About 6 months ago a friend of mine announced her pregnancy on facebook. While I was of course happy for her, it hurt. In truth, I was so jealous. Jealous that she had got pregnant while I was still stuck trying. I haven't seen this friend for many years but we would occasionally contact each other through facebook and when I started this blog she left a wonderful comment about how much she admired my humour and strength and that she was sure this would carry me through to success in the end. I really appreciated this. It meant a lot to me. It made me realize how much I miss actually spending time with her. But it still did not stop me feeling jealous when she announced her pregnancy news.
Last week on facebook she announced it was her due date and that she was waiting for the baby to arrive. Since then I've been waiting for the news of the arrival of her baby. Today I checked her facebook profile to find a note informing everyone that she lost her baby girl. I can't believe this has happened. I am so shocked and utterly devastated for her. I can't imagine what pain she must be in right now. She and her partner are both young and healthy, it was the last thing anyone must have expected. It is simply too awful for words. I shed tears for her today. Although I have not seen my friend in years and I do not know her partner, I feel so very sad for both of them. And. I feel guilty.
I feel guilty for feeling jealous of her pregnancy. For thinking it all came easy for her. For never even saying congratulations when she announced her pregnancy. I am ashamed of this. I should have been better than that. Instead I said nothing.
Today has taught me that we can assume much from the outside and be so utterly wrong. Every woman has her journey and each journey comes with its own joys and heartaches. I have no right to judge from the outside and deem anyone else's journey "easy". This is not the first time I have done this. But it will be the last.
Tonight I will pray that she and her partner receive some comfort in this difficult time and that somehow they come through it in time. There are no words to express the sorrow of losing a child. Instead I light a candle.
A candle in memory of her angel.
