What do I say? What do I feel? Numb. No words. Just lots of tears. And anger. And frustration. Another month. Another cycle. Down the drain. This time was meant to be better. This was IUI, our next step up the ladder. We know the sperm got into my uterus. How much of a head start do these lazy sperms need for goodness sake? Why does everyone else's sperm seem to have no problem finding the egg? We've heard so many pregnancy announcements this last month you'd think conceiving was the easiest thing in the world, like putting your socks on. Well, we apparently can't put socks on.
After I got the BFN this morning I took a long walk by myself. We're staying at my parents' place which is way out in the country. Not a soul around. I took the dog and together we walked through the fields of long summer grass and golden wheat. There I could be free and I cried my heart out. A dog is a perfect companion when you need to wallow in self-pity. They don't judge. They don't feel uncomfortable or guilty. They are just there. Plus I could lay down with my head on his lovely soft fur and be reassured by his calming presence. I watched the butterflies, the dragonflies and the plants around me - everything seeding, everything reproducing. I longed to be part of that phase of nature, to play my part in Mother Nature's grand cycle of life. Yes sometimes I get jealous of bugs, plants, the birds and the bees and the ease with which they procreate. We TTC ladies get a little crazy down this IF road and this definitely has got to be the weirdest thing I have so far admitted. Please don't judge me.
The lucky bitch will probably get pregnant after this.
And now I have so many questions. I want to know what went wrong exactly. I was convinced Dr.B did the insemination too late, it was over 43 hours after my injection. Was it too late? Isn't it better for the sperm to be waiting in the fallopian tube before the egg is released, than to arrive after? Was it the stress of that day, with all the BS that happened? (See IUI Drama part 1 if you want the backstory on that nightmare of a day.) Did we not have enough fast swimmers? Should I have relaxed more during the TWW? Or was everything perfect, it was just that it didn't happen, things didn't meet up, it was just not meant to be? I know I could drive myself crazy with these questions. Questions I will never have the answers to.
I realize I had set myself up for a fall with this IUI. I had believed too much. Hoped too much... in truth I had been too positive about it. Now you may think that's a stupid thing to say. To have too much hope. To be too positive. But not when it comes to IF. The probability of getting pregnant is just too damn low - in my opinion you're better off thinking it ain't gonna happen, rather than convincing yourself it will. Better to be surprised than to be disappointed I'm sure.
This was not IVF or ICSI. This was "just" an IUI. Just one injection, a catheter insertion and some mild discomfort, and then a round of progesterone pessaries. A veritable walk in the park for many. But it still hurts to have gone through that discomfort, the hormones and the indignity of our experience, for nothing. I can only imagine how a failed IVF cycle must feel. This is only a tiny fraction of what that must be like and I am truly sorry for the frustration and heartache for anyone who has experienced that, and I know many who are reading this have.
Today I am grateful for the arms that comforted me. For the soft fur of my faithful friend. And the kind and soothing words of those around me. Today it is my birthday. My 29th year. Which makes this all the more painful. All the more poignant. All the more difficult. And today my mother told me that she cannot relate to what I am going through. She got pregnant with me without a problem, and I am glad she did, for I wouldn't wish this heartache on anyone. But she held me, she told me she was sorry and that she wished she could take away my pain. And I wish she could too.
