As expected I POASed yesterday morning just to get another glorious BFN and then AF showed up punctually, as per, this morning. So another month goes by, another set of hopes crushed and I get ever closer to October. I dread to think what kind of emotional wreck I will be when THAT day comes along.
I started hyperventilating when I realised that after turning 30 (that was an emotional fuck-wit of a day which thankfully you all missed due to my blogging hiatus - I was a crumpled heap of tears and kleenex the day before my birthday, it was not a pretty sight) that if nothing happens by October I won't even have a baby before I turn 31 and then that will turn into 32 and on and on it goes. At which point Mr.T snapped at me: stop talking about numbers! It's all just numbers and it doesn't mean anything - stop putting this pressure on! To which I yelled back: IT'S ALL FUCKING NUMBERS! EVERYTHING! How many sperm you have - What number day I am on my cycle - what level my hcg is..... I always hated Maths.
For a moment we were quiet. We held each other and then started whispering our infertility mantras 'we have each other', 'i love you so much', 'we'll try again', 'it's not fair' - our monthly attempts to comfort ourselves. But something snapped this month. For both of us.
We decided to embark on a more aggressive path. Mr. T will go in for another SA. If all turns out okay we will start on an IUI but this time with drugs. For me. Oh yay. Since it's CD1 today, I'll head into the clinic tomorrow to check out what my options are. I'm presuming it's most likely to be clomid. Urgh. My anti-drug, mother-nature-knows-best principles are just flying out the window here.
But. There is a big emergency stop button here. If this doesn't work out, we will not pursue anymore treatments for a while we may even stop actively TTC. Neither of us feel that we have the emotional strength to pull through anymore bad news. Mr. T even feels (I will too most likely) that even if I did get pg he couldn't celebrate it as he would be terrified for the first 3 months - there is so much fear it's exhausting.
So if/when the emergency stop button gets pushed we will start actively pursuing adoption. The bottom line is we need a little person to love. And there are so many little people out there that need love. I have friends here in Morocco that run orphanages for abandoned babies and that's where we're gonna start looking into the process. Then our biggest challenge will be paperwork instead of our uncooperative bodies.
Deep breath. These are big steps for us. But we have to move forward. We have to.
