What If?

Today we went to our land. The place of hope, dreams and almonds. We took a picnic. Olives, bread, avocado, hummus. And for desert, fresh strawberries and peaches (just picked from the tree). 

After we consumed our fill, we lay down under the olive trees and my husband rested his head on my lap. We started talking, as we often do, of the future - our future home, our future family.

The tears came. Not because I was sad. I was happy. It's a beautiful dream. But they came out of frustration and a sense of injustice. Nothing is fair in this infertility jungle. That sense of unfairness builds in me so strong sometimes, I get angry. We have so much love to give, we are ready NOW. Yet we must wait. I have to be patient. So after our 2 month break is up, I have to believe it will happen. But what if? What if it doesn't? I asked my husband.

Today we vowed that come the end of this year, come no joyous news, no double pink lines, we will go the adoption route. We decided we want children in our lives, that's the end goal. If we can't create any.... then we should give our love to children who need it. It's a big decision. But I feel at peace with it. I think. I can live with never being pregnant, never knowing what it's like to give birth, never to breast feed a child? Can't I?

Jacaranda Lovely

Drifting off the infertility subject for a moment.... I just wanted to share something wonderful with you. Something magical that happens for only one month of the year. Just for one month of the year something changes in the city of Marrakech. Suddenly it's all around you. Flashes of purple. Daubs of violet. Explosions of colour everywhere. 

I wanted to share it with you before it all disappears into a mass of bright green leaves. Dealing with infertility, waiting for my cycles to pass, I remembered how important it is to appreciate nature's great cycles. The moon, the sun, the seasons. So I just wanted to throw a big shout out to Mother Nature: Thank you for making this time Jacaranda lovely!

AF? Anyone?

Having been a blogger for a month-and-a-half now (woop woop!), I have pretty much got the blogging/infertility abbreviations down. But there's one that, although I know what it means, I haven't a clue what it stands for. AF. 

From previous posts I've read I know it means the start of the menstrual cycle. The day the painters and decorators arrive. Menses. The blob. The monthly cycle. Arsenal are playing a home game. Woman troubles. And since that's where I'm at right now I thought I should really know what it stands for.

I have been thinking it over and over and have come up with some possible solutions to what AF could stand for:

At First

Achy Feeling

Acutely Feminine

Achy & Flustered...

.....but my favourite has to be

Ahhh F*@k!

 this one definitely seems most appropriate for TTCers.

However this month I was totally expecting my unwelcome visitor, after all it's been our first month of not trying, so at least there has been no major heartache involved this time. In fact I can't believe a whole month has passed since the yoga incident (backstory here). A whole lunar cycle.

I love the fact that my body is connected to the moon. That as she changes throughout the month, the shifts in her beauty, her personality, her power - are reflected in me, in us, the women on this planet. I found this website (click here) that relates our monthly cycle to the lunar one and this is what it recommends for my particular time of the month:

The luteal phase is likened to the waning moon. The buildup for ovulation has come to pass and women will benefit from taking time for inner reflection and deep rest. As the energies wind down, taking time to deeply nourish with healthy foods and self care will help with the transition to menstruation, marking the beginning of the new moon, and help to combat PMS.

I like the sound of the deep rest and self care. I'll definitely show this to Mr. T. And if anyone knows what AF really stands for, please enlighten me. I'm sure it's going to be a Durr, Of course! moment :)