The Rollercoaster

Sometimes I feel like I'm riding a roller-coaster.

Sometimes I'm in that calm bit where the roller coaster is just slowly but determinedly climbing up, click-clack-click-clack, and I'm just enjoying the view - calm and serene.

And then comes the rush and I am having so much fun, a bit scared but loving the exhilaration.

This is how I feel when we begin a round of TTC.

Then before I know it I'm upside down and feeling sick, confused and disorientated.

This is mid TWW when I start to lose my mind.

And then it comes to the end. Oh. Can we go again?

Simple Things

Today I am thankful for simple things. Things that make life good even when you feel the storm closing in around you.

Smiles. The best form of communication.

Plants. I love my two frangipani trees. I have been growing them since June. They are really shooting up now and I can't wait till they get their first flowers.

Kisses. Lots and lots of kisses. Kissing is good for the soul.

I'm sure I've posted on that before! Well I've been told I'm a pretty good kisser....

Time. I am thankful when I have time to myself to do things I want to do. Like blog. Or knit. Or swim. Or cook. Or just be. Contemplating. The things that make me happy.

The House Post

So as some of you may know we started building our very first house this year. In fact it was the one thing that kept me going after the miscarriage as it gave me a project to throw myself into and I felt/feel like I'm creating something for our future.

About two years ago we bought a piece of land outside of Marrakech. It had beautiful views of the Atlas mountains, it had 70 olive trees, some almond trees, pomegranate and carob trees too. We fell in love with it and dreamed our dreams of bringing up our little family in the house we would one day build on the land, when we could afford it. Now as you all know, life doesn't always work out as planned. The babies didn't come. The money we needed took a little longer to earn than we thought. Then our car broke down and we had to buy a new one, so that delayed things on the money front again. And still the babies didn't come. Then the money situation was looking better and we could finally build the first small house. I got pregnant and it felt like everything was coming together. When I lost the baby I fell apart. But the one

shining light that kept me going through it all was the dream of this house, a dream that was starting to become real.

The house we are building is a small house, that will eventually act like a studio/guest annex when we can save up enough to build the main house. We are trying to be as environmentally-friendly as possible and so the house is being built out of adobe brick with as little cement as

possible. (Since cement has a massive carbon footprint.) The only cement that has been used is in the footings of the house and for the roof. We have our own well for all our water needs, we will have a special waste water system that filters everything back into clean water for watering the garden - and we are looking into permanent magnet technology to help generate some of our energy needs. Anyway enough talking, I'll let the pictures speak for themselves:

Outline of the house.

Making the adobe bricks.

Looking onto the front door.

Fireplace in the living room.

Bookcase niches.

Looking out the front door.

A roof!

Me walking on the newly set roof.

Can't wait until there are more photos to show and the house starts to look more like a home. It has all been worth the wait.

Homeopathic recommendations for pertussis & the flu

This information was shared with me by Willow Tipton, DIHom, local homeopath, regarding homeopathic pertussis & flu prevention. If you're looking for alternatives to getting immunized with a shot, this is some very helpful advice. I've personally had great success with using homeopathic remedies for illnesses & symptoms with my family. Hope you find it helpful too!

All my best--Carol

Here is information from her newsletter about pertussis:

Homeopathy Highlights
News From Learn Homeopathy Now August 2010
www.LearnHomeopathyNow.com (760) 942-3440

Remedy Highlights - Respiratory Help

Pertussis, also known as whooping cough has been making the news more frequently
as there has been outbreaks in schools. Interestingly, it's been affecting
those who have been vaccinated and not. Homeopathy has been hugely successful
in helping pertussis as well as similar difficult respiratory coughs.

This highly contagious bacterial disease derives its name from the "whoop" sound
made from the inspiration of air after a cough. Pertussis in infants or young
children is characterized initially by mild respiratory infection symptoms such
as mild coughing, sneezing, or runny nose. After one to two weeks, the coughing
develops into uncontrollable fits, each with five to ten forceful coughs,
followed by a high-pitched "whoop" sound as the patient struggles to breathe in
afterwards. Coughing fits are sometimes followed by vomiting. Fits can occur on
their own or can be triggered by yawning, stretching, laughing, eating or
yelling; they usually occur in groups, with multiple episodes every hour around
the clock. The bummer about these coughs, is they seem to linger, but with
homeopathic help, can clear much faster!

The following homeopathy remedies prove useful in cases of pertussis and
difficult coughs. As our advanced students know, you simply match your symptoms
to the remedy. When your symptoms change, change remedies.

Drosera:
Spasmodic, dry irritative cough, like whooping-cough, each cough following each
other very rapidly; can scarcely breathe; chokes. Cough very deep and hoarse;
worse after midnight; yellow expectoration, with bleeding from nose and mouth;
retching. Sensation as if crumbs were in the throat, of feather in larynx.
Harassing and titillating cough in children-not at all through the day, but
commences as soon as the head touches the pillow at night.

Antimonium Tart:
Great rattling of mucus, but very little is expectorated. Velvety feeling in
chest. Burning sensation in chest, which ascends to throat. Rapid, short,
difficult breathing; seems as if he would suffocate; must sit up. Coughing and
gaping consecutively. Bronchial tubes overloaded with mucus. Cough excited by
eating, with pain in chest and larynx. Cough and better lying on right side.

Arsenicum album:
Unable to lie down; fears suffocation. Air-passages constricted. Burning in
chest. Suffocative catarrh. Cough worse after midnight; worse lying on back.
Expectoration scanty, frothy. Wheezing respiration. Cough dry, as from sulphur
fumes; after drinking. Restless & anxious, better warm drinks.

