... two pink lines on a stick. No kidding. That's what my dream was about last night. It was so very real and the elation I felt so palpable that I woke up feeling happy and excited. But as I lay in bed processing this all, I thought to myself, here is where I go to the bathroom and find out that the fat red lady has begun her number. Because life is just that mean. But she hasn't. Yet. Though the cramps are growing stronger by the day.
In fact last night after my evening bath, I broke down. The cramps are just too strong and too familiar so I threw in the towel and had a good cry on Mr. T's shoulder. He kept telling me something about 'only 3 months since the embolization', 'are chances will get even better', 'we will have children in our lives one way or another'...... but I did not want to be consoled. I just want to be pregnant.
So I went to sleep with puffy eyes and a little sniffle on my chest and I dreamed. I dreamed of peeing on a stick and I dreamed of seeing two unmistakable pink lines. I dreamed and felt the rush of excitement as I showed it to Mr. T. He was overjoyed. As I raced around the house and woke up everyone (a weird assortment of people seemed to be staying at this house) to show them my two pink lines. In my dream I remember keeping the stick in the pocket of my jeans so I could show everyone, and to keep reminding myself it was true. And I woke up smiling. And then I remembered it was just a dream. Just a dream...
AF(?) cramps are coming stronger than yesterday. I feel like I'm kidding myself to cling on to hope that this may be something else. But it's not game over yet. The red lady hasn't sung a note. But I will carry my pads with me today. Because. IF has schooled me. In my dreams I can be a mother. In my dreams I can be pregnant. In my dreams I can even fly. But dreams are just dreams. Life is.. life can be.. mean.
