In The Dumps

That's where I dwell now. I am down, down, down in the dumps. I POASed. It was, as always, one bright fat red line and then another window of nothingness. Like my womb, a window of nothingness. The twinges and cramps I'm feeling in my belly are no longer implantation or pregnancy cramps. They are the beginning stages of AF about to arrive.

Before I looked at the test, I prayed. I got down on my knees and I prayed. Please, please I want to be a mother. I promise I will be the best mother I can be. I won't complain. I will never take my children for granted or be complacent. I will cherish every moment with them. I swear it.

There's nothing quite as crushing as getting a BFN. Especially when you've spent the last 2 weeks trying to remain calm but secretly convincing yourself that this time it worked. And so time marches on. People around you announce pregnancies and births. Their children grow up. And you feel paralyzed. As though you are not moving.

Sorry to be so depressing today. But as I said I'm down in the dumps. Way down.