Hepar Sulph:
Cough troublesome when walking. Dry, hoarse cough. Cough excited whenever any
part of the body gets cold or uncovered, or from eating anything cold. Croup
with loose, rattling cough; worse in morning. Choking cough. Rattling, croaking
cough; suffocative attacks; has to rise up and bend head backwards. Anxious,
wheezing, moist breathing, asthma worse in dry cold air; better in damp.

Ipecac:
Constant constriction in chest. Difficult shortness of breathing. Continued
sneezing; coryza; wheezing cough. Cough incessant and violent, with every
breath, to the point of vomiting. Chest seems full of phlegm, but does not yield
to coughing. Bubbling, rattleing sounds from chest. Suffocative cough; child
becomes stiff, and blue in the face. Whooping-cough. Croup.

Phosphorus:
Cough from tickling in throat; worse, cold air, reading, laughing, talking, from
going from warm room into cold air. Sweetish taste while coughing. Hard, dry,
tight, racking cough. Congestion of lungs. Burning pains, heat and oppression of
chest. Tightness across chest; great weight on chest. Whole body trembles, with
cough. Pain in throat on coughing.

Rumex Crispus:
Tickling in throat-pit causes cough. Copious mucous discharge from nose and
trachea. Dry, teasing cough, preventing sleep. Aggravated by pressure, talking,
and especially by inspiring cool air and at night. Thin, watery, frothy
expectoration by the mouthful: later, stringy and tough. Rawness of larynx and
trachea. Lump in throat.

Spongia:
Dryness of all air passages. Hoarseness; larynx dry, burns, constricted. Cough,
dry, barking, croupy; larynx sensitive to touch. Croup; worse, during
inspiration and before midnight. Respiration short, panting, difficult; feeling
of a plug in larynx. Cough abates after eating or drinking, especially warm
drinks. Chest congestion, with wheezing, asthmatic cough, worse cold air, with
profuse expectoration and suffocation; worse, lying with head low and in hot
room. Oppression and heat of chest, with sudden weakness.

Pedia Pro by Apex Energetics:
A potentized combination of remedies specific for Pertussis, Diptheria and
Tetanus. Some of the ingredients are: Pertussinum, Drosera, Phosphorus and
few more helpful ingredients like Colostrum. Comes in a convenient spray
bottle.

*Pedia Pro is a prescription remedy, however you can order it thru a
practitioner, or thru Willow's Patient Number by calling Apex Energetics
800-736-4381 and tell them you're ordering under patient number P2502 (Willow
Tipton) with a credit card. They will ship directly to you.

If you are looking for just the pertussis nosode homeopathic remedy, you can find it from www.homeopthyovernight.com or from Celletech.com - however, for my patients, I'm recommending PediaPro by Apex which has pertussinum as well as other helpful cough and lung support remedies as well as immune support. It comes in a spray and is easy to administer - 2 sprays once a day for prophylaxis - 2 times a day
if exposed and 3 times a day if symptomatic. It is considered a prescription, so
to order call 800-736-4381 and order under patient number P2502 and get
PediaPro. They ship fast, usually getting it within a day. Let me know if you
have any questions. 1 bottle goes a long way & should be enough for a family of 4. I recommend giving to people of all ages with the same dosage recommendations except I do not recommend it for breastfeeding infants.
In health
Willow Tipton, DIHom
AjaMed Lifestyle Spa
1349 Camino Del Mar, Suite F
Del Mar, CA 92104
858.793.1104
www.ajamed.com
willowdihom@gmail.com

www.learnhomeopathynow.com (760) 942-3440

Here is information about homeopathic flu prevention & treatments:
Calm Down & Stay Relaxed!

While the media creates a scared frenzy regarding pandemics, you can feel
fortunate that you know about homeopathy. We personally know of one story of a
man who was given homeopathics for severe flu symptoms. By the time his blood
work confirmed that he did in fact have Swine Influenza, the remedies had worked
and he was symptom free. If you should become sick, using your notebooks from
Homeopathy Level 1 & 2 classes, just match your symptoms in choosing the remedy
- as you've already been taught to do.

You can also make the following Bach Flower Essence combination to increase your
emotional sense of well being: Aspen, Cherry Plum, Crab Apple, Mimulus, Star of
Bethlehem and White Chestnut.

Sending Light,
Shelley & Willow

Remedy Hightlights - Flu Help

Swine Influenza is a respiratory disease of pigs caused by type A influenza
virus that regularly causes outbreaks of influenza in pigs. The 2009 flu
outbreak in humans is due to a new strain of influenza A virus subtypre H1N1
that derives in part from human influenza, avian influenza, and two separate
strains of swine influenza. It passes with apparent ease from human to human,
an ability attributed to an as-yet unidentified mutation. As with other flu
like illnesses, Swine influenza is spread as follows: coughing, sneezing,
kissing, touching infected objects, touching nose, mouth and/or eyes with
infected hands. Swine flu does not spread by eating pork. The strain in most
cases causes only mild symptoms and the infected person makes a full recovery
without requiring medical attention and without the use of antiviral medicines -
and is greatly aided by homeopathic remedies!!

The symptoms of swine flu in people are similar to symptoms of regular human
influenza and include fever, lethargy, lack of appetite and coughing. Some also
report runny nose, sore throat, nausea, vomiting and diarrhea.

The following homeopathy remedies prove useful in cases of influenza regardless
of what strain it is. As our advanced students know, you simply match your
symptoms to the remedy. When your symptoms change, change remedies.

Aconite:
Sudden onset of symptoms. Fever and chills, thirsty. Restless and fearful.

Arsenicum album:
Chilly and anxious, restless, yet exhuasted. Nausea with diarrhea and burning
pains. Coughing, wheezing, runny nose and burning symptoms. Thirsty for warm
drinks.

Belladonna:
Red, hot & dry. Fever, sore throat, headache, dry cough and inflammations.

Bryonia:
Aches and pains. Feels worse from any motion. Emotionally grumpy and
irritable. Bad headache and dry cough that hurts the head and stomach. Very
thirsty.

