Where I've Been

This post is inspired by Murgdan over at Conceive This. I saw her 2009 year in review post and I thought to myself in order to appreciate how far you've come you've got to look back to where you've been. So here is my 2009 life roundup (aka the TTC saga):

January: Spent the new year skiing, which I was able to do once AF had shown up and so I knew I wasn't pg. A BFN with a silver (snow?) lining, for once. Started homeschooling a young student for a couple of hours a day, as that's all I felt I could handle. Mr. T turned 30 and I started freaking out about having children before I turned 30. Lots of crying.

February: Hit the big time IF depression. Crying nearly everyday. It has been a year since we started TTC. Mr. T has been trying to turn his MFI around with supplements, exercising, acupuncture and regular sleeping patterns for three months. My depression got so bad, Mr. T called my mum and suggested we go back to the UK and stay there awhile, do more tests and get more advice.

March: While at home, I do a hair mineral analysis test and find out I am one toxic lady, suffering with toxic levels of lead and high levels of copper. Eeek! Proceed to do major detox which makes me very ill for two weeks. One of the worst experiences of my life. Really really down in the dumps now. See top reproductive specialist in London, who tells us we will very unlikely get pg without ICSI. He is quite unhelpful and ICSI seems to be the only word he is able to say. I get even more disheartened. Then I have a dream about a blog where I can talk freely about all this crap I am going through. In my dream the blog is called 'The Pitter-Patter'. I wake up in the morning and I create this blog.  

Just days after I get great material for a new post: I have a hysterosalpingosonogram (an experience I hope I never have to repeat) and run into Kate Moss. In the end my reproductive lady bits are given the all clear.

April: Still in UK, I am continuing to detox but with less side effects now. Though we have to take a two month break from TTCing while I detox. Mr. T does his 2nd SA and we have better news. Not great. But better. He goes from 11 million little swimmers to 16 million and motility much improved. The lifestyle changes seem to be having an effect. I am getting into blogging now and discovering so many amazing IF bloggers. I realize I am not alone and I begin to feel better. I have finally found people who understand me, who totally get it and won't judge me for bursting into a mass of hysteria when I get AF cramps.

May: Very much in limbo as not meant to TTC. Get back into work full-time, do yoga commitedly and start acupuncture. However by next ovulation the TTC started again, as I have no patience or self-control in these matters.

June: This was the month that AF came late and so I POASed with a glorious BFN at the end. A few days later I was fishing around in the trash to double check the stick, which all led to some confusion and false hope. So we decided to take a step up the ladder and look into IUI. Finding the right OBGYN in Morocco was an experience in itself but finally found the lovely Dr. B. If it wasn't for him, Mr.T's varicoceles might never have been diagnosed. Indeed this was the month we found out that there was more to Mr.T's MFI than bad lifestyle habits. Then came the joyous day of the IUI. OMG. I don't think I will ever be able to forget that hellish day for the rest of my life. The whole experience was disastrous and led to an extremely long post detailing the indignity and ridiculousness of it all.

July: Went to Paris for the first time in my life. Was very excited about eating, shopping and sightseeing for the ultimate TWW distraction until Mr. T told me the couple we were traveling with were expecting. Ugh. However I did have a great time and also gained some, ahem, weight. Damn those Parisian patisseries! Sadly the TWW ended in 2 BFNs and AF arriving on my birthday. Not a good time. Many many tears. Now super motivated to get these sperm in to shape since they couldn't do their job even with a substantial head start, I got on the phone to a specialist in UK to enquire about varicocele embolization for Mr. T. A few days later we were in the hospital and after a few hours mission embolization had been accomplished! We now just had to cross our fingers and wait. 

August: Work had really intensified and I was running around madly but glad for the distraction. Then unexpectedly a new furbaby came into my life right on the day AF showed up. Tigerlily has been such a joy I now can't imagine life without her, she is very much my substitute human baby. Mr. T and I start Ramadan, which is really hard in the hot month of August. But we get through another month of waiting to see if the embolization had any effect. 

September: Mr. T discovers nocturnal scrotal cooling and renders our picnic ice-packs no longer usable for their intended purpose. I realize that if I don't get pg this month I will not have a baby before I turn 30. I go into meltdown as this really really upsets me after all my careful life planning. (Since IF, I have since realized there is no point in making any life plans.) I get a real bad case of the no baby yet blues. And then AF arrives on time and I realize I will be in my thirties before I get to be a mother. It sucks. In fact, it still f@**ing sucks. 

October: We go for IUI round 2. This time it goes much better than the first with improved swimmers on Mr. T's side. We do two IUIs back to back and so we are very very hopeful. Time passes and I have a lot of work to do. AF starts to get late. However I have a lot of cramps and so I swing from being hopeful to throwing in the towel. Eventually 15 DPO I buy pregnancy tests only to have AF turn up two hours later. Go figure. It was over.

November: I am now working from 8am til gone midnight, seven days a week. I have no time to blog, to see friends or TTC. Everything takes a back seat. I work and work and work to make the event I coordinate a success. When it's all over I am completely exhausted and get the flu. I spend a week in bed.

December: I venture back into the blogosphere. I want to find out what I have missed and get back into contact with everyone. I am keen to start TTCing again. Desperate. In fact. The month off in November and failed IUI the month before hit me hard and the desire to get things moving again really takes hold. Just before Xmas, Mr.T gets his first SA done since the embolization (5 months to be exact). The news is good. Very good. We go to my parents for Xmas. I eat and sleep and refuse to touch a computer. I needed the rest and break from the world. On the last night of 2009 we dance the night away. 2009 sucked, I can't wait for it be over. 

