Shopping for Baby (when there's no baby)

A few weeks ago I posted about my TTC book journey: the hopeful, the useful and the totally unnecessary. Well I have to admit to you now, that in our happy-naive TTC phase when we were so sure we would get pregnant within a few months, we certainly purchased more than just books. Looking back on that time with cynical infertility hindsight I can't help but ask: what the hell were we thinking? I think the answer to that is, we weren't.

If only.

Once you make the decision to go ahead and try for a baby, all you can think about is babies. And being pregnant and becoming parents. You go a bit baby mad. First my hubbie bought baby clothes he thought were funny and cute. 

Can't say I approve of this one. In fact I think it may even be considered child abuse to put this on a baby but whatever, Mr. T thought it was hella funny. Either way, buying baby clothes before your wife even gets pregnant is not the best idea Mr. T has ever had. Oops.

Then it was my turn. I was sure I was going to get pregnant in a flash (again school sex ed classes had me totally fooled) so I thought I should get some clothes that would grow with me and cover the glorious baby bump. Empire waisted dresses and tops, funky skirts with elasticated waistbands, I was going to be one stylish and comfortable pregnant mama.

So now my closet is all stocked with flowy, loose fitting clothes, perfect for the bump - but, as you're well aware by now, there's no bump (well not one caused by a growing baby anyway). Now they're just good for covering my bloated belly when I've eaten a little too much bread, or pasta, or fries. Hmmm fries.... (Homer Simpson moment):

Okay done.

Luckily I didn't buy from the organic re-usable nappy range I found online. Or the organic wooden baby cot also researched and selected online. Or the organic super-soft 100% cotton bath towels.... So I did stop buying baby stuff before it got too crazy. But I fully admit the other purchases were totally premature and very much prompted by the baby craziness that ensued for about 6 months when we first started TTCing. I hope I'm not alone in having bought baby/maternity things well ahead of time and sadly it seems, unnecessarily. Please somebody have done it too! Then I won't feel like so much of a desperate loser!

And now? Well, I will no longer tempt fate. From now on its platform heels, dresses and tops with a waist (!) and belted trousers.  Will somebody pass me the Victoria's Secret catalogue... I'm bringing sexy back ;)

What If?

Today we went to our land. The place of hope, dreams and almonds. We took a picnic. Olives, bread, avocado, hummus. And for desert, fresh strawberries and peaches (just picked from the tree). 

After we consumed our fill, we lay down under the olive trees and my husband rested his head on my lap. We started talking, as we often do, of the future - our future home, our future family.

The tears came. Not because I was sad. I was happy. It's a beautiful dream. But they came out of frustration and a sense of injustice. Nothing is fair in this infertility jungle. That sense of unfairness builds in me so strong sometimes, I get angry. We have so much love to give, we are ready NOW. Yet we must wait. I have to be patient. So after our 2 month break is up, I have to believe it will happen. But what if? What if it doesn't? I asked my husband.

Today we vowed that come the end of this year, come no joyous news, no double pink lines, we will go the adoption route. We decided we want children in our lives, that's the end goal. If we can't create any.... then we should give our love to children who need it. It's a big decision. But I feel at peace with it. I think. I can live with never being pregnant, never knowing what it's like to give birth, never to breast feed a child? Can't I?

Jacaranda Lovely

Drifting off the infertility subject for a moment.... I just wanted to share something wonderful with you. Something magical that happens for only one month of the year. Just for one month of the year something changes in the city of Marrakech. Suddenly it's all around you. Flashes of purple. Daubs of violet. Explosions of colour everywhere. 

I wanted to share it with you before it all disappears into a mass of bright green leaves. Dealing with infertility, waiting for my cycles to pass, I remembered how important it is to appreciate nature's great cycles. The moon, the sun, the seasons. So I just wanted to throw a big shout out to Mother Nature: Thank you for making this time Jacaranda lovely!