Gelsemium:
Dull, dizzy, body aches, weak and fatigue. Chills up and down the back.

Ipecac:
Nausea, vomiting with clean tongue. Dry spasmodic cough, often causing gagging.

Phosphorus:
Symptoms that settles in the chest. Hoarseness and coughing, thirsty for cold
drinks. Nervousness that's better with company and consolation.

Veratrum album:
Nausea, possible diarrhea and vomitting. Low vitality, dry constricted cough.
Low thirst.

Oscillococcinum:
As soon as you start feeling run-down or have other flu-like symptoms, take
Oscillococcinum. Oscillo® is regulated as a drug by the FDA and is supported by
published clinical studies as well as more than 65 years of use throughout the
world.

Clinical studies show that Oscillo reduces the severity and duration of flu
symptoms.


Influenzinum:
To reduce and prevent symptoms of the flu. Influenzinum is the updated each
year based on the recommendations of the World Health Organization. It contains
a dilution of the same three viral strains as the conventional Flu Vaccine.

FluMax Pro by Apex Energetics:
A potentized combination of remedies specific for Influenza. Some of the
ingredients are: Colostrum, Aconite, Belladonna, Bryonia, Gelsemium,
Influenzinum, Inluenza A & B, Asian Influenza A, Haemophilus Influenza,
Oscillococcinum and few more helpful ingredients. Comes in a convenient spray
bottle - see photo above.

*FluMax Pro is a prescription remedy, however you can order it thru a
practitioner, or thru Willow's Patient Number by calling Apex Energetics
800-736-4381 and tell them you're ordering under patient number P2502 (Willow
Tipton) with a credit card. They will ship directly to you.

Willow Tipton, DIHom
AjaMed Lifestyle Spa
1349 Camino Del Mar, Suite F
Del Mar, CA 92104
858.793.1104
www.ajamed.com
willowdihom@gmail.com
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thanks so much for sharing your wisdom, Willow! I really appreciate it! I'm attending your Bach Flower Essence training this Monday, September 27th, & am looking forward to being able to share that knowledge with my HypnoBirthing clients.

All my best--Carol Yeh-Garner
www.AWellLivedLife.Net
www.AWellLivedLife.blogspot.com

I'll Do Anything

To have a baby. I pretty much will. Even if it involves a thousand people inspecting my uterus... wait I think that has already happened. Even it involves discussing my husband's sperm with the whole world.... oh no wait with the help of this blog, I think I've pretty much done that too. Even if it involves me eating meat when I haven't done so for twenty years, being a life-sworn-close-to-militant vegetarian, I would eat meat if it would help me have a baby. And last night I did! Eat meat I mean, not have a baby.

I am now no longer a herbivore but officially a carnivore! This is so unbelievable and I think demonstrates the lengths I will go to get pregnant and stay pregnant. Okay I know eating meat doesn't sound like a sacrifice, or even half as bad as having thousands of people look up your vagina. But to me it's a massive deal. I became a vegetarian on principle when I was ten years old. And I have never wavered in all that time. So last night was a momentous occasion, I had to get psyched up and talk myself into it - I just kept repeating that I was doing it for the baby, doing it for the baby, doing it for the baby... and before I knew it I had eaten four lamb keftas! I have to say they tasted gooooood.... and it wasn't as traumatic as I thought it would be. Though not calling myself a vegetarian anymore is very strange indeed. It was such a part of my identity and now I feel like I am leaving that part of me behind. Perhaps to welcome the new phase of my life that I have wanted and dreamed about for so long?

So welcome to any ICLWers who have visited my blog for the first time. Today you visit on a momentous day! The start of my life as a meat-eater and hopefully a more healthy-able-to-get-pregnant-and-stay-pregnant woman. The first step in the new plan. Accomplished.

Now for the rest.

The New Plan

I have to say my trip to UK was quite stressy. Lots of things went wrong. I felt very crappy.

The biggest thing being we couldn't get half the blood tests done we needed to because the lady who made our appointment messed up BIG time. We had specifically told her that we would only be in the country for a few days and so needed to make sure we could get everything done that was necessary - we asked if there were any days or times in my cycle that we needed to be there so we could get all the comprehensive testing done. She booked us in for Friday. So we meet the Doc on Friday and he arranges for all these tests. At the lab we get told that most of the tests needed can only be done on Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday as they need to be sent to the lab in Chicago. They can't be sent on Friday as it means they will arrive on Saturday and nobody will be available to do the testing until Monday, so the blood will have expired. Is this some kind of bad joke? We went back and forth to try to figure out what to do, but the only thing was to re-book our flights. This meant more hotel, parking and flight costs. It was just too much so we decided to just do the tests we could and then return at later date for the other ones.

Very very frustrating as that was the main reason we had come over. I was fuming with the receptionist. Then to top it all off, the car we had borrowed was clamped. After we had spent close to 100 GBP (US$ 160) on parking already.

But before I dwell too much on that. I should talk about the things we did achieve. We both had blood taken for karyotyping, I had my bloods taken for ovarian reserve testing and a load of infection screening. I had an internal exam with saline solution to check for polyps and other irregularities - that was clear. I also had an endometrial biopsy performed. However we still need to do bloods for auto immune issues - those are the really interesting tests, which now have to wait. Oh and we also found out about my misplaced ovary - which I'm not really sure how problematic that is.

But. I also went to another doctor who does things outside the box. He is a qualified MD but a specialist in applied kinesiology amongst other things. And to make a long story short he told me that I have to start eating meat. I have been a vegetarian for twenty years. TWENTY YEARS. I eat fish but no meat at all. A vegetarian diet is good for some people but not for me, he said. Genetically I am programmed to eat meat. He told me that as I am blood type 0 and as a result of a number of other tests he did, I have to eat some red meat. He said that by not eating any red meat that I am killing myself. It was like someone had slapped me across the face.

