No, it's not a typo. It's a new acronym I just discovered and I thought it deserved its own post. After all it's what this blog is all about:
Trouble Trying To Conceive.
This is what we are waiting for.
So not only are we TTC we are also having TTTC. Not being able to have children has always been one of my greatest fears. Ever since I was a teenager when people asked me the question: What are you most afraid of? I would reply, not being able to have children.
So knowing the way the world works I was very sensitive to the fact that we might have TTTC. Not for any concrete reason. Just because it was my biggest fear, ergo...
So when after six months we had no baby joy news to share, I decided not to wait to find out. I knew no doctor would take me seriously at this stage if I told him/her of my worries. So I turned to fertell.
Fertell is a DIY fertility test you can take in the comfort of your own home. I knew it wasn't 100% accurate but it could give a good indication. All I wanted to know was that we passed the test to give me the peace of mind I needed to keep on TTC with hope and positivity.
It's not exactly a cheap test but I suppose we were soon to discover that with IF nothing comes cheap. And at only 70 pounds (US$120) it was just easing us in gently. With fertell there is both a female and a male test. And for once it is the female test which is the easier and less complicated. Which, I'm sure you'll agree, makes a welcome change. I just had to pee on a stick on CD3 to test for ovarian reserve. Of course this is only one aspect of female fertility, there are a whole host of tests that need to be done to find out just what is going on, but it is an indicator nevertheless. And I was happy to see that I passed.
Then it was Mr.T's turn. His part was definitely far more hands on. Ahem. He had to leave his deposit in the base of this cup and then snap the lid on and turn a small switch. After 30 minutes a red line was supposed to appear, to indicate that enough sperm had swum up and been tagged with the red dye which then left their mark on a strip in the window. Mr. T's little pot had no red line in the window.
I still remember that sinking feeling in my stomach. We called the fertell helpline and they simply said everything was probably fine, Mr.T could have been tired, or not excited enough (yeah a plastic cup will do that for you) and that we should just keep on TTC naturally. But I was not prepared to accept that. We decided to do the test one more time. Another 70 pounds. And yet again there was no red line.
So we graduated to a proper semen analysis. But we had to wait a month to get the results. During that time Mr.T and I argued a lot. I was nagging him about his lifestyle, his eating habits, his daily red bull intake, I was angry that he had not been taking care of himself and we were both now paying the price. He of course resisted my criticisms. To the point where we had a major full blown argument and he said to me "I'm so nervous about getting my test results. I'm scared that if they're bad, if I can't get you pregnant, then you'll leave me." I stopped in my tracks. Was that the message I was sending? Was that how I felt? I burst into tears. I'm a horrible person. I'm so sorry. I never meant to make you feel that way. Of course I won't leave you, I love you so much. Whatever happens we'll get through it. I'm here through good and bad. I am so so sorry. We locked in an embrace and stayed there for a long time. This was an important turning point for us.
Whatever happened after that (you can read the sperm story here), it was this moment that defined how we would go on together through our TTTC. It brought us closer and made us stronger as a couple. And I know that however and whenever our baby does arrive, it will make us better parents for it too. But sometimes I look back and think it took a year since that first fertell test to find out that Mr. T had a varicocele. A whole year. Think how much progress might have been made if it had been diagnosed earlier!
So do I see it as wasted time? Not entirely. Having TTTC has taught me many things. It taught me that my wedding vows were not just words but solemn promises of which I meant every word. And no matter what I would stand by him. We are in this together, which is why it is OUR infertility and not his. Secondly the knowledge, sensitivity and compassion I have gained from our own IF experience for others on the same lonely IF road, is immense. Before any of this happened I can honestly say I was clueless to IF, clueless to how those going through IF must feel. Yes, having TTTC has taught me many things. Including a long list of acronyms and abbreviations!