When I look back over my 2009 year in review, there is so much sadness and hope amounting to nothing. There were good things too, like starting this blog, finding new friends and having Tigerlily come into my life, but overall I would say 2009 was characterized by heartache. But I got through it and now we have some positive news to see in the New Year. 

2010 you have to do better.

 You really wouldn't have to try too hard either. Is one BFP asking too much?

An inspiring HypnoBirth at home

This is a HypnoBirthing birth story from the Heather Hilton, a HypnoBirthing practitioner & homebirth midwife in Austin, TX.

Hi Friends,
I stood witness at the most amazing birth this morning (12/11/09). Mom took HypnoBirthing from me (and Liz) and I was her midwife. She was totally committed to a natural, peaceful, home birth. Her due date came and went...and went....and went. According to her last period she was 43 weeks on Tuesday (although when it was all said and done, baby looked more like 41 weeks).

Labor started slowly on Wednesday morning. By Wed. evening she was in active labor. She labored all Wednesday night, all day Thursday, making tiny signs of progress along the way. Labor continued into Thursday night, and mom was totally relaxed and calm. She had to be upright during her surges, and spent most of them either standing or sitting on the edge of her bed. She would drop her head and just breathe and you could see her entire body melting down into the sensation of her surges (contractions).

A visualization that came when I was talking her through one of her surges was a golden light flowing flowing into the top of mom's head, through her body, down through her baby, out the top of his head and out through her birth path. We focused on her allowing her breath to follow the path of that golden flow of energy and it seemed to really work for her. In fact, I was shocked when I checked her and found her to be almost 9 cm because by the looks of it I thought we were not progressing at all. When I asked mom about it later she said that she was also shocked because she said she felt the most relaxed and like it had not gotten more intense at all leading to that point.

Her membranes released naturally in the early morning and shortly after that she climbed into the birth tub. Again, I thought things had stopped. She was draped over the tub and her back was to me and she was totally silent. Then after about an hour, she turned around and said "this is really intense now." After that, she was pretty much silent the whole time. She was so totally inside herself.

She allowed her body to push all by itself and kept me updated about how low her baby was. Dad sat in the tub behind her, applying pressure to her back and patiently waiting. At one point, she asked if the burning feeling was ok, and I explained that it was just the stretch of healthy tissue and to allow it to stretch and open. She did.

Baby was born into daddy's hands in the water. It was so incredible. As soon as the baby heard his parents voices, his eyes popped open!! He was totally calm and alert, just looking around and taking it all in. NINE pounds three ounces!! 22 inches. No tearing! First baby. So so so so amazing. I had to share!

Blessings, Heather Hilton
www.hypnobirthingtexas.com

Congratulations to this family! Thanks, Heather, for sharing this inspiring story!

www.AWellLivedLife.Net
www.AWellLivedLife.blogspot.com

New Year Resolutions: The 2010 Series

I usually don't make new year resolutions, since I usually have no intention of keeping them. But this year I figured that if I posted them on my blog I may be more motivated to at least try. I decided to stick to seven resolutions as this is more realistic than a long list that will be forgotten by next week. So here goes:

1. To keep up with my prayers. I have found it hard to pray since all our IF trauma began but I now resolve to put that aside and start doing my prayers. I know I will find this calming and helpful for my state of mind once I get going, I just have to get myself into it again.

2. To go to yoga three times a week and dance twice a week. I will do some form of sporting activity everyday even if it's just going for a walk. This does not include sex, that's an optional extra ;)

3. To only have chocolate once a week. Over the holidays I have gorged on the brown stuff aplenty, my addiction is in full throw now and I have had chocolate everyday for a month now. Yes my jeans are feeling a little tight. So I need to go cold turkey. As of tomorrow no more delicious dark stuff for 2 weeks. Then I can reintroduce it just once a week on a special choc choc day.

4. To have date night with Mr. T every week. This means no TV or other distractions, just us and a romantic dinner. Though Mr. T will have to agree to this and I will have to get him to ignore his email for an entire evening - not an easy task, though I have my methods....

This usually works.

5. To cook more. I would like to eat in more and try some new recipes to expand my culinary  repertoire. If you have any healthy, preferably veggie or fish, recipes please send them to me. Although any really delicious must-have recipes will be gratefully received even if they are a bit naughty and not so healthy!

6. Knitting. I have started. My mum got me started with a few gifts over Christmas and spent boxing day teaching me to knit. I love it. I am totally addicted and can't stop. It is really relaxing and gives me a great sense of well-being, even if I am not very good yet. I have started on a simple throw with some fluffy cream wool and I hope to be making all sorts of things by the end of 2010. Please let it be baby blankets! So my resolution is to keep knitting, to get good and start making useful things soon, otherwise our apartment will be full of the useless rectangles of knitwear I am currently experimenting with. I think a special post on my knitwear creations may be upcoming... ugh that sounds dull, I promise to try to make it interesting.

7. And finally to laugh more and have more fun! Mr. T and I agreed on this a few days ago, we decided that this is what we really want out of life so we need to make sure we have more of this in our lives.

I have not included any TTC or baby-related resolutions. I do not want to set any rules or standards by which I think I should feel or behave. My IF emotions change all the time and I have to be free to find coping mechanisms to deal with these. Though I want to set certain limits for the ways I cope with IF within these resolutions, which means no gorging on chocolate when I get a BFN or am down with the baby-blues and no refusing to talk to God when I am angry about my IF predicament. I've done nearly two years of this now and I think it's time to set some boundaries for my own well-being. 

However, all of this will have to begin tomorrow, since I have spent all of today in bed sleeping, eating (yes, chocolate included), and watching nature documentaries on TV. Well I did dance my socks off last night and we did get home after 3am so I think starting my new year resolutions on January 2nd is perfectly acceptable. Ooh, it's nearly midnight. Better have that last bit of chocolate.