After a number of other tests he told me that I also have a big problem with wheat (who doesn't?) and that I have significant heavy metal toxicity - which I also found out with hair mineral analysis last year. He told me that I need to take 6 weeks off TTC and do his protocol to flush out the heavy metals, replenish my Vitamin B6 (which is virtually nil) and cut out inflammatory foods. Then after 6 weeks I will get re-tested and we will do a pro-conception plan. So I decided to go for it. I've felt quite crappy the last few weeks so I know something is up. I want to be pregnant so bad but I also want to be healthy and pregnant. That is paramount. So I can take 6 weeks off to get healthy.

However it will be a real challenge as first and foremost I have to eat meat. The doc wants me to eat lamb - no pork, chicken or even beef. Just a bit of lamb a couple of times a week along with the fish that I eat. I have decided I will do it, but I keep putting it off. My mum is so sweet and is very sympathetic to my situation and is going to prepare a bit of lamb for me for my first time. I know this might sound very silly and pathetic but for me it is a very big deal. But it's not only meat. For six weeks I have to cut out wheat, dairy, tomatoes, eggplant, potatoes, peppers, citrus fruit and tropical fruits. When I read this list I was like OMG that's my whole diet! So have been feeling a bit distressed as every meal time is such a challenge! My mum is going to design a weekly menu for me (she is a nutritionist) and I just keep telling myself that it is just for six weeks.

So that is the new plan. Six weeks of a very restrictive diet plus supplements, walks everyday and saunas to flush myself of metals. Plus I have to drink about 3 liters of water a day. I pee a lot. And I suppose I will for the next 6 weeks. I keep thinking to myself Mr. T really committed himself to a new healthy lifestyle and has made such improvements - I can do it too. Yes I can. (Even the meat. I think.)

Dude, where's my ovary?

Seriously. Lots to tell you about my doctor's appointments but I am so so tired. I will fill you in soon. But for the moment I will just share with you the strangest bit of news that happened when I was having a scan. It must have been my gazillionth scan of the last two years, so all pretty routine, when the doctor told me my right ovary was in the wrong place. Err.. what?

My right ovary has apparently moved towards the left and is sitting behind my uterus. WTF? How could all those people who have seen inside my uterus over the last year (and that is a lot of people) not have noticed this? Indeed the fact that this is the first time any one has mentioned this leads me to believe that this is a new development. That it has just started wandering. Or has it? Could it be that the position of my misplaced ovary was never picked up on? The doc seemed to think so. He said that ovaries don't usually move around that much. So did my ovary move or has it always been in the wrong place?

Just one of the many questions arising from my trip. I want answers damn it! Not questions!!

A HypnoBirthing announcement--Kimberly & Matt

Kimberly & Matt took my HypnoBirthing classes at Babies by the Sea Boutique on Tuesday nights in March/April 2010. They originally planned to have a hospital birth but decided after a few classes that they would prefer to have a homebirth.

Here is their birth story:

Hi Carol... I wanted to share our birth story with you. My husband Matthew and I took your classes at Babies by the Sea Boutique in March/April. We were due to have our baby in mid-July but she surprised us and came about 2 mos. early!!!

While taking your classes we realized we really wanted to have a waterbirth at home and hired Gerri Ryan at your recommendation. We were soooo excited about our new birth plan and we had a wonderful pregnancy with no complications until late at night on May 16th when my water released unexpectantly. In a state of shock, I called Gerri and she told me to get to the hospital immediately. We rushed over to Scripps Encinitas where they informed me I was having contractions and all at once we lost just about all control of our situation. They gave me magnesium to stop the labor and antibiotics to prevent infection. They also gave me shots of steroids to help the baby's lungs develop since we knew she was going to be early. The magnesium kicked my butt... I couldn't even roll over in bed without assistance!!!!

It was at this time though that I realized how truly valuable the HypnoBirthing techniques are.... I was having surges the next day while laying in the hospital bed and Matt would talk me through them with visualizations. It was so amazing to see how much faster the surge would pass with his help rather than just trying to breath through them. His touch and voice truly relaxed me.I stayed at the hospital on strict bedrest for the next 10 days... on day 10 I started having surges again. This time baby was coming!

I listened to my HypnoBirthing cd through the whole birth. It was not the calm waterbirth we planned to have at our house but it was the best it could be with the situation we had to work with. Gerri could not be our midwife any longer in the hospital but she was our doula and was a great help. I used the birthing ball as best as I could with all the machines hooked up to me and Matt again used visualization and touch techniques to help me. It was an incredible experience.

The doctor and nurses continuously tried to convince us to use pitocin to induce even when I was 9 cm dialated but we held them off and were able to have a natural birth with no epidural. I was not in the ideal position and did end up doing "purple pushing" at the end but I know the HypnoBirthing techniques helped me greatly to deal with the situation and not just give in to everything they wanted to do. I was able to relax for most of the labor and never once considered not doing this naturally. I am so happy for that.

Our daughter... Samantha Rianne... was born May 26, 2010. She was over 7 wks early and had to stay in NICU for 3 wks. However she is amazingly healthy and such a calm and peaceful baby. I know HypnoBirthing really helped her to be so happy and calm. I look forward to the next pregnancy!!!

Thank you Carol :)
Kimberly M
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Congratulations Kimberly & Matt! Continue to enjoy your babymoon! I'm so glad that even though your birth didn't go exactly as planned, the HypnoBirthing techniques helped you remain calm & relaxed so you could have the best birth experience possible.

Take care & thanks for sharing your birth story!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

For more information about HypnoBirthing classes in San Diego, please visit Carol's website at www.AWellLivedLife.Net. For more information about HypnoBirthing classes outside of San Diego, please visit www.hypnobirthing.com

For more information about Gerri Ryan, LM, CPM, Kimberly & Matt's midwife, please visit www.centerfornaturalbirth.com

www.AWellLivedLife.Net
www.AWellLivedLife.blogspot.com

Amazing News!

