The last 24 hours have been really strange. But because of what happened it has made me return to my blog. You may have noticed that since my last post about getting on a plane to return home after my miscarriage recovery, that I just disappeared. Like my plane never landed but went into some weird parallel universe, LOST style.
In a way it did. When I got home I just wanted to start everything afresh. I wanted to be happy, chilled and put all the sorrow of the miscarriage and the heartache of the last 2 years of trying to get pregnant behind me. I will always carry my loss and the pain of 2 years of TTC but I am at peace with it all now. I am not angry or depressed as I once was. I really am in a good place and am enjoying my life and loving my Mr. T and my new que sera sera attitude. Part of being in that place was not blogging.
It's weird to admit as blogging has been a huge help to me in the past. But this time I felt it would suck me back into a world I didn't want to be in. I wanted to be free of the TTC worry and drama. I didn't want to get back on the hamster wheel of OPKs, the TWW and the nail-biting ending of the to POAS or not to POAS dilemma. So I decided to go it alone. To get back on the TTC wagon but without thinking about it too much - which meant not writing about it. And then it got all strange. And now I really need the advice of my blogging sisters.
Last week at about 11DPO I POASed and it was negative. Fine. I accepted it. I was not upset. I hadn't expected it to happen on the first month we started TTCing again. So I got on with my life. Exercising and dieting as I am desperate to lose the weight I put on while pregnant and then during my self-medication with chocolate to cope with my pregnancy loss.
Yesterday I realized I was 3 days late. So I thought I would do one more test just to be sure, to get any niggling doubts out of my mind. And. Unbelievably it was positive. There was a clear pink line in the test window. Faint but visible. Looks like I'm pregnant! To say Mr. T and I were surprised would be an understatement. We had got pregnant naturally! But the tale twists.
So we decided to go straight to the clinic and get a blood test to confirm it. A few hours later we had my beta: 9.92 - it's low. It's within the reference range for 4 weeks, but it's low. Last pregnancy I had a beta of 163 at 14 DPO. The Dr. at the lab doesn't think it's a viable pregnancy, or that I'm pregnant at all. He says, there may have been something there but it's gone now. However I read online that it is possible to have a healthy baby even with low HCG levels. But that evening I start spotting. When I awoke this morning I got my period. I went to see Dr. B to clear up all this confusion. He tells me I was never pregnant. That my urine test was not a positive and the 9.92 beta means I was not pregnant. But after speaking to friends and doing research on the internet I think I may have just experienced a chemical pregnancy. A beta of 9.92 is not normal for a non-pregnant woman. And a positive pregnancy test is a positive pregnancy test. My friends who also go to Dr. B think he didn't want to tell me that I just had a miscarriage as he is worried how I will react. I can believe this too. What he said just didn't make sense. Mr. T and I walked out of there even more confused.
If it was a chemical pregnancy, I am okay with it. I am not distraught at all. The reason I want to know is because it would mean Mr. T actually got me pregnant naturally. This is a big deal as it would be the first time egg and sperm met without medical intervention for us. What do you think of this bizarre episode? Did I just experience a chemical pregnancy?
Oh and by the way. It's good to blog again. Thanks for being patient with me :)
