All or Nothing

This is my problem with the TTC game. There is no in between, there is no second place. You either win or your lose. And well, I've never been very good at winning. Coming second yes, runner-up maybe, an also-ran or an honourable mention perhaps, but never a first place trophy. And this is what upsets me so much about TTC. You're either pregnant or you're not. You can't be just a little bit pregnant, or slightly pregnant or close to pregnant. In short, in this game it is all or nothing.

There is no glass (should that be uterus?) half-empty or half-full scenario here. It is either joyfully full or woefully empty.

But getting nothing every time you give it your best effort is frustrating. Disheartening. Demoralizing. I feel like I should at least get a commendation rosette or a certificate that acknowledges my taking part. But not in this TTC game. The best we get is some painful cramps and the arrival of AF. Which is the same as every other woman on this planet who has not even entered the race. Shouldn't we get some special recognition that we tried, that we took part even if we didn't reach the TWW finish line with two little pink lines of our own to show for it?

Well I certainly think so. And I think it should appear on special TTC pee sticks. If you get a BFP it should read Congratulations! Finally! It happened! But if you get a BFN it should read Don't Despair! Keep Trying! But go and have a good cry if you need to. Well that would probably be too many words to fit into the little crystal display window.

No Joy

I POASed. Twice. It was Big and Fat and Negative. Which is actually a lot like I feel - after my gluttonous trip to Paris, and then seeing the test results and getting AF cramps.

What do I say? What do I feel? Numb. No words. Just lots of tears. And anger. And frustration. Another month. Another cycle. Down the drain. This time was meant to be better. This was IUI, our next step up the ladder. We know the sperm got into my uterus. How much of a head start do these lazy sperms need for goodness sake? Why does everyone else's sperm seem to have no problem finding the egg? We've heard so many pregnancy announcements this last month you'd think conceiving was the easiest thing in the world, like putting your socks on. Well, we apparently can't put socks on.

After I got the BFN this morning I took a long walk by myself. We're staying at my parents' place which is way out in the country. Not a soul around. I took the dog and together we walked through the fields of long summer grass and golden wheat. There I could be free and I cried my heart out. A dog is a perfect companion when you need to wallow in self-pity. They don't judge. They don't feel uncomfortable or guilty. They are just there. Plus I could lay down with my head on his lovely soft fur and be reassured by his calming presence. I watched the butterflies, the dragonflies and the plants around me - everything seeding, everything reproducing. I longed to be part of that phase of nature, to play my part in Mother Nature's grand cycle of life. Yes sometimes I get jealous of bugs, plants, the birds and the bees and the ease with which they procreate. We TTC ladies get a little crazy down this IF road and this definitely has got to be the weirdest thing I have so far admitted. Please don't judge me.

The lucky bitch will probably get pregnant after this.

And now I have so many questions. I want to know what went wrong exactly. I was convinced Dr.B did the insemination too late, it was over 43 hours after my injection. Was it too late? Isn't it better for the sperm to be waiting in the fallopian tube before the egg is released, than to arrive after? Was it the stress of that day, with all the BS that happened? (See IUI Drama part 1 if you want the backstory on that nightmare of a day.) Did we not have enough fast swimmers? Should I have relaxed more during the TWW? Or was everything perfect, it was just that it didn't happen, things didn't meet up, it was just not meant to be? I know I could drive myself crazy with these questions. Questions I will never have the answers to.

I realize I had set myself up for a fall with this IUI. I had believed too much. Hoped too much... in truth I had been too positive about it. Now you may think that's a stupid thing to say. To have too much hope. To be too positive. But not when it comes to IF. The probability of getting pregnant is just too damn low - in my opinion you're better off thinking it ain't gonna happen, rather than convincing yourself it will. Better to be surprised than to be disappointed I'm sure.

This was not IVF or ICSI. This was "just" an IUI. Just one injection, a catheter insertion and some mild discomfort, and then a round of progesterone pessaries. A veritable walk in the park for many. But it still hurts to have gone through that discomfort, the hormones and the indignity of our experience, for nothing. I can only imagine how a failed IVF cycle must feel. This is only a tiny fraction of what that must be like and I am truly sorry for the frustration and heartache for anyone who has experienced that, and I know many who are reading this have.

Today I am grateful for the arms that comforted me. For the soft fur of my faithful friend. And the kind and soothing words of those around me. Today it is my birthday. My 29th year. Which makes this all the more painful. All the more poignant. All the more difficult. And today my mother told me that she cannot relate to what I am going through. She got pregnant with me without a problem, and I am glad she did, for I wouldn't wish this heartache on anyone. But she held me, she told me she was sorry and that she wished she could take away my pain. And I wish she could too.

