!

3. Finding three white hairs on my head!

OMG, I completely and totally freaked out! I'm not 30 yet, I don't even have kids yet and I have white hairs!! What the f@**!!!

4. Going through 2010 with no pregnancy news.

I know I shouldn't put time limits on things, but I am being honest. It's just how I feel.

Is there a theme developing here?

5. Spiders. Especially the big hairy ones. 

Uggggh my skin crawls just thinking about it.

5 Freaky Things Done in the name of TTC:

1. Seriously contemplated a trip to Bhutan for the fertility festival in the hope of getting knocked up

2. Spoken to Mr. T's sperm in the hope of encouraging them to swim faster and in the right direction

3. Ate many many oysters in one sitting - I really don't like them at all, but they're supposed to help so....

4. Discussed a list of people who we would consider asking for their sperm if we decide to go that route

5. Given Mr. T a green light to download whatever naughty material he wants on to his ipod strictly for clinic use only, ahem.

5 Freaky Things That Happened To Me:

1. My FIL going through laundry and handing me my thongs. Yeah. Weird.

2. My husband's uncle talking to me in depth about this special tea for his gas. Yeah. Again. Weird.

3. The man at the clinic asking me why I wasn't going to join my husband and help him out while he and a plastic cup shared a special moment. Unbelievable. 

4. Having my uterus measured with a plastic ruler-thing instead of with good old ultrasound technology. Ouch. And WTF? Are we in the stone ages??

5. Finding a two inch black hair growing out of my neck. Ewww. But at least it wasn't white...

5 Things That Make Me A Freak:

1. Massive overgrowth of hair, especially in weird places. If it wasn't for wax, tweezers and razors I would resemble a yeti.

2. I still have a cuddly toy. I can't sleep without it. I need to smell it to fall asleep. Thank God I have an understanding husband who finds it endearing, instead of weird/pathetic.

3. I have a piece of glass in my foot that's been there since I was 18. OMG that's nearly 12 years now. Sigh.

4. I talk to myself. All the time. It helps me plan my day. But it makes people think I am a complete nut. Especially when I do it in the car park mistakenly thinking there's no one else around...

5. Towels. I am freakishly possessive over my towels. I do not like it when anyone else uses my towel. Not even my own husband. I like it dry and clean when I want to use it. And God knows the last place he put that towel before I used it to dry my face... apparently this makes me weird.

What freaks you out? Or what makes you a total TTC freak? Let's celebrate our freakishness! And again I mean in the non-sexual sense... no llama threesomes please.

A HypnoBirthing C-Section story

Julia & her husband, Andrew, took my HypnoBirthing classes on Tuesdays in July 2009. Her birth didn't go exactly as planned, but she was still able to utilize the HypnoBirthing techniques to help her. Here is her birth story:

The interesting emergence of Eamon Andrew…

My guess date was October 9. Eamon’s emergence came on October 23, 2009.

Here’s his story! My husband and I had been trying for a baby for 8 months before we got pregnant. It took the flu with consistent high temperatures from a fever for our baby to decide to nestle in for the long haul. The passing of a good friend also ensured that he had a fierce guardian spirit to watch over him as he grew. I’m pretty positive about the date that he became the star of my universe, and was pretty sure about the approximation of the guess date. I suppose my baby boy enjoyed continuously tapping into the universal womb, because no amount of acupuncture, massage, Reiki, or supplements were going to ease him out. I kept saying to our doula, Linda Goldsmith, and friends of ours that our little guy had sticky fingers and toes!!

I am thankful to Dr. Biter and Dr. Cap (Capetanakis) for respecting my wishes for a natural birth. They let me wait it out as long as possible. Nonetheless, Thursday, October 22nd rolled around and Dr. Cap and I discussed induction. My husband and I headed for Scripps Encinitas Hospital that evening at around 6 to admit ourselves. At about 8 the nurse applied Cervidil, and left me to “sleep” until the next morning. To say that the process was extremely painful and borderline barbaric would put it mildly. (For some reason I didn’t think to listen to my HypnoBirthing cds during this time!!) The next morning, about 12 hours later, Dr. Cap checked my cervix, and I had dilated 2 cm, but our baby hadn’t descended at all. So much for natural birth!!? We began Pitocin. This is when I started listening to the HypnoBirthing cds. Despite my hesitancy with the whole medical process, it actually made for an enjoyable day with my husband and Linda. I was standing, swaying, talking – and I felt absolutely NO pain. We kept having the nurse increase the Pitocin slowly, and I still didn’t feel any contractions!! At 6 pm that night there still wasn’t any progress, and Dr. Cap had to discuss the inevitable with us: we were going to have a c-section that evening.