Oh my oh my. I don't know where to begin. But first let me calm those enthusiastic optimists - No, I'm not pregnant. Not. But. Do you remember when I posted about Mr. T's first SAs? Remember when we first heard that he had only 4 million sperm/ml, and then that went to 11 million sperm/ml - and the "expert" doctor we went to said it would never be enough to get me pg and it would never improve much???

Well. After the varicocele embolization in July of last year things improved. In December he did an SA and for the first time Mr. T had sperm within reference levels at 36 million/ml. There were still some motility problems but it was much much better. And with an IUI I got pg a few months later. But since we hadn't had any good news since the chemical pregnancy Mr. T decided he better check again to make sure the achievements he made hadn't been undone over time. But. Ladies, and the few gentlemen who read this, we got his latest SA result yesterday and. Drum roll please..... 61 million sperm/ml!!!! Excellent motility! Excellent forms!!

Oh my oh my! We never thought this would be possible from 4 million two years ago to this, it's amazing! We are both so pleased. And shocked. So much so that Mr. T called the lab twice to make sure they hadn't mixed up his pot with someone else. They laughed at him. And reassured him that the sample was his. Though they asked him to come back and do another one to make sure it wasn't a fluke as they were shocked too!

So now, the problem may really lie with me, we will see. Wouldn't that be typical? We solve one problem only to have another develop? Anyway we start uncovering that tomorrow. Off to my first appointment tomorrow morning. Nervous and pleased at the same time. Wish me luck!

Feeling a little

Just one of those days.

Appointments

I have them! Lots of them! Next week I have an appointment with two doctors. Both with different approaches to medicine and health and both probably not given the time of day by conventional health practitioners. I am really excited about the amount of testing they will do, as it will be so extensive that if anything is not right, I'm confident it will be diagnosed. This is what we need. When it comes to my health and fertility I don't want to play guessing games anymore. What I needz is information!

The first doctor is Dr. Shohet who practices functional medicine and kinesiology. My mum recommended him - apparently he has an amazing success rate with IF - and since my mum (who is a nutritional therapist) suspects I have a copper toxicity problem this would be the doctor to identify it and treat it. Copper toxicity is really interesting, when I read the profile of a copper toxic person I felt like I ticked all the boxes. The main problem with copper toxicity is that too much copper stops you absorbing zinc, which as I'm sure most are aware, plays a central role in fertility well-being. So it doesn't matter how much zinc is in my diet, I won't be absorbing it, which of course would have all sorts of repercussions. So it will be interesting to see what Dr. Shohet has to say about all that, plus anything else he might find in me or Mr. T.

The following day we are off to see Dr. Gorgy at the Fertility & Gynecology Academy. Dr. Gorgy follows the Dr. Beer approach to immunologic infertility (see the book in the previous post). A friend of mine had an appointment with him this Summer so I am fully aware of what to expect. An hour of going over our case history (I have already started gathering all of our paperwork and test results together), followed by an internal exam and extensive blood work. Dr. Gorgy tests for EVERYTHING. My friend had 15 vials of blood taken and so did her husband. I phoned my insurance company and thank GOD, they are paying for the consultation and all the tests. The consultation is 'only' 120 pounds (US$ 184) but the tests will come to around 2000 pounds (US $ 3071). Ouch. Pretty much all the blood gets sent off to Chicago and some others go to Greece, apparently these two labs are the only ones that do this kind of testing. I have to say my insurance company have really been paying out since we started TTC (and so have we when they wouldn't cover it). Though they have made it clear they won't pay for any treatment that may be required once the test results come through. Ugh. So I guess we'll cross that bridge when/if we come to it.

My idea is to get as much information from both doctors as possible, with their different perspectives, when the test results come in we'll know what we're dealing with and then reflect on how to move forward. A little nervous about finding something serious that prevents us moving forward as if it's something that requires an expensive and/or invasive treatment I know I will refuse. But I'm NOT gonna think about the what ifs now - just gonna focus on the appointments themselves and getting as much out of them as I can.

Plus my skillful planner side has come leaping out and I have peppered our flying IF investigations visit to the UK with appointments for other exciting things! Like our bed. Our first bed that is really and truly ours! Since we are in the process of building our first home (more on this soon), I have been doing lots of research (particularly after I lost the baby) into toxic chemicals especially ones found in the home. Apparently most beds and mattresses (let alone sheets, towels and furniture fabrics) off gas dangerous chemicals such as formaldehyde, which is a known carcinogen and mutagenic (i.e causes birth defects). Along with a whole host of other dangerous chemicals (or VOCs, volatile organic compounds). Now not wanting to go majorly overboard here, I selected a few items in our new home that because of the frequency of contact and prolonged use should be as non-toxic as possible. These include our bed, mattress, sheets, towels, wall-paint and carpet. I have managed to find companies that produce organic and/or non-toxic furnishings and paint for the home. It is really amazing what is out there and what people are coming up with. So I am going to try out the bed and mattress we have picked out from this very cool company called Abaca (check them out!), also I get to look through all the organic fabrics to choose one for our headboard which will be made at Harlands Organic Furnishings, then I get to test the carpet for our bedroom from Alternative Flooring (I have chosen this pure wool one in Seashell, so soft!). Also I will pick up all our tester pots of paint from this amazing company called Ecos - their paints are the only ones in the EU that are entirely non-toxic and formaldehyde free. They even have paints that actually purify the air by absorbing the toxic chemicals in your home, how amazing is that! And a paint that absorbs electro magnetic radiation too! No-way dude.... but yes. I have learned so much about the alternatives and the dirty truth of what is in our standard paints and furnishings it's a little scary.

