That's the problem with baby making. It takes two. Well I know it's possible to get donors etc., and you can be single and still do the baby making thing, which in some ways could be simpler to just deal with your own issues rather than those of a sometimes uncooperative partner... but for this post, I'm just talking about the regular boy meets girl, boy and girl fall in love, boy and girl get hitched, boy and girl hit IF, boy and girl struggle through doctors appointments, clinics and tests just to start a family of their own. And this is where it gets complicated. When two is involved it means two bodies, two health histories, two lifestyles, two approaches, two viewpoints. And. You know what I'm going to say next. Sometimes. Often. A lot. Those viewpoints, those approaches, those lifestyles, clash. Then two certainly becomes a problem when you're trying to create another one.
Mr. T and I are in an important phase. Especially Mr.T. See the countdown on the right? Well I've been looking at it everyday and during this time we have to really up our game. We have to make sure we do everything to help our bodies be as fertile as we possibly can. Eat well. Exercise. Relax. Early to bed. Good sleep. And not just at any time but at a good hour so our bodies' natural rhythms are heeded to and respected. Well that's my approach anyway. And. I thought it was Mr. T's too. He assures me it still is but last night was a very different story.
He promised he'd come to bed at a reasonable time. Not exactly early but at least midnight after he finished some emailing. There were good night kisses and then I curled up, almost instantly falling asleep in the expectation that he would be beside me soon. But the hours flew by and I slept unknowingly through. Until. I reached over in my sleep and found an empty spot. My mind must be on auto-baby-making-pilot mode and immediately woke me up. I was furious. I knew it was late, how late I wasn't sure. But I knew exactly where he was. I made my way to the living room and there he sat typing away on his computer and listening to music. I was standing in front of him without a stitch of clothing on (it is really hot here right now), my eyes half closed, my hair a la sideshow Bob. What the hell is the time? I moaned at him. Oh shit, it's four. He replied. I spun on my heels. I am so furious I can't even speak to you, I yelled down the hall. I locked the door to our bedroom. Well, he wasn't going to disturb my sleep anymore than he already had. And I desperately tried to get back to sleep. Unsuccessfully I might add.
I was furious. And sleep deprived. What was he thinking? Why can't he be responsible for his own health? Why can't he think about how this depresses me? I'm so tired of saying don't drink this, don't eat that, go and do some exercise, blah, blah....
It certainly does not.
Okay in the past Mr.T has been really good. He's proved himself. But lately I feel like he's losing his stamina, like he's chucking the race in early. And I am tired of yelling from the stands, tired of pushing him on. It's times like this that make me feel like giving up too. Giving up this whole TTC journey which has rapidly become a marathon, with no end in sight.
I know this is just a blip. I know we'll get back into some kind of tenuous harmony. But I swing from thinking that it would be so much simpler to do TTC on your own, than to have another whose actions and feelings you're not responsible for. To thinking I could never do this emotionally and physically without Mr.T with me every step of the way. But I guess that's just part of being in a relationship too. It's part of the sacrifice and compromise that comes with being with another human being, with planning your life with them, with making space for each other.
But. When it comes to having a baby there's so much more at stake. The risks of getting hurt are high. The emotional dangers ahead are plentiful and there are no guarantees. But when it comes down to it, there's no one I'd rather run this gauntlet with than Mr.T. So I guess I just have to accept that it takes two and stop complaining. And that while two will sometimes bring conflict, two mostly brings support, love and reassurance. Even though some days you wish you could just get pg all by yourself!
