But to get pg I do need to calm down, to relax, to be at ease. I recently found out how far away I am from that. At the end of my yoga session yesterday we sat down for the chill out bit. I was ready to zone out in the sun and let my mind wander as it does. But my yoga teacher had other ideas. We were going to meditate for 15 minutes, sitting in an upright position. Concentrating on clearing our minds and going within. I panicked. I hate doing this, it's just too painful to be with my thoughts, let alone the physical pain of sitting without moving.
But I sucked it up and assumed the lotus position (actually half lotus as I'm not that flexible yet). I listened intently to the words of my teacher. Close your eyes. Go within. There's a world in there... for some reason those words resonated with me. Perhaps it has to do with the fact that 'in there' represents a painfully empty place, void of the life I so desperately want to be growing 'in there'? I felt a surge of anger, frustration and sadness that overwhelmed me and the tears began to flow. I was shocked by the power of it. It was obvious that I had some much needed healing to do as the world in there was not exactly a happy place of rainbows, butterflies and green meadows. So I focused on the anger. Half way through my back began to ache, a few moments later it was screaming at me. But instead of shifting my position or lying back I decided to face it head on. I decided to embrace the pain both external and internal.
Strangely enough, over the next minute, this seemed to take the edge off the pain in my back, I could feel it begin to dissipate. Inside there was a strange calmness, an acceptance. There is obviously a deep well of pain and frustration 'in there' that I never even knew existed, but this meditation experience helped to still the waters somewhat. It reminded me that suffering and pain are part of life and no amount of anger or tears is going to change that. Accept. Move on. Everything is constantly changing, my yoga teacher said afterwards, it is the law of impermanence.
The law of impermanence.
It is with this attitude that I resolve to make babies again. It's getting to that time. Time to baby dance. Time to believe it CAN happen for me. Time to believe that everything changes.
