This perfectly captures how I feel.
AF arrived yesterday morning, so the hope is gone. It was a bad day. I had hoped against hope but... Sometimes it feels like it's never going to happen for us. Thoughts about living a life child-free have crossed my mind, thoughts about accepting our infertility and moving on but... I know there is still hope, Mr. T only had his embolization in July. There is everything still to play for. I have to keep telling myself that. Perhaps that should be my new mantra.
Oh and then someone I know sent this around in an email:
My response was, but neither can anything else! Then I started to imagine what if chocolate could get me pregnant? I'd have a family like 'cheaper by the dozen' by now! Oh my, I really am going loopy, imagining that an inanimate food stuff could somehow fertilize these lonely eggs of mine.
I've also decided that for my own sanity I need to stay away from facebook with all the baby and pregnancy announcements it's all a little too raw and I also think I need to keep my distance from IRL babies too... At the moment I can't trust myself not to crumple into an emotional mess of tears and streaks of mascara. I don't mean to offend any of my friends with babies, I just need to protect my heart, it is a little fragile right now.
To top it all off I had a horrendous phone call with someone to do with work today. He was thoroughly unpleasant to the point of being nasty. I have to play it nice though and keep it civilized, when all I wanted to say was 'Bite me asshole.' But whatever shake it off, right? People like that go through their lives miserable and horrible individuals. I get to wake up in the morning and be me, with all the wonderful blessings I have in my life.
So I will go to bed now and wake up in the morning telling myself:
There is everything still to play for. There is everything still to play for. There is everything still to play for. Hopefully if I say that enough times I'll start believing it.