Having a c-section was not what I desired or expected for the birth of Eamon. However, I accepted the reality and continued to listen to the HypnoBirthing cds on my ipod throughout the surgery. I wouldn’t describe my mood as calm and relaxed, as I was terrified. I knew nothing about what happens during the c-section itself and never had surgery before. The different sensations were foreign and jarring to me. However, I would have to say that without the HypnoBirthing cds I would have been an absolute basket case and out of my mind the whole time. It’s not the most enjoyable thing to have the surgery and to wrestle with the recovery, but I couldn’t think of a more wonderful outcome. Our little butterbean was 9 pounds, 1 ounce and came out a’screaming!!

I am thankful to Carol for offering such an enjoyable class that my husband and I looked forward to each week. I am thankful to HypnoBirthing for helping me have the most enjoyable pregnancy that anyone could ever wish for. I am thankful to my son for teaching me that not everything in life can be planned, and that time frames are all an illusion. I am thankful to Dr. Cap for being so compassionate and for bringing our baby boy into this world. I am thankful to Linda Goldsmith for being a wonderful doula. I am thankful for the experience of being a mother.

To future HypnoBirthers out there: even if you’re not having your ideal birth, remember to listen to your HypnoBirthing cds and to trust your baby and your body. Your baby is there to teach you the most powerful lessons you will ever learn. Your body is the vessel that allows your baby to reach you. Much love and strength to all of you…

Thank you, Carol! :) Thank you again for being part of our support system throughout our pregnancy and birth!

Thank you Julia for sharing your birth story! I hope that for the moms who have taken HypnoBirthing classes and ended up with a birth that they hadn't planned for will find your story healing & inspiring.

If you are located in San Diego and are interested in learning more about Dr. Biter, Dr. Capetanakis or the doula, Linda Goldsmith, you can find their contact information on my website's resources page located at www.AWellLivedLife.Net.

www.AWellLivedLife.blogspot.com

TTC vs The Rest of Your Life

This battle rages on within me all the time. How much do I let TTC take over my life? It's a hard question to answer. I try very hard to make sure my life does go on and that I don't plan life decisions around getting pregnant. But sometimes it's hard not too. And other times it's just depressing not to. I'll explain. 

When I think of building the house, the finishing and choosing of the furniture.... I think to myself well if I get pg this IUI then I won't be able to be there for the last part of the build as I'll be having the baby... 9 months is jan, feb, march...september! Things would have to wait and so our schedule will completely change, what we will do then? But then I think to myself a. don't plan your life around a maybe pregnancy and b. realistically, it probably won't happen this cycle. So forget about TTC and just get on with your life. And stop doing pregnancy math!

Then it comes to career decisions. Recently I've been faced with a few different offers. All mean starting new projects with a lot of responsibility and a huge time investment, so I get to wondering again.... what if I get pg, then what will happen? Can I do this job with a baby? Or even what if I need to have more invasive fertility treatments? I may need a lot of time off. Or what if we decide to adopt? Then I would want to focus all my energies on that. So. Is now the time to start a new project? Then I take a deep breath. I say to myself: Stop planning your life around TTC! Just do everything as if it wasn't even an issue. But. Then. That makes me sad.

I don't want to think of my life, no actually, I don't want to think of this year, without a baby. So how can I not plan for it? How can I just get on with my life without thinking about this one burning true fact? And that's where the trouble starts all over again. Because as we know all too well, these things don't really take to being planned. So what the hell am I trying to do?

The Fertility Tracker Bracelet

A few days ago I saw this advertised on my google ads. Now I never usually take a second glance at google ads (especially since more often than not it's advertising baby, maternal and other baby-related paraphernalia, uh... hello? this is an infertility blog...!) but anyway it caught my eye and so I checked it out. And....well it is so very cute...

