I'm quite careful about who I tell IRL (in real life - love this blogging abbreviation!) Of course any of my friends reading this blog know, but my other friends, family and work people? Then I have to judge whether it's a good idea to spill the beans. But sometimes you just realize it. You feel it. You know it's one of those moments where you can let the cat out of the bag.
And so you take a deep breath. And you tell your story.
Then there's the reaction. And often I find this is the most surprising thing of all. Recently I have confided in people about our infertility, about the pain and the emptiness. And to my surprise they then opened up about their own infertility story. They too had been through the pain, the emptiness and the loss that IF brings. People I had never expected to hear this from. People I had always assumed had chosen to remain childless or to have children later in life. It opened my eyes to the universality of infertility. A tragedy none of us believed would ever happen to us. And yet infertility has been suffered since time immemorial. Sometimes it seems like you are the only one suffering, but the truth is, there is a sisterhood of women out there who are going through the same thing. However IRL we often don't know who they are. They could be our neighbour, a friend of a friend, a co-worker, a woman we pass by on the street. Without talking about it, without being open, how would we know? So most of the time we don't. And many people suffer infertility in silence.
Many people are made to feel ashamed about infertility. Many are made to feel inadequate. There is no getting round it. Society is unforgiving to infertiles, particularly to women. There is little understanding and lots of misunderstandings. And so there is little compassion. But in my opinion the best way to confront this ignorance is to just be frank.
In fact my husband did this last week. Mr. T went to a family wedding and was asked countless times if I was pregnant and then when we were going to have children. His reponse? I'm shooting blanks (yes these are the words he used exactly). And then he went on to explain, all very matter-of-fact, about his varicoceles and his recent embolization. Their mouths dropped in shock at his honesty and forwardness. I love him for this. He is not embarrassed in the slightest. And why should he be? In fact, he thought it was good for his male contemporaries to see that he was not ashamed and that infertility is not something that makes you less of a man.
So I resolve to take more deep breaths. Maybe through sharing my infertility experience others might take some small comfort in the knowledge that they are not alone. And so will I.