So all in all it will definitely be an information-filled trip - I'll probably be suffering from information overload by the end of it. But really. Really, really. In the end all I want from it is to hear that every thing's okay and that I will have a baby. But I suppose only a fortune-teller can tell me that. And I don't have an appointment with one of those.

Slight Change of Plan

After my last post on Sunday morning, I got out of bed and quickly found myself feeling dizzy with all of my limbs aching and I was having difficulty moving around. I got back into bed complaining of everything feeling tired, me, my body, everything felt exhausted. I fell back to sleep for another 6 hours. I woke up and still felt crap. The next morning the same thing but not as acute. Anyway it turns out I had severe menstrual fatigue.

Menstrual fatigue is caused by low levels of hormones. I went to the doctor and found that my blood pressure was also on the low side too at 100/60. So he prescribed some Arginine to boost my energy levels, and it's been working, so I'm feeling better. But. I am now really concerned as to why that happened in the first place. So instead of attacking this cycle with clomid and an IUI, as planned (I even have the clomid in my handbag at this very moment) I want to do some more investigations into my general health and also the possible reasons why I miscarried, before embarking on any TTC hoopla.

Two things happened that made me change my mind about this cycle. The first was the menstrual fatigue and what might be interfering with my hormone levels - several tests to be done there. The second was a book a friend gave me called 'Is your body baby friendly?' by Dr. Alan Beer, which looks at immunological disorders as causes for miscarriage and unexplained infertility. Yes, Dr. Beer's approach is controversial among some circles but after reading the arguments it makes a lot of sense to me. And what I love is that this is the first Dr. I have come across who really gets what I'm going through - the pain, the distress, the hopelessness - but also the respect he has for the women who have been through IF hell and become experts in their own right and who often know more about their own fertility than the doctors treating them.

There is a part in the book which really really struck a chord with me:

The words "unexplained", "nothing more than chance" and "bad luck" are not consistent with medical terminology that is used to describe the majority of health disorders. This lottery language makes losing a baby sound like an accidental catastrophe: an indiscriminate and random act, like being struck by lightning or hit by a bus. Why, when we are dealing with the loss of a life and the utter devastation this creates, is the use of such words acceptable in modern medical practice? Beyond this, why does there seem to be little interest in finding out what exactly could be causing so many pregnancies to fail?

One woman recalling the events surrounding her miscarriage commented, "I wish when we lost our first baby, we could have had quick and easy testing that told us what went wrong. Then we could have done something that would have prevented it from happening again. But that's not the way it works. Sometimes the only way to know there is a problem for sure is to lose another baby. I hate that and am troubled by the practice."'

After my silent miscarriage and the chemical pregnancy, I know I really couldn't face another - so why not get tested? Then at least if there was anything I could get it fixed sooner rather than later and if there isn't then my mind would be somewhat at ease if I were to get pg again. It is insane if you think about it, that you are forced to have 3 miscarriages before they will even begin to consider something might be wrong. I am definitely saying NO to that.

The book is amazing and I have already read nearly 70 pages today. One thing that stood out for me and that has really made me question and reflect a lot today is this sentence which Dr. Beer repeats throughout the book: 'The reproductive system is incredibly overbuilt for success and when it fails, something is surely wrong.' Not that a miscarriage is bad luck but that there is something wrong and it needs to be investigated. Very far away from the 'just try again and hope for the best' mantra I am constantly being fed.

Also while reading the book I was alerted to this: "Dr. Beer has found that adult-onset chicken pox and the Epstein Barr virus are among the worst offenders in causing immunologic infertility." I got chicken pox for the second time three years ago (I know that's meant to be impossible but it turns out not for me!) and so I really want to know if that has had any effect on my fertility. Maybe not, but already down this long IF journey I know it's worth looking under every stone as you never know what you might find (like Mr. T's varicocele). So it's a big step but I want to get to the bottom of things as soon as possible before I continue on blindly. Will start organizing appointments tomorrow. Back in the driver's seat again. Let's see how far we get down the road this time.

A HypnoBirthing announcement--Brooke & Matt

Brooke & Matt took my HypnoBirthing classes at Babies by the Sea Boutique on Tuesday nights in May/June 2010. Here is their birth story...


The birth story of Grace M

We had been given several different due dates during my pregnancy because I switched doctors; the earliest of which was Friday July 16th. So when I started having mild surges Saturday afternoon on July 10th I made the assumption it was just false labor and that I had been doing too much and needed to relax. Matt and I had a very mellow Saturday and at 3pm I took a two-hour nap, which I think was a Godsend considering what the next 24 hours held in store for me!

The surges continued all Saturday evening and around 9pm I got into bed to watch a movie and try to relax. At this point, the surges felt like typical menstrual cramps; somewhat uncomfortable but not painful. I downloaded an app on my iPhone and started to time the surges (yes, there is an app for that!!) because I knew from class the difference between false labor and real labor was whether the surges were coming in a consistent time frame for at least an hour. The surges were kind of all over the place – it would go from 10 minutes apart to six minutes back to 10 minutes, etc. This further confirmed my thinking it was just false labor. Matt came up to bed around 11pm and was surprised to find me awake and timing surges. I told him I thought it was still just false labor and we went to bed. I was able to sleep, or at least rest, between the surges until around 3am at which point I was just awake and trying to rest and remain calm since I was starting to think we had a long day ahead of us. I was listening to the rainbow relaxation CD on my iPod this entire time, which helped me stay focused on keeping my body limp and relaxed.

Around 6am on Sunday morning I could no longer stay in bed and moved to sitting on the toilet, which was comfortable and helped keep my pelvis open. This is when we called my sister-in-law Kelly (who is a midwife), and she confirmed that since the surges had been coming since Saturday afternoon, I was definitely in labor. She booked a ticket on the next flight out of San Francisco and was landing in San Diego at 10:20am. She was originally scheduled to fly down later in the week to act as our doula at the birth.