I thought instead of wearing a watch I would have my much more attractive fertility tracker bracelet to remind me exactly where I was in my cycle. You see the different colour beads represent different phases in your cycle with the silver ball representing the day of ovulation. The butterfly charm moves around so you can track where you are each day. Instead of the butterfly charm I chose a silver tag with the word 'hope' on it which I can move everyday so I always know exactly where I am without having to check the calendar. I think 'hope' is exactly what I need more of and maybe having this on my arm will help me to keep hope with me all the time.

The blue moonstone beads represent the pre-fertile days, the clear quartz beads represent the fertile days of the cycle and the last set of beads are rose quartz. Each stone is meant to be for a special purpose. Since I have a regular cycle I can order this exact bracelet above, but if your cycle is a little different they will make a custom bracelet for you. In fact all the bracelets are handmade, if you're interested check out www.labelledame.com.

Now all I have to do is wait for it to arrive! I hope I can get it before my next IUI, as I will need all the hope and positive energy I can get. I truly will be wearing my heart on my sleeve, well.. wrist. 

A HypnoBirthing story

Kirsten took my Thursday HypnoBirthing classes in August 2009. Her doula, Rosie Peterson, accompanied her to most classes because her husband was stationed in Iraq & wasn't due to return until the later part of her pregnancy. Kirsten describes her birth below & then Rosie shares her experience of Kirsten's birth below that.

Here is Kirsten's birth story:
My daughter was born on Sept 29, 2009. The story, in Rosie's words, is short and very sweet. Intense surges up until my daughter's birth (her name is Severin) took only about 5 hours; I didn't practice anything I learned in HypnoBirthing class. It all happened so fast! The only things I remembered to do were to keep my moans low and gutteral, to keep moving (I paced the house for a while) and to position my body in a squat to help baby move down. I instinctively went inside my body; I had my eyes closed the whole time, from the time we left the house to go to the hospital up until she was born. I never had a fearful moment except when I worried I might throw up (I never felt sick! I'd just heard a lot of stories of women barfing during childbirth) so I kept the car window rolled down just in case. I started feeling real proud of myself when the nurses started showing up in my room to tell me how impressed they were with how well I did, how they had never seen anything like it, etc. It was really helpful to have Rosie as my advocate in the hospital. I couldn't have done it without her.
And I couldn't have done it without you, Carol! You're an amazing and dynamic person and I learned so much from your class. Thanks again- Kirsten V.

Rosie Peterson, Kirsten's doula, wrote out Kirsten's birth story. Here it is:
September 29, 2009 at 6:22am Severin Rose entered the world. She had her eyes wide open and was quiet as she observed her parents, their familiar voices, the new lighting, and the new penetrating unmuffled sounds. She didn’t need any direction or help finding the breast, her new source of nourishment and comfort. Severin Rose was beautiful! All 8 pounds, 8 ounces of her!
Severin’s mom, Kirsten and I met in the early summer to chat about ‘everything birthy’. Kirsten comes from a family of good birthers. Would she be one? Could she do it? So many questions, unknowns, anxious moments. Well, pregnancy itself was a breath of fresh air at least! Being pregnant was something she now knew she could do and she did it as gracefully and swimmingly as any I’ve been blessed to witness.

Mom went to HypnoBirthing classes with Carol Yeh-Garner. I went along to a few classes until Jacob got home from Iraq and could attend. I witnessed a birth of a family on many levels. During Kirsten’s pregnancy Jacob was away for many months serving our country. When Jacob returned he and Kirsten took few days away from house remodeling, family and doctors; they retreated to Laguna Beach. As he and Kirsten reunited before Severin was due to arrive a new family was born.

They returned just in time for a visit with Jacob’s mom. Then Jacob had one day of work before……Paternity leave!

