Wise Words

There's so much I need to write about. So many emotions. So many questions. So much to say to all of you. But I received such an amazing email from a dear friend today. The wisdom and care in her words brought tears to my eyes and I knew that I just had to share it with you all. So for now I will just leave you with her words and wait to share mine later.

I just wanted to write to you properly to say congratulations again. I was so sure that this was going to happen for you and T and I'm really excited... You know, our babies are going to have more or less the same age difference as us. I'm now going to offer the only I advice I will ever give because, let me assure you, you are soon going to get really really really fed up of hearing unsolicited advice from other people. So, my number one all time piece of advice (which a friend also gave me at the beginning of my pregnancy) is to stop listening to anyone's advice except people who you really trust and who you know are on the same wave length as you (and maybe not even them). This is the most emotionally vulnerable time you'll ever go through and it's really easy for people to guilt trip or headf**k you into thinking you are doing something wrong, and believe me, EVERYONE has opinions on motherhood. I don't even want to tell you about what people here have to say about home birth, which is what we're planning... let alone the idea of using cloth nappies... and a million other things that we are doing differently to them and which obviously freaks then out. (People really don't seem to like if if you do anything too natural that flies in the face of western medicine). Even things like "You shouldn't eat spicy food" (uh-huh, so that's how India became overpopulated) or "What do you mean you don't drink half a liter of milk a day" (Ditto China). This hilarious book I have says that the best tactic now and after the baby is born too is just to make a placid face like a cow and nod and say "You might be right" and then change the subject and do whatever the hell you want to do. Don't let other people's doubts become yours. And remember that if the little creature is OK there's not much that can shake him or her out of there. Half the women in the world still give birth in the fields practically.

So shut your ears and focus on you and T and little proto-creature. Other than that, I'd say definitely get What to Expect When You're Expecting, there's a quite recent British edition, and it's funny and very informative and presents all sides of all arguments and has lots of useful pragmatic advice. I know you already have Ina May's book, which is amazing. And just enjoy it all... It's such a beautiful time. So that's the end of my advice. But if there's anything else you ever want to ask me about, you know I'm here.

Everything with us is great. I am beginning to feel a bit like a walrus, soon to graduate to a whale. Like both these animals, I am at least graceful in the water - I've taken up swimming classes as I've been forbidden from running (same reason as you and power yoga) and it's fabulous. Take good care of yourself and just breathe deep and think of all the wonderful things ahead.

PS I didn't have much nausea but when I did fresh ginger grated into hot water totally saved me. When I was out, rooiboos chai tea bags were almost as good.

I AM PREGNANT

Yes it would seem so. That's what my Dr. tells me anyway. Still having a hard time believing I AM PREGNANT. This morning when I went to the toilet there was some brownish/redish CM which freaked me out. We rushed to the clinic early in the morning and had my blood drawn. The lab guy saw my positive urine tests and was like "you are pregnant." But I really wanted it confirmed by a blood test. Then I rushed to the office and carried on as if everything was normal. I took it a bit easier today but still had loads to do which distracted me from the waiting.

The call came this afternoon. Mr. T took it. Then called me at work. Hey pregnant lady, he said. Really? Really? Yes babe you're pregnant. What are my numbers? Umm, I don't really understand all that stuff, I'll pick up the results and bring them to you. I put the phone down. I AM PREGNANT. It actually happened. It's true now. There's no denying it. I AM PREGNANT. I can't believe it. Two years, one varicocele embolization & three IUIs later. I AM PREGNANT. 

I ripped open the results letter from the lab. My beta is 167.3 - I AM PREGNANT. Holy cow! It's a high result too! I AM PREGNANT. I need to keep saying this to myself. When I will actually start believing this I don't know. But until it sinks in, I will just keep repeating it. I AM PREGNANT. 4 weeks pregnant.

What woman has boobs like this? They're virtually pointing upwards.

We went to see Dr.B. He was very happy and smiling. He said he wanted to scan me just to check my endometrium and ovaries. I was a bit nervous as I read that there has been no actual research done to show that ultrasound scanning has no affect on the embryo and there are some worrying questions surrounding this. But Dr. B assured me all was safe and that since it has been so difficult for us to get pregnant he wanted to make sure that this pregnancy is very secure. So I went in for the scan. Immediately we saw that I had a corpus luteum cyst. Dr. B said it was nothing to worry about, but sometimes it can mean that I might not produce enough progesterone to maintain the pregnancy so he has prescribed progesterone pessaries for the next 15 days. He said this would also help me relax at night and hopefully get some sleep! Then we saw the gestational sac. OMG. I AM PREGNANT. It was just a little black dot on the screen. Mr. T was like "How does he distinguish this little back dot from all the other little black dots on the screen?" But it was there. A gestational sac. The beginnings of our baby. Our baby. That sounds so strange to say. For a long time I had believed it was never going to happen. And now. Now. I AM PREGNANT.

Before I try and get some very much needed sleep (I had about 4 hours last night) I just wanted to say thank you for all your lovely comments and your words of comfort and reassurance. I know I went into panic mode last night - but I will get it all into perspective (once I start believing that I am actually pregnant) and figure out the work thing too. Someway, somehow, it will all work out. It has to. Because. I AM PREGNANT.

Terrified

Okay so I got my BFP. But I am finding it hard to celebrate. I was at first completely head over heels excited. But now. Now I am terrified that something I do is going to make me lose it. It is so early and everything seems so delicate and so unsure. I am terrified that as I write this now it is already all over before it has really begun. I did test again this morning and it was positive. You see it looks good right:

But then things got complicated. I had to go to work today. I just accepted a new job - yes on the day I found out I am probably pregnant. I have so many conflicting emotions about it. Anyway I obviously couldn't tell my boss and she just heaped so much stuff on to me, I started to feel overwhelmed and that maybe I had made the wrong decision. The baby comes first. But this is a good opportunity. So I felt very stressed today - which is not what I am meant to be doing. I should be relaxing and chilling. And now I am worried that the stress from today will have affected our little apple seed if it is still there. 

I know I probably sound a bit mental. But it has been a very intense day. Found out I'm most likely pregnant. Start new job. Run around all day. Get home late. Can't sleep. Not exactly the way I imagined it all. I go into get my blood test done tomorrow morning - which I have to squeeze in between important meetings (God knows how I am going to do it). And I am terrified. Terrified that it will already be over.