Having been trying to get pregnant for over a year, I've heard my fair share of pretty insensitive crap. Some of you TTC ladies will understand what I mean, you know, those comments or questions where you just grit your teeth and smile (but secretly you just want to punch that person in the nose).
Ahhhh, satisfaction!
And I know this isn't just the preserve of TTC women, it happens to ALL women because women still largely get defined by their fertility (or lack thereof). Today I felt like I had to get it off my chest for all TTC/infertile women out there. I know many of the things said come from a good place in the heart and are not intended to offend in the least, that's why I grin and bear it, but NOT TODAY!
So here's my list of 10 Things Never to Say to TTCers/Infertiles:
1) Just stop trying, don't think about it, I'm sure if you just relax it will happen. - This is usually followed by a story of a friend who did this and then fell pregnant. This is a really annoying thing to say - it is nigh on impossible to stop thinking about it. And trying to stop thinking about it and trying to relax about the whole thing just sends me more insane!
2) Are you pregnant yet?/Any good news? - I got asked this incessantly at the beginning and I wished I hadn't told anyone we were trying. Believe me if there was any good news, the whole world would know!
3) Oh I have the opposite problem, I get pregnant just like that! - This is when my self-control gets tested and I start to feel my fist clench. Bop! Just kidding.... smile!
4) I hate being pregnant, sometimes I think why am I doing this again? - Tears actually welled up in my eyes when I heard this.
5) You'd better get a move on, the clock is ticking. - You don't think I think about this every day? Not helping with anxiety levels here - in fact I think this comment definitely deserves a bop on the nose..
6) My kids are driving me crazy, you can have one of mine if you want. - This is kinda funny and it's well meaning but when you're in this head-space the sentiment is not really appreciated.
7) Well, I guess things happen for a reason. - What? You think it's my destiny to be infertile, thanks for the optimism!
8) I hear they're having a lot of success with IVF/test tube babies nowadays. Why don't you try that? - Do you know how much it costs? What's even involved? And if we do decide to go for that there's a lot of discussions and financial decisions to be made beforehand.
9) You should visit my mother, she just placed her hands on my sister and then she got pregnant a month later (and other mystic tales...) - Please don't take advantage of my desperation.
10) Still no good news? - No. Leave me alone, I might punch you.
If any of my friends have read this and think they may be guilty of saying any of the above - I love you and don't hold it against you (and I definitely won't punch you!). I cherish our friendship! I just needed to have a 'Yes Im still not pregnant' rant. And if you're wondering what the hell you can say to me, just tell me you love me, wish me lots of luck and send me lots and lots of baby dust!
But in the interests of fairness I think us TTCers/Infertiles need to have a list too. You know that feeling when you hear that another friend, family member or co-worker is pregnant? It breaks your heart a little that it's not you, this is the truth, as much as we hate to admit it. But for all my TTC/Infertile ladies out there, here is a list of things to do or not to do when it feels like everyone around you is pregnant!
1) Be happy for your pregnant friends, celebrate the joy with them. I know that when and if I do get pregnant I will want everyone to be on top of the world with me too!
2) It's okay to cry, cry and cry - just don't do it in front of pregnant friends!
3) Don't put your life on hold. Separate your identity from your infertility. I am very guilty of not doing this. But I'm trying!
4) Keep your life as full as possible. Busy busy bees, but not in a stressful way. I took up a bellydance class and of course this life-line, my blog!
5) Don't punch anyone. Do the grin and bear it thing. Unless they're really obnoxious, then go for it!