Monday, September 28, I went to bed at 11PM wondering, "Would Kirsten call tonight?" The phone rang at 1AM. Kirsten said she had started having different type surges (contractions) after lunch. She and Jacob had dinner and she tried going to bed but could not sleep – this was her first clue that she was in real labor! She didn’t want to disturb Jacob, who was sleeping soundly. Could I come over? I was there just after 2AM. Kirsten was "going deep" with each surge when I got there - using her HypnoBirthing relaxation automatically. She made it look easy, it was HARD work, labor always is. But she was quiet, peaceful, breathing, opening. It wasn’t long before surges were longer and then longer until there was not much break. She was a little fearful when I got there thinking that they were going to get much harder. But I reassured her that they just keep doing this. "They just stay like this. And you keep doing one at a time. They get closer, longer, and I know that you will do those (feared future surges) just as well as you are doing now." And she did. Soon Kirsten said she felt the urge to push at the peak of the last surge. We moved to the bathroom, where she was going to sit on the toilet and then maybe take a hot shower. But on the toilet things changed. It was time to head to the hospital. We left at 3:30AM.

The only vaginal exam Kirsten received was upon admittance because Kirsten was fully dilated! Her bulging bag of water promptly popped, splashing across the bed. There was a little meconium in the waters but there were no extra procedures or ill effects from the mec. Baby’s heart rate was perfect and stayed that way. As the hospital staff rushed around doing things like drawing blood, placing IV, getting file started, the doc and the neonatal nurses came in thinking baby was going to come immediately. But S-L-O-W D-O-W-N! Kirsten wished for a calm, quiet, peaceful, dim room to birth in. This was not it. She stayed in Labor Land, her birthing space, until all the folks calmed down and left us alone. Kirsten’s angel nurse, Tina, turned down the lights. I turned the music on low. Kirsten gently nudged her baby down, down, down, moving into different positions as her body directed her, she was as quiet as a prayer and as gracious a birthing mama as any baby could hope for! Soon her nurse took off the External Fetal Monitor and monitored baby intermittently. They had read Kirsten’s Birth Plan and were following it explicitly.

Jacob was glowing with love for his woman. He whispered in her ear and privately they labored on together. After side lying for pushes on one side and then the other, Kirsten swatted for pushes and could soon feel her baby’s head. She reached down between legs in between contractions and felt a furry, swishy little head. When the neonatal nurses (baby nurses) and the doc came in to join her for the final push, they were all smiles and you could tell they enjoyed witnessing a rarity in their hospital, their technology driven, modern medicalized institution. They were witnessing a normal, natural, sweet, slow, birth! Some said they had never seen such a birth. For others it was rare. For Kirsten it was LOUD, because as quiet as the room was, her body was working like never before, it took her intensive concentration to listen to her body and follow its lead, to let go of her baby. Birth power is strong, but also doable – just ask Kirsten.

Kirsten was ready to go home with her baby within the hour. When she found out she would be staying for 48 hours she was shocked and disappointed. I reminded her that she was in charge – the lady boss! Her baby was hers, legally, spiritually, and in every other way. So whenever she wanted she could leave. She stayed for 24 hours and is home now– enjoying her new status as Mommy, her new precious baby girl Severin, and her new status of Courageous Woman Warrior and Birther Extraordinaire!

It was my honor to be a friend and a witness in the days leading up to and the day of Severin’s birth. Congratulations to Kirsten, Jacob, Severin, the grandma’s, grandpa’s, aunts, uncles, neighbors and friends!

God bless you always, Rosie Peterson, the doula 760-740-2455

Thank you, Kirsten, for allowing me to share your birth story & thank you to Rosie, for sharing your version.

www.AWellLivedLife.Net
www.AWellLivedLife.blogspot.com

Day One

Yep. It's here. Back to day one, square one. The unwelcome visitor sneaked up on me this evening. Right on time. As per bloody usual. 

I decided to have a long hot lavender bath to soothe away the ache and frustration. I put the radio on and soaked in the bubbles for a good hour. I'm feeling so sleepy now that I have no energy to get upset about AF showing up. Though I'm feeling on the edge right now. But I'm just going to get to sleep so I can go to my early morning yoga session. I know I will feel so much better after that.

The one good thing about AF showing up is that I will actually get to use the fertility tracker bracelet I just ordered. I had thought when I ordered it a few days ago that the unthinkable might actually happen and then I won't have needed it at all.... ha ha yeah right. Anyway check it out, I ordered one with a silver tag that says 'hope' on it. 

