My blog is alive! I almost thought that when I typed in the web address it wouldn't come up. But here it still is and here I still am. I had planned to start blogging again months ago. But there was/is just too much pain and when I write it forces me to face it.
Partying, staying out late, busying myself with the build of our new home (yes it actually started and we even have a roof now - more to come on that later), and generally distracting myself with movies and tv, allows me to be free of the sadness and pain I still feel and I can pretend if just for a short while, that everything is okay and that I am happy with my child-less/free (delete as preferred) life.
But I suddenly felt that a dose of facing up to things, a spot of emotional truth and candour was needed. Yes there have been good times. I feel strong, I laugh, I rationalize. But there has also been tears, shouting, despair and the sharp stabbing of unhealed grief. Night time is always the worst. I miss my baby so much. I often think of what should have been. I should have been 36 weeks pregnant by now. I should have been almost due. Everyone tells me not to do this. And deep down I know there are no should haves. Only what is.
But there is also what will be. And that is sometimes harder to deal with. I was hoping I might be lucky and get pregnant quickly after the miscarriage. But that didn't happen. We tried another IUI - nope. God that hit me hard. A whole day in bed, in a dark room and a pillow full of tears. And everyone else's pregnancy and birth announcements roll in. Why can't I just be happy for my friends for fuck's sake? I mean they're my friends and just because they have babies doesn't mean that they are taking away my chance to. But perhaps I'm angry cos it's me who's on the wrong side of the statistics. And there's the ever-lurking fear that I will never get pregnant again.
Over the last 3 months I must have taken 10 pregnancy tests. Each one a Big F@*king Negative. I practically blinded myself under a halogen light trying to make sure there was no faint line that normal daylight was unable to reveal. And that is depressing. That I am back to square one in crazy TTC world. Squeezing my boobs at the end of the TWW, thinking that every time I feel tired or nauseous I could be.... I'm so terrified of not being pregnant at the end of the TWW, as I await the emotional onslaught the inevitable BFN will bring.
And it's heightened tonight as I write this post as I'm at the end of a TWW now. I don't even want to test or know. I just can't face another negative. If anyone tells me to be patient I might punch them. So you see, I'm back. Screwed up, neurotic, depressed and infertile. Deja-f@*king-vu.