Matt drew a bath for me and I labored in the tub for about an hour while he got the bags and everything ready to go to the hospital. Around 8am we called the doctor’s office and as we expected my doctor was still on vacation so his backup called us back. She said if the pain was too much we could head to the hospital so I could receive an epidural, but if not to wait until the surges were about 4 minutes apart for an hour. The surges were fairly intense at this point, but I kept breathing through them and it really wasn’t too bad. It was actually quite an exciting time because we knew our baby was coming and everything we had been preparing for was happening!

As far as we could tell, when we called the doctor the surges were ranging from 4-7 minutes apart. We had a really hard time timing the surges because they start off mild and then get more intense and then get mild again before stopping. This being said, it was hard for me to tell exactly when they were starting and stopping which made timing them very difficult.

Around 9am, I had showered and Matt had the car loaded and everything ready to go to the hospital. We didn’t want to go to the hospital too early so I laid down on the couch and kept listening to rainbow relaxation on my iPod and trying to relax. Around 9:45am, during one of the surges my water broke while I was on the couch. At this point, the surges were ranging from 2-4 minutes apart, and now that my water had also broken we decided we should head to the hospital.

It happened that we were ready to go to the hospital at the same time my sister-in-law was landing at the airport. Rather than her having to take a cab all the way to Encinitas we decided to pick her up at the airport and then head straight to the hospital. Like I said before, our thinking had been we didn’t want to get to the hospital too early so at the time it just made sense that we’d pick her up. And since I had been laboring on the couch, the front seat of the car didn’t seem too different. ;) We live in the Kearny Mesa area so I ended up laboring in the car for about 40 minutes.

We picked up my sister-in-law at the San Diego airport at 10:20am and headed up 5 North to Scripps Encinitas hospital. During the drive, I had the front seat fully reclined and was lying on my side which felt better than on my back. My feet were up on the dash and I had the window half way down because the fresh air felt so good. I’m sure people driving by thought it was a strange scene! I was listening to rainbow relaxation on my iPod this whole time and was continuing to breath through the surges. My instincts told me I was in pretty intense labor at this point but still the surges were manageable as they don’t last that long. And the breaks between them, albeit short, were still wonderful! When we pulled up to the hospital, Matt actually asked if I had been having surges during the car ride because I had been lying there with my eyes closed and not making any noise! I kind of chuckled and said, “Yes”!

We checked into the hospital and it took some time to fill out the paperwork, etc. I declined the wheel chair they offered me because it felt much better to stand during the surges. As we got to our labor and delivery room around 11:30am I was starting to feel intense pressure like I was nearly ready to start pushing! The nurse checked me upon arrival and I was 8cm! Considering this was my first birth I didn’t really know what to expect so we were all really excited with this news! The nurse gave me a hospital gown but I had brought a robe from home that I preferred to wear which she was fine with. Once I had changed I sat on the birth ball and leaned against the hospital bed while the nurses did all the initial tests/monitoring to me. The fetal heart and contraction monitors were attached around my stomach while I sat on the birth ball. The plan had been to do the initial monitoring for 20 minutes and then have everything removed so I could move around (this never happened since things moved along so quickly). At 37 weeks I had tested positive for Group B Strep. I had been doing some natural at-home remedies, but still had to get a dose of antibiotics when we arrived at the hospital. They gave me the antibiotics while they were doing all the other initial monitoring things.

We requested the nurse check me again a little before noon because I was feeling such intense pressure and felt ready to start pushing. At this point, I was now standing next to the hospital bed doing the modified downward dog position with my hands on the bed because I could no longer stay seated on the birth ball. Once the nurse checked me again and confirmed I was to 10cm I moved onto the bed to start pushing. It was noon when I started pushing.

Right away the doctor confirmed she could see the baby’s head, and I was trying to push the head to pass under my pubic bone. After about 20 minutes of pushing and between surges the doctor checked me and then asked us when our last ultrasound had been. Both Matt and I were so confused and told her it was at 19 weeks when we had the anatomy ultrasound. After this she told that was not the baby’s head we were seeing and it was her bottom! We were all in disbelief as my doctor had confirmed at my 37-week appointment the baby was head down, and then again at my 38-week appointment the nurse practitioner had felt my stomach (because my doctor was on vacation) and also said the baby was head down. The doctor immediately suggested a c-section and we asked for a few minutes to discuss it privately. As my sister-in-law is a midwife and has delivered breech babies, we did consider trying to still do a vaginal birth, but in the end we decided to be conservative and agreed to the c-section.

Grace was in the Frank breech position, which is where her legs were straight up so her feet were at the top of my stomach and were kicking in the same area she would have been had she been head down. And then since her head and bottom are both firm, it did feel like it was her bottom at the top of my stomach. Regardless, it was disappointing her breech position hadn’t been discovered earlier so we could try some things in order for her to move positions, but in the end if she hadn’t moved we probably would have scheduled a c-section. I’m glad this didn’t happen because as crazy as it sounds, I am glad I got to experience labor as it was such an amazing experience; emotionally as well as physically. So after all of this Gracie was born at 1:05pm via c-section! She came out alert, healthy, and crying loudly!

I don’t know how I remembered, but after the c-section they were getting ready to stitch me back up and I recalled a section in Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth book that discussed the importance of having the uterus sutured in two layers rather than the one layer method which is currently popular in the situation of a c-section. I asked the doctor if she was going to sew me up in one or two layers, and after telling me they routinely do one layer, she asked if I would prefer her to do two layers. I told her I would. Per Ina May’s book, this will help the uterus stay stronger and increase the likelihood of having a successful VBAC in the future.