Hey, if I have to go through this IF crap, I might as well get some nice jewelry out of it.

I'll explain the bracelet in my next post and why I decided I needed one.

So day one is here again. Next week I'll be preparing for IUI round three. And. Here. We. Go. Again....

Limbo Time

I hate this time. I feel AF coming but I need to pretend that there is still a chance. So I convince myself that until the unwelcome visitor shows there is still hope. But. AF always comes and this time is probably no different. 

Ugh. I feel blah and blurgh and mleurh. Wish things could be different. Wish it would just happen for us. Yes I have no patience anymore. After this cycle it will be two years. Two years of trying. I'm all out of patience. 

Q & A

When people leave me a comment on my blog and they ask me a question I can never make up my mind where to reply. Should I email them directly with the response? Should I add another comment with the answer? I wonder (procrastinate?) about this for a while and then forget to reply to the question. So in the spirit of the new year and new year resolutions here is a post of my replies to all the questions so far asked in 2010:

On 2nd Jan, IF Optimist said: I would love to see a pic of the outfit you chose for your big night out. Any chance we can see a pic?

Well, none of the pics I took on NY Eve came out well, since ooops, forgot the flash. But here is a pic of the dress I wore:

Note: This is not me in above pic. I am definitely NOT this skinny. This dress is far more filled out when worn by yours truly. I always forget that when ordering from catalogues....

And these are the boots I wore with the red knitwear dress above. 

It was great to wear this dress on a cold winter evening, I was very snug. But it was not so great on a hot dance floor later on. Dancing, central heating and knitwear don't mix well.... well, not without a lot of sweat anyway.

On 6 Jan, Kate asked: What exactly is rammed earth?

Rammed earth is exactly what it sounds like, with a bit more technical knowledge in the mix. It is the earth from the ground, that is compacted down under pressure and this is used to build the main structures of the house. It is really a fantastic material as it is thermally insulating, meaning it stays warm in the Winter and cool in the Summer. It also has a whole load of other beneficial factors. The builders will ensure the right quantities of earth, water, lime and whatever else needs to go in the mix, they do all sorts of analysis on the earth to check its content and suitability for building. It is very exciting to think that the earth on our land will one day form the walls of our home.

This is a great book for learning more about rammed earth building. Also if you google 'rammed earth' you will see some beautiful examples of rammed earth designs.

In Morocco, homes were traditionally made from the earth, but more and more people associate this with poverty and backwardness and opt for modern houses made from concrete. However concrete is just totally unsuitable for the environment here in Morocco. It heats up so fast in the Summer and loses heat rapidly in the Winter. Which means air-conditioners and central heating systems have to be on longer and work harder, which means higher utility bills, and more damage to the planet. The manufacture of cement also produces massive amounts of carbon dioxide and so concrete is one of the most polluting materials in the world. I hope one day the rammed earth method of building will become popular in Morocco again.

On 7 Jan, Missy wrote: I just saw a House Hunters in Morocco on HGTV and thought of your new house. I know you are building something new, but are you going to incorporate some of the old designs in it? 

Absolutely. Moroccan inspired designs are some of the most beautiful in the world, in my opinion. From the geometic tiles, to the elaborately carved plaster and wood work, the bright colours, the handmade lamps, the Arabic arches.... aaah so much inspiration!  

2010 looks like....

So far things are going well with my resolutions for 2010. I am praying. Religiously. Ha! I also went to yoga this morning. After two months of no yoga, I have lost so much flexibility.

 I haven't had any chocolate.... well that's not strictly true, I made some chocolate truffles for a dinner I am giving this evening and I just HAD to try one to make sure they were good. You see it was just a chef's obligation, I won't actually be eating any tonight. Absolutely honest. 

On this theme I am also expanding my culinary repertoire with a few new dishes tonight. Will share recipes and pics tomorrow. So all in all I am quite satisfied with my commitment to a new 2o10, noting it has only been 5 days. 