A HypnoBirthing story with Dr. Wonderful

This HypnoBirthing story is from one of my class members that took classes in April 2009. They had Dr. Wonderful (otherwise known as Dr. Biter) as their OB.

Hi Carol,
At last a few free moments to share our baby's birth story with you!

We had an amazing birth from start to finish. In my 38th week of pregnancy, I'd started to feel some practice labor surges in the evening. They would last a couple hours and then stop as I drifted to sleep. This gave me an indication that labor might be nearing.

At around 12am on June 10th, they started again. I tried to sleep through these like the last ones but found myself having change positions and get in and out of bed to manage my way through them. I was so intent on making it to 40 weeks of pregnancy (only 39 weeks at this point) that I couldn't believe this was really the real thing. Pregnancy had been so much fun that I didn't want it to end any sooner than it had to. So after about 2 hours of breathing my way through these surges, I finally woke up Nathan. He started timing them and we saw that we had a pretty consistent pattern of surges every three minutes and lasting thirty seconds long. I was puttering around our apartment in the wee hours of the morning telling Nathan, "There is NO WAY I'm having this baby tonight!". He just smiled and kept timing them. Pretty soon they were lasting 45 seconds and then were over a minute long. I was breathing my way through each surge, leaning on Nathan for physical support, and visualizing my cervix opening.

At about 5 am, the on-call doctor (Dr. Capetanakies) told us it was time to come to hospital. Well, he'd suggested that we come in sooner than that but I was hesitant because our plan was to labor at home for as long as possible. After only 5 hours of labor, I surely couldn't be very dilated. My fear was that I'd only be 2 cm dilated and then would have to drive home. We arrived at the hospital and got situated in our L&D room. A nurse did a dilation check and said, "8 cm, membranes bulging!". I could hardly believe what I'd heard. The other hospital staff turned their heads quickly. "This is your first baby?" "You walked yourself to this room at 8 cm?" After that, they got moving pretty quickly and started bringing in a bassinet and other items for the baby. We labored through some stronger surges for 3 more hours.

I didn't have an IV or other medications so I was able to move around exactly how I needed to. I spent a lot of time rocking through surges on the birth ball, walking in circles, or leaning on Nathan. Nathan made sure I stayed hydrated and reminded me to drink the Gatorade we'd brought. He also read me the flash cards that we'd made together that had inspiring excerpts from other birth stories, comforting Bible verses, and other positive messages. The flash cards were really helpful because they reminded me why a natural birth was so important to us in the first place, and helped me to not get overwhelmed with the intensity of labor.

Around 8 am, I started to feel some downward pressure. I gave in at the end of it and let myself do a small push. That was pretty intense. I told Nathan what I was feeling and he immediately paged the nurse. I leaned on the bed and had another surge. This time I heard an audible burst and felt water running down. Dr. Biter and the nurse were in the room asking me which position I wanted to be into deliver. I had no idea. They asked me to get on the bed and I hobbled onto it on all fours. It wasn't the most comfortable position to be in, but it was the fastest way to complete that request. Dr. Biter asked me to give a few pushes. The surges had tapered off now that I was fully dilated. It was so nice to get a break from them. I wanted to just put my head on the pillow and go to sleep. But I pushed a little bit. Dr. Biter asked if I wanted to flip around and try some on my back in a half sitting position. I was glad for his direction because I had no inclination of what was a better position to be in.

After about 20 minutes of pushing, I heard Nathan say "Oh wow!". The baby's head was out and its size surprised him. Then Dr. Biter asked me to look down and come get my baby. The baby was out of me as far as the waist. This was such a surreal moment. There was a baby half way in, half way out of my body. I reached down and grasped its shoulders and lifted it out the rest of the way and onto my tummy. All I could say was, "Oh my gosh! It's a lil person!" over and over again. Nathan and I both stared just amazed at our baby and all that had happened. I was so relieved. We'd done it together without medication or intervention.

After a few minutes, Dr. Biter said, "Hey let's find out if we have a boy or girl!" We looked beneath the blanket and discovered we'd had a perfect baby girl. The name we'd picked out if we had a girl suited her just right, Helena Abigail. She was born at 8:33 am, weighed 7 lbs 15 ounces, and measured 20 inches long. And no perineal tears for momma (yay!). We're so blessed to have her as well as the care we received from Dr. Biter and his team. Her birth was more incredible than we ever expected. And now we have a little girl we just can't stop kissing from head to toe.

Thank you so much for being a part of our pregnancy journey. I hope many more mothers and fathers will consider birthing their little ones naturally. It was just beyond wonderful for us.

Many thanks, Kelly F

Thanks for sharing your birth story, Kelly! Congratulations & enjoy your babymoon!

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