The doctor and nurses were all so wonderful, and we were very happy with Scripps Encinitas hospital all around. They were completely supportive of everything we wanted and were very familiar with HypnoBirthing. Everything with the baby was in-room so Grace was never out of my sight. They even brought her to me while I was still on the operating table after the c-section. I really appreciated this.

I definitely think your HypnoBirthing class helped make Grace’s labor as great as it was! Due to all the training and practice I was able to remain very calm and relaxed throughout the entire time I was laboring which I believe helped ease the pain and helped speed labor along. The doctor told me after Grace was born I would be an ideal candidate for a VBAC; something I will definitely consider when Grace gets a little sibling. And even though the c-section was an unexpected turn of events during Grace’s birth, I think taking the HypnoBirthing class helped us meet this calmly and I still have such positive memories from our birth. Thank you so much for all your support and advice throughout the pregnancy! We appreciate all that you taught us and are so glad we took your class!
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Thank you so much for sharing your story! I think it's so important for people to realize that HypnoBirthing helps in whatever situation comes up during your birth experience & that it's not "just" for natural births. It can be extremely helpful during c-sections as well.

Congratulations on the birth of baby Grace! Continue to enjoy your babymoon!

All my best---Carol Yeh-Garner
www.AWellLivedLife.Net
www.AWellLivedLife.blogspot.com

For more information about HypnoBirthing, please visit Carol's website at www.AWellLivedLife.Net or go to the main HypnoBirthing website at www.hypnobirthing.com.

Something Snapped

As expected I POASed yesterday morning just to get another glorious BFN and then AF showed up punctually, as per, this morning. So another month goes by, another set of hopes crushed and I get ever closer to October. I dread to think what kind of emotional wreck I will be when THAT day comes along.

I started hyperventilating when I realised that after turning 30 (that was an emotional fuck-wit of a day which thankfully you all missed due to my blogging hiatus - I was a crumpled heap of tears and kleenex the day before my birthday, it was not a pretty sight) that if nothing happens by October I won't even have a baby before I turn 31 and then that will turn into 32 and on and on it goes. At which point Mr.T snapped at me: stop talking about numbers! It's all just numbers and it doesn't mean anything - stop putting this pressure on! To which I yelled back: IT'S ALL FUCKING NUMBERS! EVERYTHING! How many sperm you have - What number day I am on my cycle - what level my hcg is..... I always hated Maths.

For a moment we were quiet. We held each other and then started whispering our infertility mantras 'we have each other', 'i love you so much', 'we'll try again', 'it's not fair' - our monthly attempts to comfort ourselves. But something snapped this month. For both of us.

We decided to embark on a more aggressive path. Mr. T will go in for another SA. If all turns out okay we will start on an IUI but this time with drugs. For me. Oh yay. Since it's CD1 today, I'll head into the clinic tomorrow to check out what my options are. I'm presuming it's most likely to be clomid. Urgh. My anti-drug, mother-nature-knows-best principles are just flying out the window here.

But. There is a big emergency stop button here. If this doesn't work out, we will not pursue anymore treatments for a while we may even stop actively TTC. Neither of us feel that we have the emotional strength to pull through anymore bad news. Mr. T even feels (I will too most likely) that even if I did get pg he couldn't celebrate it as he would be terrified for the first 3 months - there is so much fear it's exhausting.

So if/when the emergency stop button gets pushed we will start actively pursuing adoption. The bottom line is we need a little person to love. And there are so many little people out there that need love. I have friends here in Morocco that run orphanages for abandoned babies and that's where we're gonna start looking into the process. Then our biggest challenge will be paperwork instead of our uncooperative bodies.

Deep breath. These are big steps for us. But we have to move forward. We have to.

I'm Still Here

My blog is alive! I almost thought that when I typed in the web address it wouldn't come up. But here it still is and here I still am. I had planned to start blogging again months ago. But there was/is just too much pain and when I write it forces me to face it.

Partying, staying out late, busying myself with the build of our new home (yes it actually started and we even have a roof now - more to come on that later), and generally distracting myself with movies and tv, allows me to be free of the sadness and pain I still feel and I can pretend if just for a short while, that everything is okay and that I am happy with my child-less/free (delete as preferred) life.

But I suddenly felt that a dose of facing up to things, a spot of emotional truth and candour was needed. Yes there have been good times. I feel strong, I laugh, I rationalize. But there has also been tears, shouting, despair and the sharp stabbing of unhealed grief. Night time is always the worst. I miss my baby so much. I often think of what should have been. I should have been 36 weeks pregnant by now. I should have been almost due. Everyone tells me not to do this. And deep down I know there are no should haves. Only what is.

But there is also what will be. And that is sometimes harder to deal with. I was hoping I might be lucky and get pregnant quickly after the miscarriage. But that didn't happen. We tried another IUI - nope. God that hit me hard. A whole day in bed, in a dark room and a pillow full of tears. And everyone else's pregnancy and birth announcements roll in. Why can't I just be happy for my friends for fuck's sake? I mean they're my friends and just because they have babies doesn't mean that they are taking away my chance to. But perhaps I'm angry cos it's me who's on the wrong side of the statistics. And there's the ever-lurking fear that I will never get pregnant again.

Over the last 3 months I must have taken 10 pregnancy tests. Each one a Big F@*king Negative. I practically blinded myself under a halogen light trying to make sure there was no faint line that normal daylight was unable to reveal. And that is depressing. That I am back to square one in crazy TTC world. Squeezing my boobs at the end of the TWW, thinking that every time I feel tired or nauseous I could be.... I'm so terrified of not being pregnant at the end of the TWW, as I await the emotional onslaught the inevitable BFN will bring.

And it's heightened tonight as I write this post as I'm at the end of a TWW now. I don't even want to test or know. I just can't face another negative. If anyone tells me to be patient I might punch them. So you see, I'm back. Screwed up, neurotic, depressed and infertile. Deja-f@*king-vu.