Mr. T and I are also busily arranging the next phase of our life. We are doing this with or without baby news this year. We are going to start (God willing) building our house this year. Deep breath. This is not our actual house, but a small house that will later function as a guest house/Mr.T's music studio, once we can afford to build our planned home. But nevertheless it's very exciting. It means we can live on our land, out in the beautiful Moroccan countryside, which is where we feel most at peace. We are building the house out of rammed earth, which is a fantastic material that is environmentally-friendly (as opposed to concrete, which has a massive carbon footprint) and keeps the house warm in winter and cool in summer. We are going to install water re-cycling, solar panels and are looking into reed-beds for sanitation. I can't wait to start planting my organic garden and getting to breathe in that fresh country air on a daily basis.

Though until all that happens there is a lot to do and so I will keep a photo diary of how it all progresses. In the meantime I am sharing some of the plans, sketches and models we have been playing around with. Hope you like them!

The concept floor plan. The office will flip to the back of the house with extra room for storage and the outdoor dining table will come to the front. 

Here is the floor plan in clay. We decided to make a model so we can really see how everything works and flows.

Here is Mr. T on the sofa. With the open plan kitchen in the back.

And here he is again at his desk.

My little sketch of how the outside might look.

And finally our collection of magazine cut-outs for inspiration.

May 2010 look like a finished house!

Where I've Been

This post is inspired by Murgdan over at Conceive This. I saw her 2009 year in review post and I thought to myself in order to appreciate how far you've come you've got to look back to where you've been. So here is my 2009 life roundup (aka the TTC saga):

January: Spent the new year skiing, which I was able to do once AF had shown up and so I knew I wasn't pg. A BFN with a silver (snow?) lining, for once. Started homeschooling a young student for a couple of hours a day, as that's all I felt I could handle. Mr. T turned 30 and I started freaking out about having children before I turned 30. Lots of crying.

February: Hit the big time IF depression. Crying nearly everyday. It has been a year since we started TTC. Mr. T has been trying to turn his MFI around with supplements, exercising, acupuncture and regular sleeping patterns for three months. My depression got so bad, Mr. T called my mum and suggested we go back to the UK and stay there awhile, do more tests and get more advice.

March: While at home, I do a hair mineral analysis test and find out I am one toxic lady, suffering with toxic levels of lead and high levels of copper. Eeek! Proceed to do major detox which makes me very ill for two weeks. One of the worst experiences of my life. Really really down in the dumps now. See top reproductive specialist in London, who tells us we will very unlikely get pg without ICSI. He is quite unhelpful and ICSI seems to be the only word he is able to say. I get even more disheartened. Then I have a dream about a blog where I can talk freely about all this crap I am going through. In my dream the blog is called 'The Pitter-Patter'. I wake up in the morning and I create this blog.  

Just days after I get great material for a new post: I have a hysterosalpingosonogram (an experience I hope I never have to repeat) and run into Kate Moss. In the end my reproductive lady bits are given the all clear.

April: Still in UK, I am continuing to detox but with less side effects now. Though we have to take a two month break from TTCing while I detox. Mr. T does his 2nd SA and we have better news. Not great. But better. He goes from 11 million little swimmers to 16 million and motility much improved. The lifestyle changes seem to be having an effect. I am getting into blogging now and discovering so many amazing IF bloggers. I realize I am not alone and I begin to feel better. I have finally found people who understand me, who totally get it and won't judge me for bursting into a mass of hysteria when I get AF cramps.

May: Very much in limbo as not meant to TTC. Get back into work full-time, do yoga commitedly and start acupuncture. However by next ovulation the TTC started again, as I have no patience or self-control in these matters.

June: This was the month that AF came late and so I POASed with a glorious BFN at the end. A few days later I was fishing around in the trash to double check the stick, which all led to some confusion and false hope. So we decided to take a step up the ladder and look into IUI. Finding the right OBGYN in Morocco was an experience in itself but finally found the lovely Dr. B. If it wasn't for him, Mr.T's varicoceles might never have been diagnosed. Indeed this was the month we found out that there was more to Mr.T's MFI than bad lifestyle habits. Then came the joyous day of the IUI. OMG. I don't think I will ever be able to forget that hellish day for the rest of my life. The whole experience was disastrous and led to an extremely long post detailing the indignity and ridiculousness of it all.

