Anybody's guess?

I am now well into my 10th week and it feels like this pregnancy is anybody's guess. I do still have symptoms and some days they are strong and I am retching over the sink and other days not so much. I swing from believing I have already miscarried to being sure everything is fine and the baby's heart is beating away and I can start thinking about pregnancy pillows, vitamin E cream and birth plans.

And somedays I just don't know. The end of this first trimester feels like one big roller coaster.

I went to see the lovely TCM lady a few days ago and told her all my fears. She really explained to me how important it is for my baby that I try to stay on an even keel. I explained why I didn't want to do the scan yet and asked if there were any things she could do that would give an indication of how things were going. She checked my pulses and said that I had a very strong pregnancy pulse - the way the pulse feels changes during pregnancy and becomes more slippery apparently. She asked me if I had any inkling as to whether it was a boy or a girl, which I don't, I just want to know if it's alive. But my mum and Mr.T both think it's a boy. TCM lady agreed, she told me the pregnancy pulse is very strong on the left side which usually means it's a boy. Wow. Very cool. But ultimately I only care that it is alive and healthy - the boy/girl thing does not matter to me one bit. I just want an alive, healthy baby. She told me that she felt everything was fine but that nobody can tell me that for definite, only a scan will. So while I feel relatively reassured I still don't feel I can fully relax and enjoy the pregnancy yet. I just hope I am on track and all is good. Only 2 weeks to go before the moment of truth!

With A Vengeance

Okay just a few hours after my last post and my symptoms came back. With a vengeance. So much nausea that I have had full on vomiting fests. Hurray. And boobs are sore, sore, sore. So I do feel relieved. But also really yucky at the same time.

That's me. And the spots aren't too off the mark either.

Hopefully all this suffering means everything is going well! I just have to have faith and be positive. I won't go for a scan until 12 weeks. This is just what I want to do. It's just a feeling I have had for a while, which is backed up by some research from well-known midwives and out-of-the-box thinking obstetricians. If anything does go wrong then I will know it was not the scan. I'm over 9 weeks now so I don't have long to wait and then all will be revealed.

Until then hope, faith, positivity.

Panicked

I have started 2011 off with being in a panic and a really bad cold. My nose is blocked (and at the same time constantly running), neck glands starting to get swollen and chest beginning to hurt. My nose is so raw from the constant blowing I can barely touch it, ouch. I have filled up carrier bags with my used tissues, gross. And since this came on yesterday, the nausea and sore boobs have disappeared (but not the food aversions). I panicked. Am panicking. Still. A bit.

Mr. T phoned Dr. S to discuss this all and basically I have this dastardly cold because I have compromised my immune system by eating all the things I am allergic too. Such as bread and potatoes. When Mr. T told me what Dr. S said I burst into tears out of frustration as those have been the only things I could eat without vomiting. The only things that took away my nausea. But Dr. S said it was vital that I stick to the diet and also eat some meat. Gag.

My mum then came into my room and gave me a stiff talking to. Which I needed at the time. Power through. Mind over matter. And don't beat yourself up about what's done. I got out of bed, had a shower (which I desperately needed) and went for a short walk - determined to change the last week's pattern. So wheat and potatoes are back off the menu and due to my blocked nose my sense of smell is virtually nil, which enabled me to take a few spoonfuls of minced lamb yesterday. I think I might try and take further advantage of my lack of smell as it means I can eat a range of foods without gagging. So that's my silver lining at the moment I guess.

However as I am at the same stage the baby stopped growing last time, I am nervous. Nervous that something might be wrong. Often there are no signs for a missed miscarriage, however one of the signs can be a tapering off of pregnancy symptoms, and so when the nausea and sore boobs abated (which is still the case) I panicked. I am panicking. Still. A bit. Eeek. I am so worried that the sudden weakness of my pregnancy symptoms might mean another missed M/C. So so scared. But trying to be positive. Not to imagine the worst. I keep telling myself that there's nothing I can do if there is a problem, nothing anyone can do. So I just have to ride it out.

Not the best start to 2011. But usually when I have a crappy new year's eve, I have a good year. And when I have a good new year's eve I have a crappy year. So here's hoping.