I AM PREGNANT

Yes it would seem so. That's what my Dr. tells me anyway. Still having a hard time believing I AM PREGNANT. This morning when I went to the toilet there was some brownish/redish CM which freaked me out. We rushed to the clinic early in the morning and had my blood drawn. The lab guy saw my positive urine tests and was like "you are pregnant." But I really wanted it confirmed by a blood test. Then I rushed to the office and carried on as if everything was normal. I took it a bit easier today but still had loads to do which distracted me from the waiting.

The call came this afternoon. Mr. T took it. Then called me at work. Hey pregnant lady, he said. Really? Really? Yes babe you're pregnant. What are my numbers? Umm, I don't really understand all that stuff, I'll pick up the results and bring them to you. I put the phone down. I AM PREGNANT. It actually happened. It's true now. There's no denying it. I AM PREGNANT. I can't believe it. Two years, one varicocele embolization & three IUIs later. I AM PREGNANT. 

I ripped open the results letter from the lab. My beta is 167.3 - I AM PREGNANT. Holy cow! It's a high result too! I AM PREGNANT. I need to keep saying this to myself. When I will actually start believing this I don't know. But until it sinks in, I will just keep repeating it. I AM PREGNANT. 4 weeks pregnant.

What woman has boobs like this? They're virtually pointing upwards.

We went to see Dr.B. He was very happy and smiling. He said he wanted to scan me just to check my endometrium and ovaries. I was a bit nervous as I read that there has been no actual research done to show that ultrasound scanning has no affect on the embryo and there are some worrying questions surrounding this. But Dr. B assured me all was safe and that since it has been so difficult for us to get pregnant he wanted to make sure that this pregnancy is very secure. So I went in for the scan. Immediately we saw that I had a corpus luteum cyst. Dr. B said it was nothing to worry about, but sometimes it can mean that I might not produce enough progesterone to maintain the pregnancy so he has prescribed progesterone pessaries for the next 15 days. He said this would also help me relax at night and hopefully get some sleep! Then we saw the gestational sac. OMG. I AM PREGNANT. It was just a little black dot on the screen. Mr. T was like "How does he distinguish this little back dot from all the other little black dots on the screen?" But it was there. A gestational sac. The beginnings of our baby. Our baby. That sounds so strange to say. For a long time I had believed it was never going to happen. And now. Now. I AM PREGNANT.

Before I try and get some very much needed sleep (I had about 4 hours last night) I just wanted to say thank you for all your lovely comments and your words of comfort and reassurance. I know I went into panic mode last night - but I will get it all into perspective (once I start believing that I am actually pregnant) and figure out the work thing too. Someway, somehow, it will all work out. It has to. Because. I AM PREGNANT.

Terrified

Okay so I got my BFP. But I am finding it hard to celebrate. I was at first completely head over heels excited. But now. Now I am terrified that something I do is going to make me lose it. It is so early and everything seems so delicate and so unsure. I am terrified that as I write this now it is already all over before it has really begun. I did test again this morning and it was positive. You see it looks good right:

But then things got complicated. I had to go to work today. I just accepted a new job - yes on the day I found out I am probably pregnant. I have so many conflicting emotions about it. Anyway I obviously couldn't tell my boss and she just heaped so much stuff on to me, I started to feel overwhelmed and that maybe I had made the wrong decision. The baby comes first. But this is a good opportunity. So I felt very stressed today - which is not what I am meant to be doing. I should be relaxing and chilling. And now I am worried that the stress from today will have affected our little apple seed if it is still there. 

I know I probably sound a bit mental. But it has been a very intense day. Found out I'm most likely pregnant. Start new job. Run around all day. Get home late. Can't sleep. Not exactly the way I imagined it all. I go into get my blood test done tomorrow morning - which I have to squeeze in between important meetings (God knows how I am going to do it). And I am terrified. Terrified that it will already be over.

Oh My God

Oh My God Oh My God Oh My God Oh My God Oh My God Oh My God Oh My God Oh My God Oh My God Oh My God Oh My God Oh My God Oh My God Oh My God Oh My God Oh My God Oh My God Oh My God Oh My God Oh My God Oh My God Oh My God Oh My God

Oh. My. God.

There is an unmistakable second line. Two pink lines. Yes it is much fainter than the control, just a very pale pink line. But. It. Is. There.

There is no denying it. Even though we can't quite believe it ourselves. And Mr. T is checking it and checking it and checking it. And questioning and questioning. He doesn't quite believe it. I am excited and smiling. He is telling me to calm down, to not get excited as I will be so upset when this all turns out to be nothing. I tell him to shut up. I tell him I am not celebrating being pregnant. Just a second pink line. I've never had one before. Never seen one before. This is a very very big deal. So while I just can't stop smiling, he is actually online now researching the manufacturer of the pregnancy test to find out how reliable they are. No joke.

IMPORTANT NOTICE: Any family & IRL friends reading this blog, we would appreciate it if you did not tell anyone else about this (including close family members and other friends) until we know for sure what is going on. We don't want people calling us up and saying anything before the time is right and we know what is happening.

I am 12dpiui. I wasn't going to test till Sunday. But. We came home late tonight after a dinner out and I just had a feeling that I wanted to. Mr. T saw me go for the paper cup and immediately said "No babe, don't do this to yourself, don't ruin our weekend together." I said I won't I'm just getting it ready for Sunday. Such a bare-faced lie. I went straight in the bathroom and POASed. I waited a few moments and saw something form and then walked out the bathroom cos I couldn't watch it fade into nothing. Mr. T said again, "I really don't want you to take the test until after our weekend together." Okay, I said, lying again. I went back into the bathroom looked at the test, and gasped. I walked out. " So you don't want me to take the test?" I asked innocently. "No" he replied firmly. "So you don't want to know that I think the test I just took is positive?"

The next 5 minutes was spent inspecting the test to make sure we were not imagining it. Mr. T kept closing his eyes and opening them again to make sure the line was really there and that it was obviously visible. No denying it. He asked me question after question. Did I take the test right? How many days has it been? What is HCG and do I produce it normally? I feel like I have just been interrogated by the gestapo. I just told him to back off and leave me be and that I will re-test tomorrow. And then we'll go out and buy more tests and do those too. And on Monday we will do a blood test to know definitively. Until then I will just keep staring at my 2nd pink line. I know it's a bit blurry, but I think if you look really hard you might see it too?