July: Went to Paris for the first time in my life. Was very excited about eating, shopping and sightseeing for the ultimate TWW distraction until Mr. T told me the couple we were traveling with were expecting. Ugh. However I did have a great time and also gained some, ahem, weight. Damn those Parisian patisseries! Sadly the TWW ended in 2 BFNs and AF arriving on my birthday. Not a good time. Many many tears. Now super motivated to get these sperm in to shape since they couldn't do their job even with a substantial head start, I got on the phone to a specialist in UK to enquire about varicocele embolization for Mr. T. A few days later we were in the hospital and after a few hours mission embolization had been accomplished! We now just had to cross our fingers and wait. 

August: Work had really intensified and I was running around madly but glad for the distraction. Then unexpectedly a new furbaby came into my life right on the day AF showed up. Tigerlily has been such a joy I now can't imagine life without her, she is very much my substitute human baby. Mr. T and I start Ramadan, which is really hard in the hot month of August. But we get through another month of waiting to see if the embolization had any effect. 

September: Mr. T discovers nocturnal scrotal cooling and renders our picnic ice-packs no longer usable for their intended purpose. I realize that if I don't get pg this month I will not have a baby before I turn 30. I go into meltdown as this really really upsets me after all my careful life planning. (Since IF, I have since realized there is no point in making any life plans.) I get a real bad case of the no baby yet blues. And then AF arrives on time and I realize I will be in my thirties before I get to be a mother. It sucks. In fact, it still f@**ing sucks. 

October: We go for IUI round 2. This time it goes much better than the first with improved swimmers on Mr. T's side. We do two IUIs back to back and so we are very very hopeful. Time passes and I have a lot of work to do. AF starts to get late. However I have a lot of cramps and so I swing from being hopeful to throwing in the towel. Eventually 15 DPO I buy pregnancy tests only to have AF turn up two hours later. Go figure. It was over.

November: I am now working from 8am til gone midnight, seven days a week. I have no time to blog, to see friends or TTC. Everything takes a back seat. I work and work and work to make the event I coordinate a success. When it's all over I am completely exhausted and get the flu. I spend a week in bed.

December: I venture back into the blogosphere. I want to find out what I have missed and get back into contact with everyone. I am keen to start TTCing again. Desperate. In fact. The month off in November and failed IUI the month before hit me hard and the desire to get things moving again really takes hold. Just before Xmas, Mr.T gets his first SA done since the embolization (5 months to be exact). The news is good. Very good. We go to my parents for Xmas. I eat and sleep and refuse to touch a computer. I needed the rest and break from the world. On the last night of 2009 we dance the night away. 2009 sucked, I can't wait for it be over. 

When I look back over my 2009 year in review, there is so much sadness and hope amounting to nothing. There were good things too, like starting this blog, finding new friends and having Tigerlily come into my life, but overall I would say 2009 was characterized by heartache. But I got through it and now we have some positive news to see in the New Year. 

2010 you have to do better.

 You really wouldn't have to try too hard either. Is one BFP asking too much?

An inspiring HypnoBirth at home

This is a HypnoBirthing birth story from the Heather Hilton, a HypnoBirthing practitioner & homebirth midwife in Austin, TX.

Hi Friends,
I stood witness at the most amazing birth this morning (12/11/09). Mom took HypnoBirthing from me (and Liz) and I was her midwife. She was totally committed to a natural, peaceful, home birth. Her due date came and went...and went....and went. According to her last period she was 43 weeks on Tuesday (although when it was all said and done, baby looked more like 41 weeks).

Labor started slowly on Wednesday morning. By Wed. evening she was in active labor. She labored all Wednesday night, all day Thursday, making tiny signs of progress along the way. Labor continued into Thursday night, and mom was totally relaxed and calm. She had to be upright during her surges, and spent most of them either standing or sitting on the edge of her bed. She would drop her head and just breathe and you could see her entire body melting down into the sensation of her surges (contractions).

A visualization that came when I was talking her through one of her surges was a golden light flowing flowing into the top of mom's head, through her body, down through her baby, out the top of his head and out through her birth path. We focused on her allowing her breath to follow the path of that golden flow of energy and it seemed to really work for her. In fact, I was shocked when I checked her and found her to be almost 9 cm because by the looks of it I thought we were not progressing at all. When I asked mom about it later she said that she was also shocked because she said she felt the most relaxed and like it had not gotten more intense at all leading to that point.

