So last week I went to a clinic in London to have a hysterosalpingosonogram - yeah try saying that with your mouth full. My eyes were immediately drawn to the word 'pingo' in the middle of that ridiculously long label, and it did not fill me with confidence. Images of doctors playing a variation of ping-pong in my uterus, and weirdly enough that little black-and-white fella loved by children the world over, Pingu, waddling around in my womb, filled my wildly-over-active imagination. (I think this is a symptom of the fact that I hate going to see Doctors, Dentists or anything medical. Mainly because I don't trust them, they treat you like you're an idiot and act far more knowledgeable than they actually are. The ones who snort and give a condescending laugh whenever you ask a question, particularly infuriate me. Yeah I had one of those this time. Grrr...)
However I digress. So there I am lying on the chair, legs up in stirrups, with a very al fresco situation going on down below. I cannot tell you how disconcerting it is to be in this position as the two (male) doctors potter about, slapping on rubber gloves and preparing various instruments that can only have been inspired by the Spanish Inquisition. Exhibit A below. After having these articles prodding and probing my lady bits, the doctor says peering over his glasses, looking down at me in that condescending way that only doctors can manage 'Your bladder is quite full. Were you not told to go to the toilet beforehand?' Yes actually, but I thought doing this twice might be more fun. Are you kidding me?
It would be the day that I chose to wear a skirt and tights (pantyhose to my American readers) and boots that take an age to get on and off. So having redressed I climb the stairs to the only bathroom in the building. On my way back to the little room of joy, I see a blonde woman entering the room next to mine. She looked vaguely familiar. Hmm a bit like Kate Moss, I thought.
However the feelings of relief were short-lived that day as I felt very icky and the pain was intensifying. The cramps got stronger and sitting up was a real effort. It doesn't help that the doctors don't really make you feel like you can take your time. When I finally got dressed - with big thanks to my hubbie for putting my tights on (Clarification: he put the tights on me, not on himself) - I wobbled out the door, and a lovely receptionist told me to take a seat and rest a while until I was ready to go home. And she brought me a much-needed cup of herbal tea.
A few moments later one of the doctors reappeared and asked me to sit upstairs. The receptionist explained that I just needed to rest while I had my cup of tea. He insisted 'just go on upstairs. Go on you can sit upstairs.' Thinking it was a bit weird but not really in a state to disagree, we picked up our things and clutching my hubbie I went upstairs. As I sat down in the waiting room, feeling very spaced out, a moment of clarity hit me. I turned to my husband 'Hey we were just asked to leave 'cos Kate Moss is downstairs. I saw her when I came back from the bathroom.' Now not only was I feeling wobbly and in pain, I was pissed off too. 'Are you sure?' my husband asked. 'Well let's wait and see. She has to come out this way.'
A few moments later, a slight woman in jeans, with the uniform huge celeb-sunglasses appeared talking on her mobile phone. Yep I was right. She air-kissed the doctor and promptly turned on her heels and walked out of the clinic. Why else would the doctor have been so insistent that I sit upstairs? He asked me to move despite the fact that I was in pain and needed to rest. Then my husband reaffirmed to me why I married him. He just walked straight up to the desk and complained. The woman at the desk said she was sure that's not why I was asked to move. My husband replied 'I'm sorry but that's exactly why she was asked to come up here.' The woman was silent. I am so proud of him. He stood up for me when I really couldn't have done it for myself. We left the clinic without looking back and we certainly won't be going back.
The Bigger Picture: I'm A-okay and that's what's important. A lot of women don't get good news. I did and for that I am thankful. One more step closer to hearing those tiny feet.
