Not since I was 12 years old have I gone a month without the punctual arrival of Aunt Flo. But since my pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage I hadn't had a visit from AF since January. Now she's back. A very welcome visitor, for a change.
It's a weird feeling. First it's exhausting. I keep falling asleep. I have no energy and so I am just riding this wave out - getting over this pregnancy sometimes seems to be never ending! Secondly it's the beginning of the whole TTC palaver again. Something which I obviously want more than anything and there is no way I won't be TTC, but at the same time I am nervous too. When I got pg I thought yay, no more planned perfectly-timed sex, just sex for fun. No more crying when AF turns up and feeling down in the dumps all day, no more aching and feeling left out in the cold as the pregnancy and birth announcements roll in. But. I am back to step one. Back to getting egg and sperm to meet.
I have to admit I was totally and utterly naive and blissfully ignorant when I got pregnant. I HAD read all the pregnancy and birthing books (I had two years of TTC to get ready for this) but I still believed that once conception had actually happened then I would be fine. A miscarriage was definitely NOT on the cards for me. Now of course I know differently.
So. First step one. I know I will be very very upset if I don't get a BFP in the first few months. Everyone keeps telling me how quickly they or a friend or a friend of a friend got pg after a miscarriage - I am pinning so much hope on these rapid post-miscarriage pregnancies. I am trying to steel myself for another long journey but I just shudder when I think about it. So let's just not, okay? So let's just say for argument's sake that Mr.T's sperm are fine and we don't need to do another IUI. I reach step two. Egg and sperm have met. Implantation occurs, I POAS and get my BFP. Then I will be nervous as all hell. Every twinge, every ache. Mr. T is going to be a right pain in the ass - i say that with love. We are going to have to come up with some sort of strategy to get through it as when I reach step two it will all be about getting to that 3rd month and the scan. Head spinning anguish.
I always had in my mind that I would be one cool relaxed mama, just groovin' along with pregnancy and baby stuff (when it eventually happened) - I guess reality had a strong cup of triple espresso waiting for my delusional caffeine-free self. And so the TTC countdown begins again. Hmm feels familiar. Kinda like going back to school after the holidays...