Her membranes released naturally in the early morning and shortly after that she climbed into the birth tub. Again, I thought things had stopped. She was draped over the tub and her back was to me and she was totally silent. Then after about an hour, she turned around and said "this is really intense now." After that, she was pretty much silent the whole time. She was so totally inside herself.

She allowed her body to push all by itself and kept me updated about how low her baby was. Dad sat in the tub behind her, applying pressure to her back and patiently waiting. At one point, she asked if the burning feeling was ok, and I explained that it was just the stretch of healthy tissue and to allow it to stretch and open. She did.

Baby was born into daddy's hands in the water. It was so incredible. As soon as the baby heard his parents voices, his eyes popped open!! He was totally calm and alert, just looking around and taking it all in. NINE pounds three ounces!! 22 inches. No tearing! First baby. So so so so amazing. I had to share!

Blessings, Heather Hilton
www.hypnobirthingtexas.com

Congratulations to this family! Thanks, Heather, for sharing this inspiring story!

www.AWellLivedLife.Net
www.AWellLivedLife.blogspot.com

New Year Resolutions: The 2010 Series

I usually don't make new year resolutions, since I usually have no intention of keeping them. But this year I figured that if I posted them on my blog I may be more motivated to at least try. I decided to stick to seven resolutions as this is more realistic than a long list that will be forgotten by next week. So here goes:

1. To keep up with my prayers. I have found it hard to pray since all our IF trauma began but I now resolve to put that aside and start doing my prayers. I know I will find this calming and helpful for my state of mind once I get going, I just have to get myself into it again.

2. To go to yoga three times a week and dance twice a week. I will do some form of sporting activity everyday even if it's just going for a walk. This does not include sex, that's an optional extra ;)

3. To only have chocolate once a week. Over the holidays I have gorged on the brown stuff aplenty, my addiction is in full throw now and I have had chocolate everyday for a month now. Yes my jeans are feeling a little tight. So I need to go cold turkey. As of tomorrow no more delicious dark stuff for 2 weeks. Then I can reintroduce it just once a week on a special choc choc day.

4. To have date night with Mr. T every week. This means no TV or other distractions, just us and a romantic dinner. Though Mr. T will have to agree to this and I will have to get him to ignore his email for an entire evening - not an easy task, though I have my methods....

This usually works.

5. To cook more. I would like to eat in more and try some new recipes to expand my culinary  repertoire. If you have any healthy, preferably veggie or fish, recipes please send them to me. Although any really delicious must-have recipes will be gratefully received even if they are a bit naughty and not so healthy!

6. Knitting. I have started. My mum got me started with a few gifts over Christmas and spent boxing day teaching me to knit. I love it. I am totally addicted and can't stop. It is really relaxing and gives me a great sense of well-being, even if I am not very good yet. I have started on a simple throw with some fluffy cream wool and I hope to be making all sorts of things by the end of 2010. Please let it be baby blankets! So my resolution is to keep knitting, to get good and start making useful things soon, otherwise our apartment will be full of the useless rectangles of knitwear I am currently experimenting with. I think a special post on my knitwear creations may be upcoming... ugh that sounds dull, I promise to try to make it interesting.

7. And finally to laugh more and have more fun! Mr. T and I agreed on this a few days ago, we decided that this is what we really want out of life so we need to make sure we have more of this in our lives.

I have not included any TTC or baby-related resolutions. I do not want to set any rules or standards by which I think I should feel or behave. My IF emotions change all the time and I have to be free to find coping mechanisms to deal with these. Though I want to set certain limits for the ways I cope with IF within these resolutions, which means no gorging on chocolate when I get a BFN or am down with the baby-blues and no refusing to talk to God when I am angry about my IF predicament. I've done nearly two years of this now and I think it's time to set some boundaries for my own well-being. 

However, all of this will have to begin tomorrow, since I have spent all of today in bed sleeping, eating (yes, chocolate included), and watching nature documentaries on TV. Well I did dance my socks off last night and we did get home after 3am so I think starting my new year resolutions on January 2nd is perfectly acceptable. Ooh, it's nearly midnight. Better have that last bit of chocolate.